#1
This is a poem, I suppose. Wrote it in about two hours, intermittently. How you interpret it is up to you. Feel free to leave a comment; you'll get one back.

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If I could give you the world, I would.

I fear, however, that you could not support it.

Well, Atlas has been at it long enough. Let him rest.


It looks heavy; you’re breaking a sweat.

Careful; you nearly crushed that forest.

Your perspiration is dripping into the sky.

It’s a good thing your sweat is mostly water.


Your temple is pulsating; a capillary, throbbing.

If you give up, your efforts shall have been in vain.

I don’t want to clean up your mess if you lose your grip.

A million shattered pieces; how would I possibly fix that?

It would take years to piece the puzzle back together.

Although, I always did wonder what would happen if

The sandy desert neighboured snowy plains.


You know, it’s funny; if I were to tell everyone on Earth

That they were resting on your shoulders, what would they think?

Some would turn to science; how can you breathe out there?

Others would run to the church; blasphemy.


A question for you, Atlas.

You’ve been here awhile; is the world getting heavier?

Take your burden back; we don’t want it.


Oh, mighty one, why must you whine?

You’ve got a sore back? We have bigger problems.
Last edited by XxGibsonSGxX at Feb 21, 2008,
#5
It didn't feel like the story mixed well with the way you wrote it. Which I think was second person, using you and such. So this whole thing would have adopted much better either first person or a third person narrative structure. You wrote a poem talking about this imaginary character, Atlas, but the way you talk about him makes it seem like you are letting the reader assume his characteristics which is generally just being lazy.

Nothing you can do really to fix this other than re-writing the entire thing in a different perspective. That's how I felt though, a tip to apply to your next piece, using second person for anything but song lyrics tends to usually lessen the impact of what you're saying. You're addressing the reader, which is wrong. You're not talking about the reader, you're talking about a specific person, which is why I tend to stray away from using second person. It sounds more personal when you use first or third, and adds a story feel to it.

Anyway, sorry I couldn't help more, thanks for your critique by the way.


matt
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
Hm, well I did want it kind of like I was talking to the reader.

You do know Atlas was the Greek god who held up the world on his shoulders, right? Lost of people don't know that.

I suppose nobody really is going to get what I was trying to get across. I need to practice writing so my meanings are so subtle no one can understand them. Damn. Thanks for your honesty, though.
#7
I think the third stanza is by far the best part of the work, and could really stand alone as a poem. But I like short pieces.
#9
i really liked this it struck me as lighthearted as if you started to write something maybe having to do with a girl "If I could give you the world, I would"
but then you lost track of that topic and started thinking of a bunch of odd questions about atlas the greek titan (atlas was a titan they were half god i believe or something like that)
anyway i liked it it made me chuckle and im sorry if my impression was horribly off of what you were trying to say
#10
i know i'm being picky, but whatever. atlas doesn't hold the world on his shoulders. he holds the heavens. for me, the initial inaccuracy made this unreadable
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#12
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
This is a poem, I suppose. Wrote it in about two hours, intermittently. How you interpret it is up to you. Feel free to leave a comment; you'll get one back.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If I could give you the world, I would.

I fear, however, that you could not support it.

Well, Atlas has been at it long enough. Let him rest.
Great intro, I really like how you added a bit of mythology


It looks heavy; you’re breaking a sweat.

Careful; you nearly crushed that forest.

Your perspiration is dripping into the sky.

It’s a good thing your sweat is mostly water.
I'm guessing that his sweat is rain, great comparison!


Your temple is pulsating; a capillary, throbbing.

If you give up, your efforts shall have been in vain.

I don’t want to clean up your mess if you lose your grip.

A million shattered pieces; how would I possibly fix that?

It would take years to piece the puzzle back together.

Although, I always did wonder what would happen if

The sandy desert neighboured snowy plains.
I liked the puzzle idea, but not really the second line, maybe you should change it (just my opinion)


You know, it’s funny; if I were to tell everyone on Earth

That they were resting on your shoulders, what would they think?

Some would turn to science; how can you breathe out there?

Others would run to the church; blasphemy.
I really liked this stanza, how you *told* the world and had two opinions of others come into place


A question for you, Atlas.

You’ve been here awhile; is the world getting heavier?

Take your burden back; we don’t want it.
This stanza was ok, what do you mean by take your burden back???


Oh, mighty one, why must you whine?

You’ve got a sore back? We have bigger problems.
I like how you basically say **** you to him in the last part of the last line.


I really would like to know where you got your inspiration for this, its very original, I don't think I've ever read somthing like this before. Congrats on a great piece!
#13
Quote by XxGibsonSGxX
This is a poem, I suppose. Wrote it in about two hours, intermittently. How you interpret it is up to you. Feel free to leave a comment; you'll get one back.

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Let me start off saying. I love the way you used Atlas. Im a raving mad man for Greek the Greek gods. People think its weird that at mess, when they pray to god, I ask Athena for strength and knowledge.

If I could give you the world, I would.

I fear, however, that you could not support it.

Well, Atlas has been at it long enough. Let him rest.

It feels like its written as a conversation between Atlas and someone else, The way to put how Atlas feels about his burder then jump to someone elses respose.

It looks heavy; you’re breaking a sweat.

Careful; you nearly crushed that forest.

Your perspiration is dripping into the sky.

It’s a good thing your sweat is mostly water.

you could change the second line to Careful now; you nearly crushed that forest. but its up to you

Your temple is pulsating; a capillary, throbbing.

If you give up, your efforts shall have been in vain.

I don’t want to clean up your mess if you lose your grip.

A million shattered pieces; how would I possibly fix that?

It would take years to piece the puzzle back together.

Although, I always did wonder what would happen if

The sandy desert neighboured snowy plains.


You know, it’s funny; if I were to tell everyone on Earth

That they were resting on your shoulders, what would they think?

Some would turn to science; how can you breathe out there?

Others would run to the church; blasphemy.

I like how you used modern day beliefs in this poem. Back in the ancient greek times this is what they believed, that Atlas was holding up everything, and no a days people consider that blasphemy, but in another thousand years people may think what most now a days believe is blasphemy.

A question for you, Atlas.

You’ve been here awhile; is the world getting heavier?

Take your burden back; we don’t want it.


Oh, mighty one, why must you whine?

You’ve got a sore back? We have bigger problems.



All in all loveing it. I did however send u a P.M. dont take it as a critic cause i may be wrong.
#15
I think I get what you're doing with this but I can't say.

The language is a little plain to me. A little "old fashioned" if ya catch my drift (but not in a good way). I have no idea what I'm trying to say.

It's not terrible, but i agree with Matt that instead of fixing stuff it would be better to just re-write it. Maybe with a different choice of words in some parts and a 3rd person narrative.
Poor advice.
#16
BEAUTIFUL, GORGEOUS, MAGNIFICANT,BRAVO, BRAVO, A MASTER PEICE, *the crowd tarts chanting* ENCORE, ENCORE!!! hahahahaha still think you should try to impliment what i said though but i still love it.
check out my new peice again I wrote it during class and a little during lunch (which I found out tis not that good of an idea to write poetry during lunch at an all guy's school. wasnt the happiest ive ever been) but yea its jsut somthing i came up with not the best but im planning on re-viiting it
#17
BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!

The first two lines sucked me in like a Hoover! In all I thought there is great imagery in here.

Thanks for sharing.
E preciso amar as pessoas como se nao houvesse amanha- Renato Russo
#18
Quote by stellar_legs
I think I get what you're doing with this but I can't say.

The language is a little plain to me. A little "old fashioned" if ya catch my drift (but not in a good way). I have no idea what I'm trying to say.

It's not terrible, but i agree with Matt that instead of fixing stuff it would be better to just re-write it. Maybe with a different choice of words in some parts and a 3rd person narrative.


Alright, thanks, I see what you mean. Perhaps the language is a bit standard, so I'll look it over. However, I can't rewrite this, but I think I can change it so it's mythologically correct, and I can try doing it from a third person; do you suggest I don't mention "I" or "me" in it at all?
#19
I like the idea and the perspective of the piece.

the last line of the second stanza rubs me the wrong way I think a few more subtle rhymes would let it flow nicer
you could rhyme grip with fix
"I don’t want to clean up your mess if you lose your grip.

A million shattered pieces; impossible to fix"

I like the imagery about the miss matched world that was put back together wrong include another line after the desert next to snow,

again some more rhyming opportunities:
" Some would turn to science; asking how you breathe

Others would run to the church; screaming Blasphemy!"
#20
^ Okay thanks! You know it's a poem, right? I mean, I was thinking of making it a song, but...it didn't really rhyme much, so I thought "Okay, poem, cool" but a few suggestions were made saying I used Atlas in the wrong way, so now I may have to rewrite it, and who knows? It could be a song.
#21
Oh, I like the imagery. Also, the differences between religion and science. Once again, great imagery....
I liked it man. Good work.