#1
Ermm... This is my first go at writing lyrics, not quite sure what style of music at the moment as my friends wanted me to write lyrics so we could get a mood established and then get music written to it.
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Last night I spoke with history
and talked of his demise
of lies and broken promises
and reasons why i tried

to draw pity from a liquid
warning friends about the prize
shunting secrecy for anxious truth
where failure was rife

Last night I spoke with history
and agreed to pay my dues
"for future's sake don't reminisce"
throw the reds out with the blues

Eternity, the solemn wind
Howls upon my skin
Rage of red and woe of blue
The air is getting thin

Last night I spoke with future
warning me to "please be still"
sending deja vu as messenger
to try and change my will

"letting go of her is moving on
yet you are moving back"
though blues are gone, and all reds too
you still dwell in the black

Last night I spoke with future
he comandeered my style
with deja vu as co-pilot
kamikazied(sp?) my denial

Eternity, the solemn wind
Gnarls upon my skin
regret is of the darkest black
Still the air is getting thin

So I wrote my prose to present
and he raised a hellish din
for he strove to be more ominous
à la his all-foreseeing kin

he demanded that no more
regretful thoughts shall e'er disgrace
the great emotive hall
the whitest, purest place
of all

Eternity, our solemn friend
lusts to pierce our skin
but in moving on
the blood runs cold
a silent, empty win.


If you guys could crit this it would be good, I want to give crits back but I'm really very new to this lyrics stuff and I have no idea what is good and what isn't (even after reading the crit guide .)
FOR EVERY ANIMAL YOU DON'T EAT, I WILL EAT 3.
#2
Your idea is good but the poem feels overlong and repetetive...it would bea lot more effective if you could cut it down to five or six stanzas. Also, a lot of your lines don't flow too well (i.e. too many or too few syllables for comfort). I liek a lot of your word choices though, like "he comandeered my style."

If you could look at the one in my sig I'd appreciste it