#1
Redone version is a couple of posts down please refer to that one


I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t wake up alone
Cuz I’ll be there to drive you home

I’m just the friend in the pack
Waiting and planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before you’re eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t be alone
I’m still there to drive you home

That was my dream, the night we first kissed
But you looked right through me do I not exist?
Now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

So go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you’ll wake up alone
Cuz I won’t be their tomorrow
Last edited by Redsx158 at Feb 24, 2008,
#2
i liked it, the rhyming seemed a little off but thats probably cause i didn't have the rhythm quite right
#5
Not the kind of genre/subject I'm particullarly keen on, but I'll give it a try :

I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe

'That face' is good and specific (better than 'the face' or 'a face' etc) and sets up the piece as personal. I like the use of 'heart on my sleeve', and 'in our future' has a bit of an eerie delusional stalker feel.

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t wake up alone
Cuz I’ll be there to drive you home

I'd get rid of 'cuz' and leave a one beat pause after alone- emphasises the 'I'll'. I'm not sure if I like the rhmying in the first two lines or not (tonight/night/right), so I won't comment on it. I think the third line could do with an extra beat or syllable.

I’m just the friend in the pack
Waiting and planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before you’re eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe

'Pack's a little too agressive for a group fo friends, something like flock maybe (although that wold make rhyming a challenge). Otherwise not much to comment on, a pretty good verse.

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t be alone
I’m still there to drive you home

That was my dream, the night we first kissed
But you looked right through me do I not exist?
Now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

Second line needs more punctuation (',' or '-' after 'me'). Love the second half of it.

So go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you’ll wake up alone
Cuz I won’t be their tomorrow

Overall a good piece, needs a few grammatical touches but otherwise is fine.
#6
Isn't it:
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before your eyes

I really liked it specially the chorus
#7
Quote by Redsx158
I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe
Nice opening. I usually dislike when people rhyme but yours flows well, it doesn't seem forced at all.

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t wake up alone
Cuz I’ll be there to drive you home
Good chorus. The last two lines are good IMO.

I’m just the friend in the pack
Waiting and planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before you’re eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe
This verse is good too. But "pack", I don't know if it fits well here. With the second line it makes me think of a wolf.

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t be alone
I’m still there to drive you home

That was my dream, the night we first kissed
But you looked right through me do I not exist?
Now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

So go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you’ll wake up alone
Cuz I won’t be their tomorrow
Really like how the two last line are different from the previous choruses. Nice ending.


Overall a good piece. A lot of people could relate to it. Keep up the good work.
#8
Yea thanks for the gramatical error. Grammer isn't exactly my forte.

As for the word changes I'll definetely think about that. I like the idea of the extra beat maybe a beat of silence just for effect. Maybe in our future is a bit stalkerish but I couldn't think of anything else. Will give it some thought though.

Redone with gramatical changes, a changed second chorus line, musical dynamics, and an extended Bridge! ! !-

I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

(4 measures of clean and then a distorted chrous)

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And hook up with Mr. Right
But you won’t wake up alone
(2 beats of chord change) I’ll be there to drive you home

I’m just the friend in the pack
Waiting, planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before your eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

(4 measures of clean and then a distorted chrous)

But you’ll go get f*cked up again
And leave behind your one true friend
But once again you won’t be alone
(2 beats of chord change) I'm still there to drive you home

That was my dream, that night we first kissed
But you just looked right through me, do I not exist?
I thought I was clear, I thought you would have known
Picking you up off the ground and driving you home
But I guess you are thicker than I ever had guessed
Cuz you left me lonely, angry, depressed
And now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

(Guitar solo quickly ending in an aggressive two measure snare sixteenth note cresendo and cutting into the chrous)

So go get f*cked up tonight
And hook up with Mr. Right
This time you'll wake up alone
(Two beats of chord changes) Cause I won’t be there tomorrow
Last edited by Redsx158 at Feb 24, 2008,
#9
thanks for your crit on mine...
i actually tried to crit this a couple nights ago and my computer froze when i clicked 'post'
i liked it then... and i love it now great work

im just the friend in the pack
Waiting, planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before your eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

thats my favorite...

good solid chorus...
this should be a great song...

good job man
#10
the song is wonderful i loved the way it flowed all together and the way you captured the feelings of the shy guy in love with a girl (i can relate a lot) the only thing i would change is the very last line. i think it would sound a lot better if you put :"I wont be there to drive you home"

c4c please
#12
So here's the most likely finished version with and extended chorus and a new name. It's now called....

"I won't be here tomorrow"

I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

(4 measures of clean and then a distorted chrous)

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And hook up with Mr. Right
But he doesn't really care
Only loves those clothes you wear
He's just looking for a throw
Middle of the night he'll go
But you won’t wake up alone
(2 beats of chord change) I’ll be there to drive you home

I’m just the friend in the pack
Waiting, planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before your eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

(4 measures of clean and then a distorted chrous)

But you’ll go get f*cked up again
And leave behind your one true friend
Whatever it is you want to hear
He'll whisper in your ear
He's just looking for a throw
Middle of the night he'll go
But once again you won’t be alone
(2 beats of chord change) I'm still there to drive you home

That was my dream, that night we first kissed
But you just looked right through me, do I not exist?
I thought I was clear, I thought you would have known
Picking you up off the ground and driving you home
But I guess you are thicker than I ever had guessed
Cuz you left me lonely, angry, depressed
And now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

(Guitar solo quickly ending in an aggressive two measure snare sixteenth note cresendo and cutting into the chrous)

So go get f*cked up tonight
And hook up with Mr. Right
But he'll leave you just like me
Our faces you'll never again see
You'll realize what you missed
By pretending I didn't exist
Cause this time you'll wake up alone
(Two beats of chord changes) Cause I won’t be here tomorrow
#13
I really like the finished idea.
...
Can I use it?
Jokes.

But seriously, I REALLY like it.

It works really well.
I think the chorus would do well to get more aggressive as the song progresses, 'til the final chorus is screamed.
That would just convey the emotion going through it really well, IMO.

Just an idea.
Gore AND Core; unite!
#15
Wow. I really liked this. Just thought I'd ask how do you play this? Punk, Screamo... Personally I think it would sound good as a slow to mid tepmo acoustic, but hey thats just me. Its a great song well written and flows really well. Congradulations man.
#17
Short opinion:

Much better than your political piece. Technically, in pretty much every writing aspect, this was not good. Cliches all over the place, poor rhymes, punctuation was a nightmare...

All that said, I liked it. Mid-way through, I didn't want too, becuase it is so cliche and overdone and poorly punctuated... but I liked it. Your message was wonderful and relatable. I was gonna do a full-crit, but I realized I'm just looking to much into it as far as writing and not looking at it for what it is. So I decided to stop and just say this. It was good work, it won't win any prizes... especially for writing styles and techniques... but it was good.

-zC

I think you still owe me for the last one...I don't remember. If you don't, don't worry about it. If you do, could you bump either Sunburnt Penguins or Siamese Christmas Trees in sig.
#19
Quote by Redsx158
Redone version is a couple of posts down please refer to that one


I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t wake up alone
Cuz I’ll be there to drive you home

I’m just the friend in the pack
Waiting and planning his attack
But you still don’t realize
What’s right before you’re eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you won’t be alone
I’m still there to drive you home

That was my dream, the night we first kissed
But you looked right through me do I not exist?
Now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

So go get f*cked up tonight
And spend you night with Mr. Right
But you’ll wake up alone
Cuz I won’t be their tomorrow


this is really good. i like the personal heart on your sleeve inner sould feel to it
you just witnessed the heart-stopping, door-locking, history makin, pants-droppin, earth-shakin, body quakin, lip-quivering, body-tickilin, love-makin fang
#20
i like the first one better than the second
you just witnessed the heart-stopping, door-locking, history makin, pants-droppin, earth-shakin, body quakin, lip-quivering, body-tickilin, love-makin fang
#21
Pretty good. I can imagine it sounding like a Sick Puppies song, or something like that. I loved the chorus and the ending verse was great. Keep up the good work.
Gear
Schecter C-1 Artist
Vox AD15VT
Epiphone EJ-200 Acoustic
#22
Thanks to some help from an unnamed source the second verse now has a new beginning

"I won't be here tomorrow"

I’m just that face in the crowd
Silently screaming out loud
Trying to find the right words to say
But you keep on turning away
So, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
And In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

(4 measures of clean and then a distorted chrous)

But you’ll go get f*cked up tonight
And hook up with Mr. Right
But he doesn't really care
Only loves those clothes you wear
He's just looking for a throw
Middle of the night he'll go
But you won’t wake up alone
(2 beats of chord change) I’ll be there to drive you home

I’m just the friend in the clique
This waitings making me sick
Cuz you still don’t realize
What’s right before your eyes
But I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve
In our future I’ll believe
And I'll pray you'll love me too
(2 beats of chord change) The way that I love you

(4 measures of clean and then a distorted chrous)

But you’ll go get f*cked up again
And leave behind your one true friend
Whatever it is you want to hear
He'll whisper in your ear
He's just looking for a throw
Middle of the night he'll go
But once again you won’t be alone
(2 beats of chord change) I'm still there to drive you home

That was my dream, that night we first kissed
But you just looked right through me, do I not exist?
I thought I was clear, I thought you would have known
Picking you up off the ground and driving you home
But I guess you are thicker than I ever had guessed
Cuz you left me lonely, angry, depressed
And now it’s over that fire has gone out
I’ll leave you this letter then you’ll figure it out

(Guitar solo quickly ending in an aggressive two measure snare sixteenth note cresendo and cutting into the chrous)

So go get f*cked up tonight
And hook up with Mr. Right
But he'll leave you just like me
Our faces you'll never again see
You'll realize what you missed
By pretending I didn't exist
Cause this time you'll wake up alone
(Two beats of chord changes) Cause I won’t be here tomorrow