#1
Written in approximately 30 seconds... tear it to hell. C4C, oh yeah, and its sort of experimental, still trying to find a niche I like


Be virtuous,
for the wicked shall receive

just us.
Alone. Frightened.
Morals forever scratched into our
perceptions.
Ethics reform leads
to a perfect life.
Revolution leads to sodomy.

Fear the change,
it all goes down from here.
You whipper-snappers will never do
anything

write.
Stretch out your fingers,
dip them in ink and
spill your smut.

And at the end of it all
I'll still have one question
for you fogies:
Do you think Jesus was well hung?
Last edited by ZanasCross at Feb 23, 2008,
#2
ummmm, i don't really have anything else to say about this. i like the transitions between stanzas more and more each time i read this.

sorry, this is pointless.

i really just wanted to make you my 200th post.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
Be virtuous,
for the wicked shall receive
lol wut?

just us.
Alone. Scared.
Morals forever scarred into our
This looks awful, Zack.
Scarred is way to close in appearance to scared.
If you can't find a way to make one follow the other immediately,
you need to change one of them.

perceptions.
Ethics reform leads
to a perfect life.
Revolution leads to sodomy.
lol wut?

Fear the change,
it all goes down from here.
You whipper-snappers will never do
anything

write.
Stretch out your fingers,
dip them in ink and
spill your smut.

And at the end of it all
I'll still have one question
for you fogies:
Do you think Jesus was well hung?
lol wut?


I actually got the first lol wut,
when I noticed the homoponic transitions you were using.
I didn't notice that until I read the second one.
The other lol wuts, I'm still working on.
Well done!

Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
Hey man i'm guessing you too is trying an experimental.

Be virtuous,
for the wicked shall receive

just us.
Alone. Scared.

This doesn't quite work. The words were bland and lacking idea. "just us" can work but it was the alone and scared that ruined it. The three pauses didn't work at all.

Morals forever scarred into our
perceptions.
Ethics reform leads
to a perfect life.
Revolution leads to sodomy.

I didn't like the last line it felt like you're trying to hard. I understand what you're trying to say, because i too feel that way, i just don't think it's writting in the best of ways. But i guess knowing where you're coming from is a good thing though.


Fear the change,
it all goes down from here.
You whipper-snappers will never do
anything

I don't really know what to say about this but i didn't like 'whipper-snappers'. What exactly does that mean? I wasn't feeling it with this stanza.

write.
Stretch out your fingers,
dip them in ink and
spill your smut.

This is likeable. This is my favourite stanza from you in this piece thus far. But i don't think that worked at all; trying to connect anything with write from the two stanzas.
'Spill your smut' was a nice line.


And at the end of it all
I'll still have one question
for you fogies:
Do you think Jesus was well hung?


I don't think you made enough reference, or any at all, to use Jesus in your last stanza. But it's a very mystique stanza, which i liked, but it wasn't valid enough. It felt really random and because of those two things mentioned it didn't have nearly as much impact as it should've.




I guess maybe there's a moral to this; we should both stick with our renowned styles before we feel confident enough to change. I wasn't really into to this. I think the best way for both of us to improve is not by changing our styles but by trying to make our style of writing better.

But anyway, good luck dude.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Feb 23, 2008,
#5
Hey Fred,

I actually thought about what you were mentioning in the last stanza as I was writing it, because it was something I mentioned to you. I tried to work in an underlying idea to the whole piece that really does set up for the Jesus line... I probably didn't succeed. Thanks for the crit though. As to sticking with my style, I like to think I don't really have one yet. I've been trying a bunch of different things and I have been trying to find a niche I like... I don't think I've found one yet... but others may disagree. And SYK, if you want an explanation to your lol wuts, let me know.

Thanks everyone so far.
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
Written in approximately 30 seconds... tear it to hell. C4C, oh yeah, and its sort of experimental, still trying to find a niche I like


Be virtuous,
for the wicked shall receive
receive what?

just us. who?
Alone. Frightened. too many dots.
Morals forever scarred into our
perceptions. this line feels over done
Ethics reform leads
to a perfect life.same
Revolution leads to sodomy.
Right, so at this stop in the piece, I get the feeling I'm lost and am being told things that are coherent amongst themselves and incoherent with anything else. I'm not sure what philosophical current is behind this, but I do know it's a bit vague at times. The stuff I put up in bold aren't questions for you to answer, just things you should think about. Last line's more than alright.

Fear the change, horribly unoriginal.
it all goes down from here.what does?
You whipper-snappers will never do
anything meh, I dunno, I dislike this stanza quite a bit. You seemed to say something and nothing at the same time and got nowhere with it.

write.
Stretch out your fingers,
dip them in ink and
spill your smut.
re-work the line breaks
And at the end of it all
I'll still have one question
for you fogies: fogies did not work. Completely loses the tone the piece previously carried.
Do you think Jesus was well hung?
Not that I know of.



Yeah, take it or leave it.