#1
This is a song I'm attempting to right about a girl who keeps offering her self up like a piece of nothing. And all the guys are the same, an endless cycle of what she calls "relationships".

Intro:
Come one, Come all,
Come to Mr. Deva's Carnival
It only cost one life,
One Soul. One Heart!

Verse 1:
Would you like a drink Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones?
Would you like a drink, Sir!?
...It doesn't cost a dime.
Only if you prefer extra lime.

Bridge:
You could stay the night, if you'd like.
Warning after 2, 3 months you must get off the ride!

Chorus:
So... Dance Mr. Jones Dance, Dance.
Dance while you can!

(Some weird like carnival music changing the tempo to 4/4)

Verse 2:
Test your strength, everyone, everyone!
Come on, you in the black, wait not you!
...Children Of All ages!
Even people with minimum wages!

Chorus:
Dance Mr. Jones Dance, Dance.
Dance while you can!


La-la-la-la La-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la!
La-la-la-la La-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la!


Verse 3:
Round and round we go, we go!
Oh Joy! The ride...It never stops!
Mr. Jones. Are you okay?
Well shut up, you got a show to play!
(People chatter in the background gets louder, and then the word "Stop!" gets shouted. Everything is silenced.)

-Spoken-
And the winner is... (Drumroll)
...Mr. Nobody, Oh what joy!
Hmm. Mr. Nobody can't be found.
Oh well, Next Contestant!

(Carnival Music Proceeds. Back to cut time.)

Chorus:
Dance Mr. Jones Dance, Dance.
Dance while you can!

Chorus:
Dance Mr. Jones Dance, Dance.
Dance while you can!

Outro:
Mr. Jones, why aren't you dancing?

Mr. Jones.... Mr. Jones!

Dance Mr. Jones Dance!

(Spoken)huh... NEXT!


What do you guys think I should do to make it better? I'm new at song writing. Plus what do you guys think of the song so far? 1-10 and what should I do to make it better, or what I need to improve?
Last edited by Korgone at Feb 23, 2008,
#2
Better in what sense?
I was an Internet Witness in the mike.h Murder Case.
Quote by Pauldapro
this man is right. everything he says is right. so, stop killing people and get therapy ffs