#1
We watched the air through loved-up eyes;
still blue, with whispers of white cloud.
Mid-day weather always gave me
a great sense of optimism.

My girlfriend sighed, a long, open sigh
and put a hand to her stomach, itching softly.
Enough food had been eaten for us both
to feel satisfied. Our minds at rest,
we fell down onto the aging blanket.

The grasses poked up through
and I thought we might be hovering -
I even looked twice -
until I realised it was just the feeling.
It had all had come together for me
in that moment; the sun, the smiles
she shone my way. Even the food
was nice, to her surprise.

We stayed until the blanket
was noticeably frayed;
as fragile as it was,
it had done it's job.

Walking off into the tired sun
our hands never quite held;
only touching on the off chance.

That night, we shared the same bed,
shared the same cold darkness.
Both of us buried further under the duvet.
#2
seriously...i'm pretty new here, but this text is great...! Reminds me of some of my own...''issues'. Wish i could write like this.
#3
I didn't like "the aging blanket". It's too familiar, you haven't even addressed your girlfriend by name to the reader and yet you expect them to know specifically which blanket you have fallen to. Certainly "an aging blanket" is the more logical choice.

I hated the elaboration of the hovering idea. Takes a nice line and ruins it, I think.

I don't think all the breakups in description really did much for the narrative voice that the reader gets going. It sounds kind of carefree and flowing and then you get hit in the face by all these breaks and new stanzas. Personally, I would much prefer the last three stanzas merged into one, but i suppose a great number of people won't agree with that.

I did really like it, despite the subject being so simple, you have a nice way of saying things and it was a cute little read.

I was hoping for another one of your songs, though.
#4
Nice piece you got here man, moves freely and keeps the reader interested. Although it would make a little more sense to introduce the girlfirends name into the piece, would help people to relate the stanzas to oneanother.

Could you have a read of my latest piece and let me know what you think> Link is in my sig, cheers!
#5
Quote by Jammydude44
We watched the air through loved-up eyes;
still blue, with whispers of white cloud.
Mid-day weather always gave me
a great sense of optimism.

My girlfriend sighed, a long, open sigh
and put a hand to her stomach, itching softly.
Enough food had been eaten for us both
to feel satisfied. Our minds at rest,
we fell down onto the aging blanket.

The grasses poked up through
and I thought we might be hovering -
I even looked twice -
until I realised it was just the feeling.
It had all had come together for me
in that moment; the sun, the smiles
she shone my way. Even the food
was nice, to her surprise.

We stayed until the blanket
was noticeably frayed;
as fragile as it was,
it had done it's job.

Walking off into the tired sun
our hands never quite held;
only touching on the off chance.

That night, we shared the same bed,
shared the same cold darkness.
Both of us buried further under the duvet.


This is just a bad Hemingway rip-off with line breaks. It reads disconnected from the actual event, but in reality you just couldn't grasp the emotion of the setting. Intimate and quasi-philosophical. Instead you rambled on about nothing. There's nothing here at all, it's like you read it, and wonder to yourself, why did he write that?

Where's the flow, the beat, poetry should at least read like flowing water, otherwise it's just prose with line breaks, and I realize for the most part it is, but there's not even a semblance of off rhyme, rhyme or anything.

Why did you write this? It seems like homework for your creative writing class. All in all I felt completely empty and bored while reading it, as if I was just reading on instinct. I felt nothing.

I appreciate your use of first person, but here it comes again, it comes off as disconnected from the actual event. When you use first person you're supposed to see into the writer's mind, unique thoughts. The only remotely unique thought I found in this was:

The grasses poked up through
and I thought we might be hovering -
I even looked twice -
until I realized it was just the feeling.


Grass doesn't have a plural form by the way. Grass is grass is grass. Grass blades would technically be the plural of grass, even though grass blades implies less grass than just grass.

But yeah, overall you need to work on emotional connection to your setting. You seem to have a decent understanding of description, minus the poor choice of "loved-up eyes." Which just reminds me of a cartoon puppy, in a bad way.

Sorry bud.

matt

Give a look to mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=793662
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
Quote by Jammydude44
We watched the air through loved-up eyes;


Walking off into the tired sun
our hands never quite held;
only touching on the off chance.

.


awww...
dude, you're makin me cry here, i just got over some wierd stuff...

but seriously,
loved it,

maybe you could replace the word "girlfriend" with something else, it just doesn't flow with the rest of the piece.
i loved the quaint, reflective mood it set,
all in all, nice job,
just take my advice into consideration, k?
#7
We watched the air through loved-up eyes;
still blue, with whispers of white cloud.
Mid-day weather always gave me
a great sense of optimism.
I like this opening.
Not too intricate.
Simple. Pleasant. Inviting.
I felt the mood and a nice image.


My girlfriend sighed, a long, open sigh
and put a hand to her stomach, itching softly.
Enough food had been eaten for us both
I didn't like this line,
and it's completion on the next, at all.
Too utilitarian.

to feel satisfied. Our minds at rest,
we fell down onto the aging blanket.
About the only thing this section accomplished
during my read,
was to get the two of you horizontal
and to generate some interest
in the blanket as you introduce it.


The grasses poked up through
and I thought we might be hovering -
I even looked twice -
until I realised it was just the feeling.
It had all had come together for me
in that moment; the sun, the smiles
she shone my way. Even the food
was nice, to her surprise.

We stayed until the blanket
was noticeably frayed;
as fragile as it was,
it had done it's job.

Walking off into the tired sun
our hands never quite held;
only touching on the off chance.

That night, we shared the same bed,
shared the same cold darkness.
Both of us buried further under the duvet.
Nicely unsettled at the end.
Other than the first section,
there wasn't much attention to imagery.
The sequence of events
was enough to keep things going,
but some flavour wouldn't hurt.


Oooooh, and I almost forgot ...
I loved the repeated references to the title
throughout the piece.
lol
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Where's the flow, the beat, poetry should at least read like flowing water, otherwise it's just prose with line breaks, and I realize for the most part it is, but there's not even a semblance of off rhyme, rhyme or anything.

Fair point, Matt. I do need to work on my poetic form + voice.

Why did you write this?
To write, mainly. I won't use it as an excuse though. IT has my meaning that I wanted, though I realise it's not exactly strong. It is more just images that build up with no defining moment.

So yes, fair points. Thanks Matt.

I was hoping for another one of your songs, though.
Soon honey

Oooooh, and I almost forgot ...
I loved the repeated references to the title
throughout the piece.
lol



Thanks all.

I'll get back to you guys's.