#1
I knew this whole wrapping code around your poetry is the new thing on this board, and lately I just feel guilty about parading the idea of using it. But I'm too lazy to reinstall photoshop, and felt this worked pretty well. Especially considering I've been in a block, and a bad one at that lately and not to mention out of the last three pieces I've posted (all deleted) I got a total of 5 comments. Probably because I haven't been returning critiques lately, but that's going to change, it's been my job, very demanding...

Anyway, enjoy this. I think it's the best thing I've written in about two months, which isn't saying a lot


Pushing Off The Pier


Sailors! 
        Across the Atlantic, bucking
at the sea, 
           while people play out
their down fall fixing this giant
machine, it's got levers and sh[i][i][/i][/i]it
tons of buttons that all do the same thing,
one too many screens and an extra nipple,
         Fu[b][b][/b][/b]cking Croatians,
                           never going to 
		                          ski 
		                             down 
			                         that 
		                                     slope of a nose. 
Beautiful snow, she knows about the cross 
between my tongue 
    and my teeth, her tooth 
     in my cheek says
             horrible things while I sleep.

    acrobatic
    and 
    altruistic, she's never 
    accepted my 
    ability to 
    appreciate every 
    aspect of her face.
    Allison's got a lot in common with her mother, 
    and she's got legs that run just like her father, she speaks 
    a slow sharp 
   "a", the way she says
    adorable made me fall in love. Turning corners and blaming the
    animals crossing up a head when she crashes. She wore 
    a sailor's dress to Halloween, kept saying, "Fu[b][b][/b][/b]cking
    Albacore!" 

	     No one got the joke but me, 
                and I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not I would jump
	     over board to save her if she fell. I told myself it would be a perfectly
                  fine waste of sea bed for both of us to die. I saluted her
	     and jumped ship, she came after me without thinking.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Feb 22, 2008,
#2
I tried doing a break down quote but ended up messing up the format.

Your intense use of alliteration is spectacular. Every line in that second stanza beings with "a" without breaking flow. Superb. I also like the "****ing Croatians" sequence. Good little bit of concrete writing. Also, the ending was very touching; that's what I call devotion.

Although it was a half assed crit, there's what I have to say. I would've broken it down but it messes my computer up for the most part. Wonderful writing; I always enjoy reading poetry structured the way you have it; I believe Phantom is also notorious for it. Anyways, really good job, and a solid piece. Congrats.

If you have time, check out Atlas in my sig.

Thanks,

Mark
#3
This was really, very enjoyable. A few things threw me off such as "a sailor's dressed to Halloween" and "Where or not" but most of this worked beautifully. Flow was awesome and the ending was great.

Solid piece from you.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Thanks from you, I'm returning critiques so anyone who wants one give this piece a read.
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#5
This was refreshing.

At first i didn't like it, until "Fucking Croatians...", i found it a little boring and the flow lacking.

The next stanza showed promise and led me to believe it was worth my time finishing the piece, i'm glad i did.

The section where the form is fed by the use of alliteration was a novel idea and i thought it was destroy the flow, but i liked the way it was choppy and the emphasis on the alliteration was shoved down your throat. I think i actually REALLY liked this bit.

And the closing stanza i might have liked just as much, the style was completely different, but still compelling. In those few sentences, you were able to show a real insight to the characters, a real sense of intrigue.

The ending perfectly suited the piece.

I went back and read it again, hoping i was wrong about the start, but i still don't like it much, i think it probably drags down the last two stanzas which i thought were stellar.

---

Would love your thoughts on mine, however much i feel you aren't going to like it. I'd value your input.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=792588
#6
Quote by Something_Vague


Sorry, hate critiquing in code. Also, I'm fully aware you probably don't want a stanza by stanza thing... but I find that is how I'm best able to focus my critiques, so deal with it.


Sailors!
Across the Atlantic, bucking
at the sea,
while people play out
their down fall fixing this giant
machine, it's got levers and shit
tons of buttons that all do the same thing,
one too many screens and an extra nipple,
Fucking Croatians,
never going to
ski
down
that
slope of a nose.

I both loved and hated this opening. Let's start with the good... the imagery was wonderful and the quirkiness of it was spectacular. Now the bad... I absolutely hated the first three lines, more specifically their tone. You start out in this serious verbose tone, and before the reader even gets used to it... you jog off to a comical and quirky tone. You may have meant to do that, I don't know... but it made this stanza feel like it was just thrown together... like a two different ideas you had written separately and then patched together. Felt unpolished. I also, hated the feel of the ending... the slope of a nose felt so disconnected from everything else in here. I was struggling to connect it to anything but nipple, due to the anatomical reference... but it still didn't feel in place.

Beautiful snow, she knows about the cross
between my tongue
and my teeth, her tooth
in my cheek says
horrible things while I sleep.

Again, love hate relationship. Only things I didn't like were Beautiful snow and her tooth in my cheek. Snow thing feels disconnected again... there may be some sort of reference (other than skiing) but I think its too vague to be found by an average reader. And the her tooth thing just gave me this really fucked up image of some girl biting through a guys cheek and then whispering "horrible things." Oh, and horrible is a terrible modifier... you are capable of better.

acrobatic
and
altruistic, she's never
accepted my
ability to
appreciate every
aspect of her face.
Allison's got a lot in common with her mother,
and she's got legs that run just like her father, she speaks
a slow sharp
"a", the way she says
adorable made me fall in love. Turning corners and blaming the
animals crossing up a head when she crashes. She wore
a sailor's dress to Halloween, kept saying, "Fucking
Albacore!"

Loved everything but the swear. It may be a direct quote... I dunno. But it was used in the same way that newbies to song writing use it... if you catch what I mean... seemed like it was unnecessary and just there for emphasis, instead of being used in a way to make it relevant. Probably just me though, as I tend to not like swearing in pieces that often, because it feels like a cheap way out of constructively building an image.

No one got the joke but me,
and I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not I would jump
over board to save her if she fell. I told myself it would be a perfectly
fine waste of sea bed for both of us to die. I saluted her
and jumped ship, she came after me without thinking.

fantastic.



I liked it... but I could also tell it is a "block" piece. Didn't have the same 'zip' as your normal stuff.

Return on Sunburnt Penguins (in sig).

-zC
#7
i loved the peice other people have said what i would say. this peice, for some odd reason, really made me laugh a lot. It was a great read after the last one which i enjoyed reading your critque. I loved your 'tough love' so to say by just shredding the kids hopes of the a great poem to ****, but you were right it was completely boring.
It would be an honor for you to critique my work you seem to know what your saying in you other ones and i could take any advice.
#8
Not a crit, just a couple of comments.

Sailors! 
        Across the Atlantic, bucking
at the sea, 
           while people play out
their down fall fixing this giant
machine, it's got levers and sh[i][i][/i][/i]it
tons of buttons that all do the same thing,
one too many screens and an extra nipple,
         Fu[b][b][/b][/b]cking Croatians,
                           never going to 
		                          ski 
		                             down 
			                         that 
		                                     slope of a nose. 
Beautiful snow, she knows about the cross 
between my tongue 
    and my teeth, her tooth 
     in my cheek says
             horrible things while I sleep.

    acrobatic
    and 
    altruistic, she's never 
    accepted my 
    ability to 
    appreciate every 
    aspect of her face.
    Allison's got a lot in common with her mother, 
    and she's got legs that run just like her father, she speaks 
    [color="Blue"]Haven't you used this line about her legs and her father, before?[/COLOR]
    a slow sharp 
   "a", the way she says
    [color="Blue"]I found this line to be extremely annoying.
    Forcing the "a" to the beginning of the line broke things up, too much.
    Up to this point, and even afterward, the technique was clever.[/COLOR]
    adorable made me fall in love. Turning corners and blaming the
    animals crossing up a head when she crashes. She wore 
    a sailor's dress to Halloween, kept saying, "Fu[b][b][/b][/b]cking
    Albacore!" 

	     No one got the joke but me, 
                and I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not I would jump
	     over board to save her if she fell. I told myself it would be a perfectly
                  fine waste of sea bed for both of us to die. I saluted her
	     and jumped ship, she came after me without thinking.
             [color="Blue"]I liked the way you turned the ending of this on yourself.[/COLOR]
Meadows
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#9
slow start. I almost didn't want to finish reading it.
but the the last two stanza were far better.
overall as a piece it holds itself together.
did I mention I loved the end?
#10
Since everyone is taking all this time to arrange their work in pretty shapes, I am going to ruin it by critiquing like this.


Sailors!
Across the Atlantic, bucking
at the sea,
while people play out
their down fall fixing this giant
machine, it's got levers and ****
tons of buttons that all do the same thing,
one too many screens and an extra nipple,

That was horrible to read Matt, the enjambment just kills everything, but even when re-arranged to resemble a full sentence it is just gobbledygook. There's nothing in it, no imagery and no meaning as far as I can tell. I'll say it now, this piece would be miles better without this.

****ing Croatians,
never going to
ski
down
that
slope of a nose.

Why did you arrange it like that? Cause you're talking about a slope? Clever. For me this would have been much more inviting if it was a regular line. Didn't like the ellipsis of 'Are' after the comma. I kinda like the line, it seems to hold worth within the context of the entire piece. I am still asking 'why' though....

Beautiful snow, she knows about the cross
between my tongue
and my teeth, her tooth
in my cheek says
horrible things while I sleep.

Full stop it after 'teeth'. I kinda liked this, the snow seemed pointless at this part in the story, it's great you've introduced 'it', but if you're not going to do anything with it yet, save it. This stanza, right now goes over my head. I can't place it to a character or a setting, or anything else, so I just have reservations.

acrobatic
and
altruistic, she's never
accepted my
ability to
appreciate every
aspect of her face.

You recently really tore into me for going overboard with alliteration. Well now is not the time to say it back. This works, it is gimmicky, which I've not really seen you do, so you must be in a block. This line is solid, but it would also be solid were it written like a line.

Allison's got a lot in common with her mother,
and she's got legs that run just like her father, she speaks

What was the point in saying she runs like her father. Surely mentioning she swims like him would be a better angle given the water theme...If not it is irrelevant.
a slow sharp
"a", the way she says
adorable made me fall in love.

I get what you were going for but this is clumsy, it thuds along with no real eloquence because you started this gimmick and had to continue it. You weren't a big enough writer to say that is enough and go back to writing normally. The last line here is pretty strong.

Turning corners and blaming the
animals crossing up a head when she crashes. She wore
a sailor's dress to Halloween, kept saying, "****ing
Albacore!"

What?! "ahead". More ellipsis that is weird. Like my 15th century **** you mentioned, this is just as bad. (are we getting worse Matt?) err yeah I dunno what is going on here.

No one got the joke but me,
and I couldn't stop thinking about whether or not I would jump
over board to save her if she fell. I told myself it would be a perfectly
fine waste of sea bed for both of us to die.

That line is good, but it is a little wordy..."perfectly fine waste" just seems like too many words. Perhaps remove one.

I saluted her
and jumped ship, she came after me without thinking.

This is the best stanza by far. It's good. The rest now seems miles below this standard and so the piece fails. There's little cohesion, little in the way of a timeline to the story, little emotion, and nothing for us to truly grab onto and see through to its end. Together we'd write amazing pieces.

You know what is wrong with this piece. You're not a gimmick writer, so don't play into the craze, stick to what you are good at and be confident in what you do, cause this seemed like you're trying too hard to be someone you're not. Stop showing off and show us what you can write like.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
You pegged me correctly, I have been in a block, and I have little to no inspiration. You're right though, it's all thrown together around a common theme.
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#12
this whole piece was kind of a frusturating read because I was waiting for some of it to be earnest, but I ended up with very little. And to be honest, the subject matter actually had quite a bit of potiential, but all these shapes and stuff really just seem half hearted and flashy. And then the random aliteration stanza, which actually was pulled off quite nicely, stuck out too much and ruined what ever small amount of flow had lead up to it.

I hope this block will be behind you soon, and a small piece of advice about that from me would be don't try and force your way out of it, cause it could actually only become worse with that approach. let it happen, and trust in your talents, for they should be too hard to find.
#13
Seems like you're not putting much thought into the structure. If you're gonna use this code ****, use it to effect. The whole idea of representing falling or slopes or whatever with one word lines is pretty conventional and boring, like your "ski down that slope of a nose" idea. The internal rhyming and ideas though, like in all your pieces, are amazing. And heaps of other impressive methods and clever little ideas. Etc.

I preferred your 'art poetry' though. The piece with the Bunny in particular.

If you want a read. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=791815. Thanks.