#1
This is a song I'm working on. English isn't my first language, and it's the second song I've ever written for my new band, so I appreciate all forms of constructive criticism. I'll review your pieces if you leave a link as well.

So, tell me what you think.

Sinking Ship

Tied to the the back of the steering wheel
Arms can't reach around to stop it's spinning
We lost our way in a coffin of steel
All planned out since the very beginning

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Flashing lights, I've lost my grip
On the edge of life, I managed to slip
Sea is torn by the raging thunder
Violent currents dragging us under
On a sinking ship tonight

Stuck in a vague dream that never felt real
Yet all this time I thought we were winning
But we lost the game and it changed how I feel
I'll go down like a joker, forever grinning

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Deafening alarm, I'm losing my grip
Knuckles white and pain in my fingertips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no flash could ever light my way
On a sinking ship tonight

My arms couldn't reach around to give relief
I'm a fallen knight with a broken shield
I'm a lone ragged tree in an open field
I'm a desperate soul buried in grief

We're on a sinking ship
Final seconds of our final trip
Lights go out, a scream from my lips
Electricity in the air, the lightning rips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no beacon could ever guide my way
On a sinking ship tonight
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
Last edited by Demon Wolf at Feb 23, 2008,
#3
Quote by Demon Wolf



Sinking Ship

Tied to the the back of the steering wheel
Arms can't reach around to stop it's spinning
We lost our way in a coffin of steel
All planned out since the very beginning
like the opening. Especially like "coffin of steel".

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Flashing lights, I've lost my grip
On the edge of life, I managed to slip
Sea is torn by the raging thunder
Violent currents dragging us under
On a sinking ship tonight
pretty good here. The only thing i would pick about is that the first four lines rhyme. They dont seem forced, but it does start to change the feel of the piece in a way i dont enjoy.

Stuck in a vague dream that never felt real
Yet all this time I thought we were winning
But we lost the game and it changed how I feel
I'll go down like a joker, forever grinning
love the line about the joker grinning

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Deafening alarm, I'm losing my grip
Knuckles white and pain in my fingertips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no flash could ever light my way
On a sinking ship tonight
Even though the first four lines rhyme again, it feels a little better to me here. Maybe just change fingertips to fingers

My arms couldn't reach around to give relief
I'm a fallen knight with a broken shield
I'm a lone ragged tree in an open field
I'm a desperate soul buried in grief
love these lines, some great imagery here.

We're on a sinking ship
Final seconds of our final trip
Lights go out, a scream from my lips
Electricity in the air, the lightning rips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no beacon could ever guide my way
On a sinking ship tonight
Strong closing

I really enjoyed this. Again the only thing i would change is the rhyming in the first chorus stanza. The following choruses, even with the same type of rhyming feel a lot better thatn the first one did for some reason.

But overall, it was great.

Check this out maybe?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=795263
#4
Quote by Bleed Away
English is also not my first language. This was great.


Quote by slidething31
I really enjoyed this. Again the only thing i would change is the rhyming in the first chorus stanza. The following choruses, even with the same type of rhyming feel a lot better thatn the first one did for some reason.

But overall, it was great.

Check this out maybe?

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=795263


Thanks for the read, people. I'll fiddle with it and see what I can come up with.

I'll check your songs right away.
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
#5
Tied to the the back of the steering wheel
Arms can't reach around to stop it's spinning
So these first two lines are extremely awkward. What you've described was hard for me to picture, the end of the second line wasn't nice to read either 'to stop it's spinning' came off the tongue really weirdly, at least for me. Because I've read through this a few times already, I know it gets better, so for me you've started off weakly, and the rest of the piece is trying to catch up now because of it. Also, the ABAB rhyme scheme doesn't appeal to me here. I'd prefer it AABB, like the next verse [or close enough]
We lost our way in a coffin of steel
All planned out since the very beginning
I feel like it's trying too hard to be vague, and comes off as undeveloped and like it's trying too hard to be something it shouldn't be.

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Flashing lights, I've lost my grip
On the edge of life, I managed to slip
Sea is torn by the raging thunder
Violent currents dragging us under
On a sinking ship tonight
I like this a lot, lot more. Rhyming flows well, I just think the last line could do with some editing. It works okay I guess, I just feel it could be better. I like how it doesn't rhyme, that's not what bothers me.

Stuck in a vague dream that never felt real
Yet all this time I thought we were winning
But we lost the game and it changed how I feel
I'll go down like a joker, forever grinning
The ABAB works better now, it flows better, the syllable count is nice and smooth too, the language is really good, not too basic, not too complex, especially considering english is your second language.

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Deafening alarm, I'm losing my grip
Knuckles white and pain in my fingertips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no flash could ever light my way
On a sinking ship tonight
Yep, no complaints here, once again the rhyming works extremely well.

My arms couldn't reach around to give relief
I'm a fallen knight with a broken shield
I'm a lone ragged tree in an open field
I'm a desperate soul buried in grief
Hmm. I dunno about the rhyme scheme. The two middle lines are ace, really, really good, the other two are so-so. The first I don't really understand too much anyway.

We're on a sinking ship
Final seconds of our final trip
Lights go out, a scream from my lips
Electricity in the air, the lightning rips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no beacon could ever guide my way
On a sinking ship tonight

Great ending. You rhyme amazingly. Seriously. So good.


O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#6
Quote by Snowblind 911
Tied to the the back of the steering wheel
Arms can't reach around to stop it's spinning
So these first two lines are extremely awkward. What you've described was hard for me to picture, the end of the second line wasn't nice to read either 'to stop it's spinning' came off the tongue really weirdly, at least for me. Because I've read through this a few times already, I know it gets better, so for me you've started off weakly, and the rest of the piece is trying to catch up now because of it. Also, the ABAB rhyme scheme doesn't appeal to me here. I'd prefer it AABB, like the next verse [or close enough]
We lost our way in a coffin of steel
All planned out since the very beginning
I feel like it's trying too hard to be vague, and comes off as undeveloped and like it's trying too hard to be something it shouldn't be.

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Flashing lights, I've lost my grip
On the edge of life, I managed to slip
Sea is torn by the raging thunder
Violent currents dragging us under
On a sinking ship tonight
I like this a lot, lot more. Rhyming flows well, I just think the last line could do with some editing. It works okay I guess, I just feel it could be better. I like how it doesn't rhyme, that's not what bothers me.

Stuck in a vague dream that never felt real
Yet all this time I thought we were winning
But we lost the game and it changed how I feel
I'll go down like a joker, forever grinning
The ABAB works better now, it flows better, the syllable count is nice and smooth too, the language is really good, not too basic, not too complex, especially considering english is your second language.

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Deafening alarm, I'm losing my grip
Knuckles white and pain in my fingertips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no flash could ever light my way
On a sinking ship tonight
Yep, no complaints here, once again the rhyming works extremely well.

My arms couldn't reach around to give relief
I'm a fallen knight with a broken shield
I'm a lone ragged tree in an open field
I'm a desperate soul buried in grief
Hmm. I dunno about the rhyme scheme. The two middle lines are ace, really, really good, the other two are so-so. The first I don't really understand too much anyway.

We're on a sinking ship
Final seconds of our final trip
Lights go out, a scream from my lips
Electricity in the air, the lightning rips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no beacon could ever guide my way
On a sinking ship tonight

Great ending. You rhyme amazingly. Seriously. So good.




Thanks alot, criticism put like that really helps. The verses I'm still unsure about, I'm working on how to get them to fit to the music I've written. I'll re-write the first verse a bit so it flows better, upon reading it again I notice myself how it really stands out in the wrong way.

The third verse thing I'm thinking of switching around and making it fit an AABB or ABAB-rhyme scheme instead of the ABBA which came out rather weird.

Thanks once again, I'll check some of your work out.
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
#7
I really like this. The rhymes doesn't seem forced and it flows very well.

The only line I don't really like is "I'll go down as a Joker, forever grinning". I dunno why, doesn't seem to fit it the rest of the song for me.

In the choruses, I like how you went to "final minutes" to "final seconds" from the 2nd to the third one. But maybe in the first one change it to something like "Final hour" or something like that so it doesn't repeat ?

Great piece nonetheless.

Could you take a look at mine plz ?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=12981121#post12981121

Thanks.
#8
Quote by UVER
I really like this. The rhymes doesn't seem forced and it flows very well.

The only line I don't really like is "I'll go down as a Joker, forever grinning". I dunno why, doesn't seem to fit it the rest of the song for me.

In the choruses, I like how you went to "final minutes" to "final seconds" from the 2nd to the third one. But maybe in the first one change it to something like "Final hour" or something like that so it doesn't repeat ?

Great piece nonetheless.

Could you take a look at mine plz ?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=12981121#post12981121

Thanks.


Yeah, I've changed to "Final hour" now in the revised version, so it'll change for all choruses. Thanks for the review, I'll check yours right away.
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
#9
Looks good to me, I enjoyed reading it, although it seems to have a bit of a jaunty, merry rhythm and rhyme for the subject and content.

Tied to the the back of the steering wheel
Arms can't reach around to stop it's spinning
We lost our way in a coffin of steel
All planned out since the very beginning

Coffin of steel is great. Nothing more needs be said, really, except that the last two lines dont make much sense (you wouldn't plan to get lost).

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Flashing lights, I've lost my grip
On the edge of life, I managed to slip
Sea is torn by the raging thunder
Violent currents dragging us under
On a sinking ship tonight

I think throwing in some pronouns could improve this chorus/stanza, but it works fine as it is. Good imagery.

Stuck in a vague dream that never felt real
Yet all this time I thought we were winning
But we lost the game and it changed how I feel
I'll go down like a joker, forever grinning

I really enjoyed this, especially the last line. Can't suggest any improvement.

We're on a sinking ship
Final minutes of our final trip
Deafening alarm, I'm losing my grip
Knuckles white and pain in my fingertips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no flash could ever light my way
On a sinking ship tonight

The fourth line seems a little clumbsy and rushed, it just doesn't work for me. I think 'white and pain' has to be said too fast to keep in beat, and 'pain in my fingertips' is increadably underwhelming and seems like a lousy excuse to try and rhyme. Same sort of thing with the next two lines.

My arms couldn't reach around to give relief
I'm a fallen knight with a broken shield
I'm a lone ragged tree in an open field
I'm a desperate soul buried in grief

The rhyming pattern breaks up here- I suggest swapping the first and second lines. It would still make sense and would fit the rhyming pattern.
Otherwise, lovely imagery.


We're on a sinking ship
Final seconds of our final trip
Lights go out, a scream from my lips
Electricity in the air, the lightning rips
The darkest night now bright as day
But no beacon could ever guide my way
On a sinking ship tonight

Again, the thirds to fith line are poor- 'a scream from my lips' just doesn't have a present or future verb, which it needs to make sense and fit in, 'lightning rips' nothing specific, I would prefer for there to be something it was ripping, e.g. the air. Line five is just a bit cliche.

So, overall a excellant piece with lots of nice imagery, a decent story and reletively good and constant structure, just a few grammatical and structural errors.
Very good read though.
#10
Thanks Miles for the criticism. I've taken everything you people have said into consideration and I'm working on a completely revised version of the song.

Thanks a whole bunch!
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"