#1
Leave some ink and your link and i will give you some ink in return
-

There is a Preacher in a bathtub trying to wash himself clean,
Whilst screaming at 'perfection', that terrible thing,
It is sterile, and birthless; like the crown of a King-
It does not define. It destroys.
Well am I subjective, or considerate? I feel more like a man-nequin,
Wearing cloth and fur, dressed in rags and ribbon,
Furnish me, to finish me. I'll glitter and wince-
Still as naked as birth.
So you wake, address the morning with the saddest chord,
Or an uneven stanza about wanting something pure.
This matress is just rock, and my pillows are dreams.
To the sun, we are just steam.
Well the sky has collapsed around you, footsteps echo your hall.
To where a china doll is crying, she knows of nothing more.
Than the fragility or her frame, her intrinsic claim to fame.
[singing]"Here I am Omniscient, Take aim!"

Lover, I do not feel like myself.

Because every Morgue, Crib and Confession Booth has overflown.
And every Truth and Lie has been told through a telephone.
I wish this static moan, would undress and glow
Because then we'd know where to call home.

Now the Wise are building castles on foundations of sand,
Whilst Card Dealers supply the bricks, because of the demand.
And all the Confused, befriend Inevitables; as neither understand.
Such is the measure of man.
So Shakespeare shakes hands with every mute and every mime
Whilst William Blake silently takes his position in line.
Words are not containers, they are as clumsy as chimes:-
Or like a net trying to catch air.
Well every useless creation has now blocked out the sky.
Along with every failed revolution, and every prodigal child.
It took a microchip and a camera lense to kill father time
And to defuse the timb bomb of our chests.
So a room fills up with people photographing themselves
So patient Picasso trades his brushes for a spirograph
I got a splinter from this instrument, it looked like a crucifix
So I wept,
And wept,
And wept.


--
[Wo]Man's REQUIEM:
--

Imagine Rome at night,
And all the candles needed to light
Up,
Its Colliseums.
Well Death is dark, and Rome was built on Death
Last edited by hiddeninromance at Feb 21, 2008,
#2
Quote by hiddeninromance
Leave some ink and your link and i will give you some ink in return
-

There is a Preacher in a bathtub trying to wash himself clean,
Whilst screaming at 'perfection', that terrible thing.
It is sterile, and birthless; like the crown of a King.
It does not define. It destroys.
Well am I subjective, or considerate? I feel more like a man-nequin.

Nice Opening my friend. The only problem that i found was that maybe you had a tish too much full stops, i do mean little. BTW 'man-nequin' what reference were you trying to use?
Wearing cloth and fur, dressed in rags and ribbon.
Furnish me, to finish me. I'll glitter and wince.
Still as naked as birth.
So you wake, address the morning with the saddest chord,
Or an uneven stanza about wanting something pure.
This matress is just rock, and my pillows are dreams.
To the sun, we are just steam.
Well the sky has collapsed around you, footsteps echo your hall.
To where a china doll is crying, she knows of nothing more.
Than the fragility or her frame, her intrinsic claim to fame.
[singing]"Here I am Omniscient, Take aim!"

Brillient.

Lover, I do not feel like myself.

Because every Morgue, Crib and Confession Booth has overflown.
And every Truth and Lie has been told through a telephone.
I wish this static moan, would undress and glow
Because then we'd know where to call home.

This is brillient as well. the punctuality here was the way i waned it to be in the beggining stanza. Top notch.

Now the Wise are building castles on foundations of sand,
Whilst Card Dealers supply the bricks, because of the demand.
And all the Confused, befriend Inevitables; as neither understand.
Such is the measure of man.
So Shakespeare shakes hands with every mute and every mime
Whilst William Blake silently takes his position in line.
Words are not containers, they are as clumsy as chimes:-
Or like a net trying to catch air.
Well every useless creation has now blocked out the sky.
Along with every failed revolution, and every prodigal child.
It took a microchip and a camera lense to kill father time
And to defuse the timb bomb of our chests.
So a room fills up with people photographing themselves
So patient Picasso trades his brushes for a spirograph
I got a splinter from this instrument, it looked like a crucifix
So I wept,
And wept,
And wept.

I don't know what to say. Well done my friend. Top Notch!


--
[Wo]Man's REQUIEM:
--

Imagine Rome at night,
And all the candles needed to light
Up,
It's Colliseums.
Well Death is dark, and Rome was built on Death

I think you mean "Its colliseums". But still flawlessly done.


Well done my friend you truly did mean when you said that you had better stuff coming. This was exellent and this is probably my favorite piece ever posted here.

Fred Temple.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 21, 2008,
#3
Hey man great piece of work here, and like Bleed Away said, I haven't seen much better stuff posted on the site. I really liked this part:

Because every Morgue, Crib and Confession Booth has overflown.
And every Truth and Lie has been told through a telephone.
I wish this static moan, would undress and glow
Because then we'd know where to call home.


It speaks out and grabbe my attention more than some of the other parts did, not sure why, but it did, lol.

Solid piece of writing mate, good job! GOt a link in my sig for my latest song, let me know what you think!
#4
Hey Bleed Away thanks,
With regards to Man-nequin..
I was just playing with the written word Mannequin.
It's just questioning am I subjective, or considerate...or am I bent and styled (be it with believes or opinions or whatever you want it to be...etc.) like a Mannequin is...I'm a man...thats the first syllable...it was really just a joke...kinda.
I'll post a new one up next week sometime its a (*doom*), dare I say it, Love song.
But it does not use the word love once.
I tried to make it mysterious...
if you'd like I'll send you my first draft of it?
hope you're good man...
-
And yeh anyone else have anything they want to say?
#6
The only thing I can say is that your opening doesn't even compare to the rest of it. This is a very thought-through piece and you seemed to have put a lot into this. I really enjoyed it and can't really think of anything to suggest. PM me when your next piece is up, I'd be happy to try and help on that.


Carmel
This is not a pipe
#7
wow! i was blown away this piece is wonderful very insightful it is angry and beautiful all at once
Well every useless creation has now blocked out the sky.
Along with every failed revolution, and every prodigal child.
It took a microchip and a camera lense to kill father time
And to defuse the timb bomb of our chests.
So a room fills up with people photographing themselves
So patient Picasso trades his brushes for a spirograph
I got a splinter from this instrument, it looked like a crucifix

this bit was brilliant especially the line about father time

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=793752
please give me some feedback and ill definitely be looking for more of your work