#1
there's a man in the alley
leaning against the brick
wrapped in rags
wise and sick

"boy", he says
through the filth and gin
"there's no such thing
as a life without sin"

mourning is not worth it's
weight in tears and
waiting is not worth it's
weight in years

"sixty-three and
i'm almost alone
nothing but dirt and
alcohol soaked bones"

he coughed twice and
looked up at the sky
blood at his mouth
and a tear in his eye
"well i've always wished I could fly"
Last edited by j_elbow at Feb 26, 2008,
#2
Good stuff, favorite was probably the third stanza, keep up the good work and thanks for the kind words on my piece.
#3
hey man sorry for how late this is... I've been away for the weekend.
There is some really good things in this so well done.
One thing I'm not sure about is how short the lines are...I think thats more my preference though (I prefer longer lines) so it's not really a negative other than that I'd say get rid of the stanza breaks and have it all as one verse of poetry...i think that way it flows a lot better.
But all in all very good.
I liked the second stanza and the third most.
Some of the others i found were patchy...well not patchy; just more lacking in substance...
I think if you had it as one stanza...this complaint would disappear though as then they wouldn't be forced to stand alone.
I liked the last line...though I hope its not a suicide reference as (if you ask me) thats a bit toooo expected.
Other than that...
just a few niggles..."wieght" is spelt "weight"
and "i" is capitals
Speech Marks! :P

"Boy;" He says
Through the filth and gin
"There is no such thing
As a life without sin"
-
and a tear in his eye
'Well I've always wished I could Fly'...

--

Once again..it's got promise..
I look forward to your new pieces
#4
it had to do with death not suicide he knew he was going to die and was looking back on his life sort of thing
#5
i loved the poem very well written i dissagree though when the other person said string them all together into one stanza, dont it sound right the way it is. but besides that i cant wait to see more from you in the future.

c4c
#6
I like it. It tells a really dark and depressing, but realistic story. Beautiful.