#1
Yeah, I don't know.


It seems she's
forgotten that
Chicago is a hazy city.
Subtle spine shivers
bring her back to
that reality.
Another back alley.
Another back alley.
Another breath I
stifle and bury.
Moments moving
with pace,
hearts beating
with haste
Our eyes shift
and shift and
shift...

I've been stumbled upon,

or perhaps this is
a rendezvous.
I offer my jacket,
she's quick to reject it,
so we both walk
with our chills and
matching goosebumps,
laidback, the handsome
couple we could only
wish to be.

We arrive at her gate.
I hear the wind and
her whispering.
She says that
cancer is like sex
on a bed of pins
and needles.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Mar 6, 2008,
#2
It seems she'd
forgotten that
Chicago was a hazy city.

I don't like how this starts with confused verb tense.

Subtle spine shivers
brought her back to
that reality.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Something about "Subtle spine shivers" doesn't fit well with my ear, although I like the idea it contains.

Another back alley.
Another back alley.
Another place she'd
call her home.
Moments would move
with pace,
hearts would beat
with haste
Eyes would shift
and shift and
shift...

"Another place she'd call her home" is cliché man and probably not even true, when you think about it. She probably wouldn't. I know I wouldn't. The rest of this really picked up, though.

I'd been stumbled upon,

or perhaps it was
a rendezvous.
I offered my jacket,
she quickly rejected,
so we both walked
with our chills and
matching goosebumps.

We arrived at her gate.
I heard the wind and
her whispering.
She was saying that
cancer is like sex
on a bed of pins
and needles.

This second half was a lot better especially the last bit but I couldn't connect it to the first half. I like it on its own, though, and the last sentence is amazing, but it came out of nowhere.

I just want this to be more cohesive.
#3
The first half is just alright, nothing special. The second half however, has some rather original lines and has a certain matter-of-fact punch to it. If you work on the first half, or remove it entirely, this could be a nice piece. Great job.
#4
Thanks Evan. I made some revisions based on your comments. The tense thing was actually because I had orignally planned on going in a different direction with the piece and didn't realize that I hadn't adjusted that. I think it looks a lot better now. Thanks again.

And thanks Winter Sky. Much appreciated.
#5
Hey man, this is the first time of me critting any of your stuff so here goes nothing....

As a whole i enjoyed this and i respect the syntaxs used. I didn't really enjoy the word 'rendezvous', it was a sufficient word to the piece but i don't think it was necessarily put in the right place, ifyouknowwhatamsayin?

I didn't quite understand the simile used in the last three lines of this piece, it doesn't seem to make sense possibly because it's a personal reference or something?

As a whole i thought you did a good job, but maybe next time you write a similar piece try not to add in too much personal reference because it can confuse some readers.

I hope you enjoyed the bump now bump one of mine
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 21, 2008,
#6
Quote by bassbeat77
Yeah, I don't know.


i owe you, probably 100 crits by now, so ill just crit this one since this is the only one of yours i can find


It seems she's
forgotten that
Chicago is a hazy city.
Subtle spine shivers
bring her back to
this reality.
Another back alley.
Another back alley.
Another breath I
stifle and bury.
Moments moving
with pace,
hearts beating
with haste
Our eyes shift
and shift and
shift...

i think the rhyme pace/haste is a little forced and unoriginal. also, line 4. what is THIS reality? could it just be bring her back to reality? or am i missing something

I've been stumbled upon,

or perhaps this is
a rendezvous.
I offer my jacket,
she's quick to reject it,
so we both walk
with our chills and
matching goosebumps.

this is average by your standards. i enjoyed the first 5 lines but the last three seemed lacking of emotion/description.

We arrive at her gate.
I hear the wind and
her whispering.
She says that
cancer is like sex
on a bed of pins
and needles.

well done


id say the ending is by far the best part and it would be even better if the beginning really lead up to the effect the last line provides.
#7
Thanks guys, I added/changed a bit.

Bleed Away... I added a little piece onto the middle stanza. Hopefully it gives a little more insight into the ending.

rushmore... The pace/haste lines were meant to sound kind of lame. That's the feeling I was going for there. As far as "this" reality goes, I was refering to the reality that "Chicago is a hazy city". I changed "this" to "that" to make it a little more obvious what I mean.

Thanks again.