#1
the original thread was closed due to a title violation so i re-posted

changed some of the lines around and a few off the odd words. added some likes as well
ok so ive been getting a few messeges about how this poem doesnt make sense. i think some of yall feel this way because, you dont know what im talking about. So here I go, This poem is about, no other way to say it, a shroom deal. This poem is based off a true event, sunday the 17th of febuary. It is describing how we felt (my brother, friend, and I) up to the deal. The lost battle against anxiousness to wait to eat them, a little about the shroom (stanza 6) then our trouble waiting, to get home, to do the rest.

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Finally the day has come
The night starts off young
8 o'clock, shotgun!

brother on my left
friend in the back
To excited to think
To anxious to speak
both feeling the same
can't wait to go back

pull in and park
In the car on our right
There sits the ruler
of the rest of the night
hope all goes well
pray all goes right

so far it's nice
On the darkest of nights
The moment of truth
everything goes just right

excitement in the air
no need to fight
on this wonderful night

wishing time would go faster
can barely wait much longer
cant take it anymore
I take my first bite

Take it down like candy
The taste, not so dandy
More like a salty sunflower seed
The mush stuck in my teeth

Our exhilaration dies down
But the avidity wont abate
For on this most majestic night
Will be a journey, alright
One Sunday night
#3
This song has great direction. It seems like it would be a really up beat song. It really captures the excitement of the characters about the end of their weekend and going out with a bang. Thanks for the crit of mine. Will look for more from you.
#4
I'm not a big fan of shrooms personally, but the way you wrote this got me interested You did a great job of communicating everyone's excitement and how you enjoyed the shrooms. I appreciate the explanation at the beginning, because I wouldn't have had a damn clue what this was all about if I hadn't read that first Thanks for the crit
#5
I thought it was pretty cool. Definitely not the richest of topics, but you really captured the feeling of a night like that. It reminded me of the first time I smoked, and that is always a good thing to become nostalgic about, so thank you. I don't like "mush" in the one stanza, it seems like too juvenile of a word, I would go with something like "fiber", or even "flesh". And also, "To" should be "Too" in stanza number 2...TWO! Sorry about that tangent. Great job on the story telling, alot of people will be able to relate to this song and that is an accomplishment.
#6
Reading it, it seems like it could be a really fast, upbeat punk song to simple powerchords. Me likey
#7
I like it.. the only problem, I would say, would be that you forced the rhymes really hard it seemed (such as: Take it down like candy / The taste, not so dandy). Also, the overall feel of it seemed very.. childish.

I think it'd be really good with a pop punk beat.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#8
seems really upbeat.
ryhmes a lot.
it's okay, could use improvement.
the lines are short.