#1
Some thing I came up with. my first lyrics ive written critic but dont be to harsh im new at this.

changed some of the lines around and a few off the odd words. added some likes as well
ok so ive been getting a few messeges about how this poem doesnt make sense. i think some of yall feel this way because, you dont know what im talking about. So here I go, This poem is about, no other way to say it, a shroom deal. This poem is based off a true event, sunday the 17th of febuary. It is describing how we felt (my brother, friend, and I) up to the deal. The lost battle against anxiousness to wait to eat them, a little about the shroom (stanza 6) then our trouble waiting, to get home, to do the rest.

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Finally the day has come
The night starts off young
8 o'clock, shotgun!

brother on my left
friend in the back
To excited to think
To anxious to speak
both feeling the same
can't wait to go back

pull in and park
In the car on our right
There sits the ruler
of the rest of the night
hope all goes well
pray all goes right

so far it's nice
On the darkest of nights
The moment of truth
everything goes just right

excitement in the air
no need to fight
on this wonderful night

wishing time would go faster
can barely wait much longer
cant take it anymore
I take my first bite

Take it down like candy
The taste, not so dandy
More like a salty sunflower seed
The mush stuck in my teeth

Our exhilaration dies down
But the avidity wont abate
For on this most majestic night
Will be a journey, alright
One Sunday night
Last edited by xiblackoutix at Feb 22, 2008,
#2
Let me start off by saying that this is pretty good for your first song. A few of the rhymes seem a bit forced, and I didn't get a specific rhythm while reading it. With some alterations and tweaks, this could become a pretty decent song.

By the way, what genre is it?
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
Hi.

Please read the rules, your title is in violation. Once you've read the rules and a Mod has closed this, you may re-post with a proper title.

-zC

*reported*


get a life man

in other news good start but work on the rhying and love to hear samples
Quote by jakewynnrocks
marshall has half stacks for only 600, but i dont know if theyre any good. seems like a good deal....
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
Hi.

Please read the rules, your title is in violation. Once you've read the rules and a Mod has closed this, you may re-post with a proper title.

-zC

*reported*


What's wrong with the title?
#6
Quote by Winter Sky
Let me start off by saying that this is pretty good for your first song. A few of the rhymes seem a bit forced, and I didn't get a specific rhythm while reading it. With some alterations and tweaks, this could become a pretty decent song.

By the way, what genre is it?


^ thanks a lot man im not really shure the genre im thinking acustic rock kinda like jack johnson sound or DMB.
yea ryth is something im not very good at but hey some of the best poets poems didnt ryhm but yea i get where your coming from
#7
OH explination of title is because you ahve ot have name of the piece cant have random stuff like that just put hte name of hte poem or w/e
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#8
but i'll crit it now i fyou want

Finally the day has come
The night starts off young
8 o'clock, shotgun!
To happy to speak
To excited to think

mm ok intrestint way to start off, bright and up beat i guess, though the shotgun puts a little down cast ont aht

brother on my left
friend in the back
both feeling the same
can't wait to get back

intrewsting. though i dont see the connection to the first stanza

pull in and park
next to the ruler
of the rest of the night
hope all goes well
pray that all goes right

once again dont see a connction, alone the stanza is ok

so far so good
The moment of judgment
everything goes just right
excitement in the air
no need to fight
on this most wonderful of nights

try to use diffrent words dont use right 2 times in 2 stanza's. interesting rhyming though sounds forced.

wishing time would go faster
can barely wait much longer
cant take it anymore
I take my first bite

intresing but not bad but not great. Bite seems un poetic? then again i've used strange words.. but w/e .. this seems bi polor.. totally diffrent from the previous stanza. you were excited to anxious

Take it down like candy
the taste of sunflower seeds
mush stuck in my teeth

intresting.

the excitement dies down
but eagerness wont abate
for this most beautiful night
will be a journey, alright

nice use of abate, i like the last couplet.

Over all this isnt too bad for your first. some pointers though, one have a main theme you have in mind and focus your piece on it. Here you seem to stray back and forth from what you want and it remains obscure to the reader what your trying to convey.
the rhyme and flow seems a bit forced but it's not terrible not an easy thing to do. try to use more words like abate, try to stray from the more common words though simple works as well at some times and less at others. well gl keep up the work tak ea look at mine? in sig
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#9
Quote by me<-needs help
but i'll crit it now i fyou want

Finally the day has come
The night starts off young
8 o'clock, shotgun!
To happy to speak
To excited to think

mm ok intrestint way to start off, bright and up beat i guess, though the shotgun puts a little down cast ont aht



Shotgun wasn't ment to be negative. I used it in the way when you and some friends are walking up to a car to get in, and the persont hat yells shot gun first gets to sit up front
#10
Quote by Leadhead3225
get a life man

in other news good start but work on the rhying and love to hear samples

Get a life?

Get acquainted with the rules.

And learn how to spell rhyming.

And don't reply on properly reported threads.

And your post has been reported.

And be sure to check your e-mail.


This thread has been properly reported.

I'd suggest no one else post on it.

...
Meadows
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