#1
Make of this what you will. I am not religious I just find it a very powerful metaphor for other more literal things.


S-A-I-N-T-P-A


As the broad-cast of a statues poise...
I, with salient voice, in tone,
recite a psalm ne'r of limelight
towards a fractal monument.

Neglects the celestial
Thoroughfare...
I compressed the Earth with just feet
through country, through sea, to be here,
in sight o'the omniscient sun.

Insolated, it eclipses that of my own able frame...
I kneel, affront this cairn of saints,
and by divine right balance hope with
arms locked in a crucifix stance.

Passing, incising outstretched digits one numeral
At a time - an ellipsis of idioms, salvaged like...
I am not the gift of manna,
or piety. I live not an austere life,
yet I shall pass...and judge

Secretions from the eyes of stone.
with cupped hands, that, in theory
should be face to face instead.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
Make of this what you will. I am not religious I just find it a very powerful metaphor for other more literal things.


S-A-I-N-T-P-A


As the broad-cast of a statues poise...
I, with salient voice, in tone,
recite a psalm ne'r of limelight
towards a fractal monument.

Neglects the celestial
Thoroughfare...

I'll just separate this into whatever seems correct. I have qualms with this, as I always do with your writing because it seems overtly verbose for the sake of being verbose. I understand what you're saying here, but there are easier ways to say it. It's like there's two roads you can take, and you seem to always over dramatize things into these sort of pseudo intellectualisms. Why would you use ne'r? Like what is the point? Abbreviating words like that is usually to reduce syllable count for meter, but near is a one syllable word, there's just not a god damn point to it Steve, and that's what's so frustrating about your poetry. There's no point to the way you do things, it just makes things difficult. It's like a film maker, he can shoot a scene one way with a crane, or he can learn how to use stilts and shoot it while he walks on stilts, both ways he gets the same exact message across, one way is easier, one way is harder. You're type of guy that would pick stilts. Regardless though, I didn't like the use of celestial, it's a horrid word that expresses just about nothing. It justs reminds me of Close Encounters...The indented part was good, except for the abbreviated word, and "fractal monument" which is just ugly.

I compressed the Earth with just feet
through country, through sea, to be here,
in sight o'the omniscient sun.

Insolated, it eclipses that of my own able frame...

God damn it, again! o'the? What the hell are you thinking? Why do people still write as if it is 15th century Europe? Use modern language, use modern colloquialisms, make use of the stunning and interesting difference of language between American's and The British. You could be describing the exact scene with modern language, with modern phrases, with modern ideas and still have it be verbose and good. Yet you choose to do this Shakespearean shit. It's so frustrating because your ideas are so wonderful, you just muck it up with this "Ye Olde English" handbook someone's given you. Anyway, this was drastically better than the first part, minus the thread line which treads back into "what the fuck made you decide to write like this" land.

I kneel, affront this cairn of saints,
and by divine right balance hope with
arms locked in a crucifix stance.

Passing, incising outstretched digits one numeral
At a time - an ellipsis of idioms, salvaged like...

Great no abbreviations, but this stanza thing, you seem to go for broke here. You exercise every word you know, but I've heard you use these words before, like cairn and what not, so it's not totally interesting. I know I re-use ideas so I can't call you on a fault, but still. I still think this can be dumbed down and still preserve it's integrity. There are so many things you can use to make this a modern piece, a piece about current religion and you don't. You revert back to what's safe for you, hiding behind your verbosity. I didn't like the enjambment here either. Separating with/arms was a bad idea that broke up the flow. Break the line right after with arms, and begin the third with locked. Then end the third line with Passing, and begin the fourth line with incising. It creates a bigger pause, gives you a more noticeable rhyme and reads better.

I am not the gift of manna,
or piety. I live not an austere life,
yet I shall pass...and judge

Secretions from the eyes of stone.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
^haha, holy **** matt, your crit was almost a better read than the piece itself. And i do agree with a lot of what you said about steve's piece...Steve, I thought in the last piece I read from you, the direction you were taking in it was quite impressive since it was a complete 180 from your normal stuff. This, as Matt beat to death, is an easy resort back to your old way, and I do think a lot of the impact was lost amongst the sometimes seemingly aimless word usage.

On the up side, there were some pretty excellent ideas that I think you be salvaged here if you were wanting to rewrite this, especially the 'cup-hands/face to face' bit at the end. I would almost start out with that idea and go from there and maybe there would be a more fluid idea stream. Just a thought, and I would be curious to hear your side on what were the motives behind this piece. It was still interesting nonetheless.
#4
I'm not going to forsake words that relate too well to the piece. I know I am overly verbose but for once it's justified. Anyway yeah for the other parts I agree, it's another practice piece. Don't mean to be ab ass, but I also suggest you look up the words 'manna' and 'mana'.

BJ you know me, I hate to be pigeon-holed to a style, I'm changing it all the time atm. Thanks for the words men.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Feb 25, 2008,