#1
i just want feedback thats all thanks.

I like to think of it more as a poem really, but it doesnt have an peotic structure thats the only problem, well, not that im particulary bothered.

here it goes

'This child, I will always be.
No more, No less, in the face of death.

Eternally mourned in the fields of silence,
Which do not exsist.

This child, I will be.
Always.

Draw back the dark curtain, and
I wonder.'



Its kinda based around a personal experiences and my own thoughts.. so if it doesnt make much (or any) sence, then that'll most probably be why.
“I feel the same way about disco, as I do about herpes” - Hunter S. Thompson
Last edited by Nightwatchman10 at Feb 23, 2008,
#3
Quote by Bleed Away
Inappropriate title.


well thanks for that.

if you're meaning to tell me ive posted this in the wrong forum, then please, next time can you just tell me ive posted in the wrong forum and ill delete it and make it elsewhere.

if you're just saying 'Inappropriate title' for the hell of it, then I'd say you really need to get away from your computer and do something better with your time.
“I feel the same way about disco, as I do about herpes” - Hunter S. Thompson
#5
fair enough.
it doesnt even have a name yet anyway because I havnt ever thought about naming it.
i'll just call it untitled now

<< there we go
“I feel the same way about disco, as I do about herpes” - Hunter S. Thompson
#6
Quote by Nightwatchman10


'This child, I will always be.
No more, No less, in the face of death.
might start a new line after "no less"

Eternally mourned in the fields of silence,
Which do not exsist.
this is my favorite part. continues the flow nicely

This child, I will be.
Always.
like the subtle change from the first line

Draw back the dark curtain, and
I wonder.'

kind of obscure, dont really get this line.

I

Overall its not bad. Not great but not bad. Seems to have an effortless flow, but is a little too obscure to really get it.


Look at mine maybe?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=795263
#7
okay, thanks.

not being rude, but care to elaborate on what specifically came across as effortless?
“I feel the same way about disco, as I do about herpes” - Hunter S. Thompson
#9
Quote by slidething31
I meant that in a good way. What i meant was that i flows naturally, and nothing seems forced.


oh hahaha yeah.

Sorry I completely misunderstood your comment.
Well thank you.

And i'll be sure to have a look at your as well
“I feel the same way about disco, as I do about herpes” - Hunter S. Thompson