#1
This is a little song I wrote the other night that started as a bassline and progressed into a full song. The lyrics are based off of the Chuck Palahniuk novel "Invisible Monsters"

You're feeding me lies
and we both know the truth

(Verse)
Like a gunshot to the mouth
everything changed
One simple stupid gesture
my whole life was re-arranged

Broken glass and lying lovers
My best friend is a fake
until the day that I met you
Illuminating my path to take

(Chorus)
We lie we try we only hide
Our deepest desires kept inside
Tonight we might just make things right
Until then we can only fight

(Verse 2)
To change me we must change you
a quest has taken place
I used to look just like you
my body, my hair, and my face

I know who you are
we both know your lies
you keep selling me trash
but I just won't buy

(Chorus again)

(Verse 3)
The time has come
the truth revealed
now my lies
are no longer concealed

I want you to be me
I'm giving you my last shot
I know you won't screw up like me
Your perfect and I'm not


How can I improve on these? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
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Last edited by Captirk at Feb 21, 2008,
#3
Quote by Captirk

Broken glass and lying lovers
My best friend is a fake
until the day that I met you
Illuminating my path to take


The second and fourth lines kinda bug me. "My best friend is a fake" seems to come out of nowhere and the use of the word illuminating seems out of place.

Really the only things I can point out now. All I can say is that there's still room for tweaking here and there.
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#4
Alright, I changed the thread title and I'll try to modify that stanza a little. I'm a little new to songwriting.
Member of the vegetarian club

Arbor AF-100
Cheap Kona

Boss PH-2
Ibanez DC10
NYC Big Muff
Little Alligator
Peavey Rockmaster
TC G-Major
FCB1010
BBE 401 Maxie
Boss RC-20

70's Fender PA 100