#1
i don't get you
girl with the blue shoes
whos always in a bad mood
pulling up a screw face
putting me in a mood
making me feel blue
well **** you
i dont need you
miss all high and mighty
who apparently has to be the queen of
the before and after party
to make me feel good
i'm just gonna dig this tune
rip it up and dance it through
and once im through with this
i'll be through with you
so go f uck off
and dont ever talk to me
cos right now
just looking at you
makes me wanna spray f uckin bullets
right across this room
knockin every one out
apart from the dj
cos mate
this dj
im still digging his tunes
and he knows its true
cos if he dosent
i'll be spraying some of these
bullets
right through you
and then i'll go find your mum
and put some through her
cos ive had of enough of this s hit
and you know its true
cos all i ever hear about is
you you you

you know ive got problems
but i dont whine
like you do
cos im not an attention seeker
like you are
so im just gonna have to go
all east london on you and
just break your arm
tie you up
and then steal your car
light it up
whilst your inside
and then i'll phone up the rock
and tell him whats really cookin'

and the police will never find me
i'll be way too far
out of their vicinity
cos in reality
they never even visit the city
apparently their way too busy
looking at
internet porn
and wanking with mr lefty
because mr righty is never there
and you f uckin know it..
#5
Parts made me cringe e.g "i'm still digging this dj" and "all east london on you".

Don't get me wrong, I'm from London, it's a great place, but leave the ghetto stuff to people who live in the ghetto, not financially secure lads from financially stable countries. Threatening to spray bullets through your girlfriends mum doesn't suit you unless you're girlfriends mum is a crack dealer. Do you even own a gun?

You come across as desperately wanting to be a cool violent person and it kinda makes me embaressed for you.

EDIT:

To help, I would suggest making this more real. I don't think you're really going to shoot everyone in the room. Why don't you rap about something that you are going to do, maybe you're going to smash a bottle over someones face, at least that seems potentially believable to the reader.

I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just giving my opinions.
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 24, 2008,
#6
you ignorant c unt... i can do what i like, and no i'm not writing this so fags like you can find me cool... and if cockney rappers dont work then how comes things like garage and grime sell big.

leave rap for the financially insecure? do you even know me? do you even know how i live? by the sounds of it you have two parents who spoil you to bits. i wish i had that.. but no, i was born in this **** hole of a life.. you stupid c unt.

and no i don't own a gun... but if i did, you'd be the first one i'd shoot.. you stupid p rick
Last edited by 12eTa1217e17 at Feb 24, 2008,
#8
He's from the Netherlands. His American what? It's "you're". This forum is privately owned and based in Russia. Shove your freedom of speech up whichever orifice it fits.


Man, you are definitely east London to the max, mate!


I gather that I win.
#9
you call me immature? i believe the guy i was replying back to was more immature than me...


but anyway i just want people to comment on my lyrics, and not about me personally..
#10
Then quit being a dick when they do post comments about your lyrics. Skag made valid points about it all... sure you had some good lines, but you basically wrote the same immature bullshit that every other rapper has been rapping for forever... and it honestly sounds like a really bad joke. Grow a pair and take some criticism.
#11
Quote by 12eTa1217e17
you ignorant c unt... i can do what i like, and no i'm not writing this so fags like you can find me cool... and if cockney rappers dont work then how comes things like garage and grime sell big.

leave rap for the financially insecure? do you even know me? do you even know how i live? by the sounds of it you have two parents who spoil you to bits. i wish i had that.. but no, i was born in this **** hole of a life.. you stupid c unt.

and no i don't own a gun... but if i did, you'd be the first one i'd shoot.. you stupid p rick


I didn't say leave rap for the financially insecure. That would be stupid. I said leave the ghetto stuff to the financially insecure (as in, the people that live in the ghetto). Pretending that you have a gun and are going to shoot people isn't nearly as effective lyrically as writing something real that "east londoners" can connect with. If you want to write about violence, I would recommend writing about real violence that you have actually experienced, not cliched shit about wanting to shoot everyone.

Sure, this is a place to get your writing crit, not yourself, but in putting yourself into the writing the two are merged together and I will do my best to help you with the information I have.

I'm not trying to offend you, I'm trying to help you, and if you can't accept that then you can fuck off yourself. Want to be a big gangster? Learn to treat people with respect.
#12
no i'm not trying to be a big gangster... how gay does that sound. but i will take your criticism on board, but that dosent neccesarily mean i agree with it.. because to me it sounds like your trying to be preachy, and your giving the impression that you are bigger than me, and that i am a less significant person than you are. i dont need that..
#13
I wasn't until you started getting personal.

I was being sarcastic with the gangster comment, also.

If I sound patronizing, I apologise, but I'm just trying to get my point across, that I didn't like this writing because it just sounded way over-the-top and seemed to have no realism or personal connection whatsoever.
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 24, 2008,
#14
Quote by 12eTa1217e17
you ignorant c unt... i can do what i like, and no i'm not writing this so fags like you can find me cool... and if cockney rappers dont work then how comes things like garage and grime sell big.

leave rap for the financially insecure? do you even know me? do you even know how i live? by the sounds of it you have two parents who spoil you to bits. i wish i had that.. but no, i was born in this **** hole of a life.. you stupid c unt.

and no i don't own a gun... but if i did, you'd be the first one i'd shoot.. you stupid p rick


dude you're not creative. thats the bottom line. regardless of all that ^ bullsh.it you just can't write rhymes. thats all there is to it. no need to take offense, keep practicing
#15
thanks for the encouragement. have you got a link for your rhymes.. i'll go and personally see if they are any better.
#16
Ehh, i can't really get into it sorry. Its cool, but i'm not much for that style i guess. Good work anyway.

^
He's laughing at YOU.
You better click that bastard.



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