#1
Disclaimer: Don't say anything to me about mistakes you think I've made in grammar or orthography. Everything in this piece is written intentionally. You may find my writing choices to be odd, but they are choices, never mistakes. I guarantee that I can run circles around you when it comes to grammar.

Also, I haven't decided yet whether I want this to be song lyrics or keep it as a poem. So thoughts on that are welcome.



"Ceres"

I laid down and watched the eclipse in the sky,
My mind was blank but still somewhat uneasy.
My body beat loud and with joy on the ground
But my hands still felt drained of all feeling.

What tonight is is a purgative march,
A rolling and unrestful kind.
"What tomorrow," you said, and I slowly replied,
Shall be humble, Chthonic, and blithe.

They speak of a daughter abducted from play,
Of a mother so broken and dry.
They expect that you know and they know you relate,
From the nod or the sad in your eye.

I don't mean to imply that I saw the moon last night.
If that was the point, then I did then.
But if we're being honest, like friends do sometimes,
I didn't; just stared toward the sky.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Feb 20, 2008,
#2
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
"Ceres"

I laid down and watched the eclipse in the sky,
My mind was blank but still somewhat uneasy.
My body beat loud and with joy on the ground
But my hands still felt drained of all feeling.
The second line seems dry compared to the other ones...

What tonight is is a purgative march,
A rolling and unrestful kind.
"What tomorrow," you said, and I slowly replied,
Shall be humble, Chthonic, and blithe.
no problems here...good vocabulary, blithe is a great word.

They speak of a daughter abducted from play,
Of a mother so broken and dry.
They expect that you know and they know you relate,
From the nod or the sad in your eye.
Again, very strong word choice here. I especially like the structure of the last two lines..."the sad in your eye" seems like it works here even thoguh it's gramatically shaky.

I don't mean to imply that I saw the moon last night.
If that was the point, then I did then.
But if we're being honest, like friends do sometimes,
I didn't; just stared toward the sky.
I think you accidentally put a second "then" at the end of the second line, and "do" should be "are" in the third line IMO. Other than that, it's a strong finish.


Excellent job, it reminds me a bit of stuff I write in school when I'm daydreaming (which are my best poems usually). If you could crit the one in my sig that'd be great.
#3
I meant to use "then" twice and I definitely meant to use "do."

Otherwise, thank you for your comments.
#4
I am a big fan of this type of thing, and you pull it off excellently. The use of improper grammar fits in seamlessly, and it flows nicely as a whole. Nothing is wrong with it in my opinion, though I agree that the second line could use a little something.
#7
Quote by punchupatatigge
i think it should be lyrics


maybe it's just me, but Chthonic is kinda a big word to put in lyrics, don't ya think?
Yamaha ERG 121
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NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#8
you make a good point, but it really depends on your audience. i know evan well. he caters to the type of audience that smokes clove cigarettes, sips gently on cosmopolitans, and becomes anorexic when they decide that food isn't interesting to them anymore (after all, every time he/she sees dairy, they think of their beloved high school lover who he/she is still in love making love to him/her in a dairy queen bathroom). also, his audience enjoys reading jane austen and the word chthonic is the type of thing that would be considered arousing. this group also finds williamsburgh to be the cultural mecca of the eastern seaboard.
#9
^ I lol'd.

As to the piece. It was good. But I also felt a bit put off by it. I'm not sure why... or what did it. Might have been tone, or something. I really did enjoy the message and the presentation, and the ass backwards phrasing at times.

Sorry I can't be more help.

Thanks for reading mine.

-zC