#1
These are the first two verses or the first verse and chorus to the song that's in progress. Criticism is greatly appreciated:

One by one they stand in line
and one by one they march to die
Ev'ryone says they will be fine
Jan. 20 thank god good-bye

Can someone tell me what we're fighting for
Whatever happened to the days of yore
We cannot take this anymore
Sieg Heil! to the President of War
#4
Quote by Bleed Away
No that verse will not work, it's too cliche


agreed
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#6
Bridge first part:

From every direction a funeral hymn
On their heads loss of life and of limb
Yet their pockets get fatter and wallets do grow
Hope they find out what it's like down below
For they are the true W.M.D.'s
Destroyed a generation and crimsoned our seas
#9
Here's how the song will play out:
First Verse:

One by one they stand in line
and one by one they march to die
Ev'ryone says they will be fine
Jan. 20 thank god good-bye

Chorus (Might be elongated later):
Can someone tell me what we're fighting for
Whatever happened to the days of yore
We cannot take this anymore
Sieg Heil! to the President of War

Second Verse (Revisited):

Now our sons and daughters fight for their lives
Leaving behind husbands, children and wives
A generation sent to the slaughter
Why don't politicians send their sons and daughters?!?

Chorus (Might be elongated later):

Can someone tell me what we're fighting for
Whatever happened to the days of yore
We cannot take this anymore
Sieg Heil! to the President of War

Bridge:

From every direction a funeral hymn
On their heads loss of life and of limb
Yet their pockets get fatter and wallets do grow
Hope they find out what it's like down below
For they are the true W.M.D.'s
Destroyed a generation and crimsoned our seas
Five years gone with no end in sight
They just don't know what's wrong or right!

Chorus (Might be elongated later):

Can someone tell me what we're fighting for
Whatever happened to the days of yore
We cannot take this anymore
Sieg Heil! to the President of War
#11
Take it easy on posting one right after another... there is this thing called the Edit button in the lower right hand corner. We frown on double and triple posting here... as it becomes obnoxious.

As to the song:

I'll go ahead and just out and out with it, I didn't like it at all. You've written down the same thing that every other person who is writing about politics today is writing about, and you've done it with cliche lines. You used obvious images, obvious connections (Hitler vs Bush, assuming you believe that connection), and you generally haven't said anything that was groundbreaking or worthwhile. You show potential, but when writing a political piece, there is a 100% chance it will suck unless you use images and ideas that are new and refreshing to the reader, which you simple didn't do here. Essentially, you were beating a dead dog, but doing it in such a blunt way that it just made me not want to read anymore.

All that said, you did show potential and the piece did have good flow. Try writing something less charged and set up for failure... learn your style and how to use writing techniques such as extended metaphors and such... then come back and try a political piece again. I'm sure it will turn out much better.

Please comment "sunburnt Penguins" in my sig in return.

Thanks,

-zC

Reminder: watch the double posting, next time it will get reported as it does violate the rules of the forum.
#12
Just for the second part to the chorus you recently posted, add to the second line "mourn FOR the dead". When I sing it in my head it seems it could use the extra beat. Anyway, sounds good I wish I had written it. Are you writing this as a metal song? You should record it then post it because I'd like to hear it when it is done.
#14
This really feels a lot like one cliche after another...I mean to say the "I HATE BUSH HE IS A MURDERER" deal has been done about 9001 times over the course of the Iraq war and every time someone makes another song about it, the message loses its potency.

You have some interesting phrases in there like "crimsoned our seas" but overall it just feels like an exaggerated sentiment is driving the song and the anger feels almost plastic.

If you could take a look mine (link is in the sig) I'd appreciate it
#15
i dont about the rest of you losers who r saying its cliche but i think its good
way to go bud, keep it up.
its very anti-flag...i like it, when writing the music make it either hard, dark metal or some hardcore punk sound. good luck
#18
I liked the phrase "Crimsoned our seas"
"That Hidde's a cool guy" -Abe Lincoln
"Hidde? Yeah we jam all the time" -Steve Vai
"Remember that time when burt jumped out of the tree and into the river? Good times!" -Jesus

So I heard you liek profiles?
#21
To be honest, everything I could have said about this piece has been said by ZanasCross.
The only additional advice I would give is not to give up- writing about politics is difficult. Allow your writing skills to improve, take onboard peoples advice, and when you think you can write and original a subtle piece about politics feel completely free to do so.
Otherwise, as ZanasCross said, you are beating a dead dog.
#22
Tell me about it. I had a go (The Rebel Song, c4c) and it turned out very badly. But it is a difficult topic, as it has been done so many times it's hard to come up with something original.
#23
I agree 100% with ZanasCross. It's way too cliche and the same as every other political song ever written minus about a hand full. You definately have potential, just keep away from political crap because chances are somebody's already said the exact same thing. I like your writing style though. It flows nice. Sorry for the bad crit, but I say it like it is. Keep writing, just not about this stuff.

P.S. My song is supposed to be somwhere along the lines of like a punk rock/new style rock ish. Kind of like the Foo Fighters. I just can't really name the exact style right now. I like your writing style, just not this song.
#24
Yea I can see what you guys are saying. Well I took my chances with another style it's called "I won't be there tomorrow" and I have to say I like it alot more than this. But hey ever album has a couple filler songs and this could end up being one of them if I ever do create an album.
#25
I like it. the political stance on anti war and **** is always cool with me. keep rocking for peace man.
To live alone we must be a beast or a god, says Aristotle, leaving out the third case: One must be both, a philosopher.
-Freidrich Nietzsche

-The Candle Burns At Both EndsX=X
#26
i read this the other night too...
its a good song.
not really my style, but i can see the talent you have through this one...
its great

the chorus is awesome.

and:
From every direction a funeral hymn
On their heads loss of life and of limb
Yet their pockets get fatter and wallets do grow
Hope they find out what it's like down below
For they are the true W.M.D.'s
Destroyed a generation and crimsoned our seas
Five years gone with no end in sight
They just don't know what's wrong or right!

is better than the verse....
great job.