#1
You leave at 6 am and don't return to 2 in the morning every morning, every day, every month. you have vodka with your cereal x2. you used to be the queen of the party, so elegant, so fine. now the party has gone it just about the drinking games and late hour. its killing you its killing you it is.

Chorus: if you don't stop i be gone out the door, its killing you don't you see. who will you have left but a bottle of jack by your bedside cabinet.

this poison in your veins is so bitter and you were so sweet. all these chemical will kill you before your 21. i think i love you but that not enough room for you and your bottle. its killing you its killing you it is.

Chorus

you like a vampire just without the need for blood, hate the light, love the night, maybe it is your scene.

Chorus


(sorry about spelling mistake, let me know what you think)
#3
this is good i think it neeeds a better rhyme scheme all but taht its lovely its very emotional
good work
5/5
#4
You leave at 6 am
and don't return to 2 in the morning every morning,
every day, every month.
you have vodka with your cereal
you have vodka with your cereal or is it you have vodka with you cereal too?
you used to be the queen of the party,
so elegant, so fine.
now the party has gone
it just about the drinking games and late hour.
its killing you
its killing you it is.
The beginning is great, but it starts to run out of steam around now the party has gone. And I put it into stanzas because it’s really hard to read lyrics in sentence form.
Chorus: if you don't stop i be gone out the door,
its killing you don't you see.
who will you have left
but a bottle of jack by your bedside cabinet.
decent chorus
this poison in your veins is so bitter
and you were so sweet.
all these chemical will kill you before your 21.
i think i love you
but that not enough room for you and your bottle.
its killing you its killing you it is.
First two lines are good, but chemical sounds clinical and out of place in this emotional poem.
Chorus

you like a vampire just without the need for blood,
hate the light, love the night, maybe it is your scene.
Kind of an awkward ending.
Chorus

I like it but it needs work, try and tie things up at the end.