#1
Into the Sunshine


There's something about this place,
I don't know what it is.
Makes me want to grow up fast;
There's gotta be more than this

Theres something about your face,
i don't know what it is.
makes me feel alive;
like theres something good in my life

i've gotta find a way
out of this place.
i probably couldnt leave if i tried,
but ill try just the same

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk,
But I will run there
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

theres something out there for me
somewhere
or so i have been told
where it is exactly, i dont know

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run,
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

(guitar solo)

(time change(slows down))--- yeah, i used parenthesis inside of parenthesis.

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it with me?

On second thought,
Hold your breath
And Ill hold mine too;
Ill hold my breath till my face turns blue

as we run into the sunshine
as fast as we possibly can.
you must think im crazy
but thats my plan.

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk,
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine
(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run,
As fast as I can.
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans.

Im gonna run into the sunshine.
catch me if you can.


yeah, its long... but it fits into about 3 and a half minutes... and most of it is repeated...
thanks for any help
edited version of my other thread
crit for crit
Last edited by TonyRandall at Mar 3, 2008,
#2
I like the first verse, great start
in the second i would say: theres something about your face (rhyme with first line

as far as the chorus goes i would cut the last line. as strange as it may seem the three line chorus if done right is very powerful.(Green Day, Good Riddance) or if you need to fill the space just repeat into the sun

if you were questioning weather or not to put the (baby?) in, I say definitely do it

great way to end the song with the two chorus' and that last line is very tasty
#3
Quote by shigidyba
I like the first verse, great start
in the second i would say: theres something about your face (rhyme with first line

you sir are a genius!
thanks alot...
lol, i never would have thought of that.
Last edited by TonyRandall at Feb 24, 2008,
#4
Quote by TonyRandall
Into the Sunshine

There's something about this place,
I don't know what it is.
Makes me want to grow up fast;
There's gotta be more than this

this is an average opening. could be much better, remember openings are important, in most cases they determine whether the reader will continue reading or just be put off.

Theres something about your face,
i don't know what it is.
makes me feel like im alive;
like theres something good in my life

I would change it to "makes me feel alive, like theres something good in life" instead, i think it flows better.

This summer was great,
don't get me wrong.
but I've gotta be on my way

the last line could be worded different to flow better imo, but if it works just leave it like that

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk,
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

I'd change the third line to "run to the sun", makes more sense. Other than that, this is a solid chorus.


Theres somewhere else I've got to be,
far away from here;
i wont be gone very long,
please don't shed a tear.

Meh, kinda cliche.

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run,
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

the last 2 lines seem out of place, maybe try something different there?


If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it with me?

this 2 verses are the best of this whole piece, good job.

On second thought,
Hold your breath
And Ill hold mine too;
Ill hold my breath till my face turns blue

Haha, the last line made me go "lol wut?", it doesnt make much sense, I would use something different there.

as we run into the sunshine
as fast as we possibly can.
you must think im crazy
but (baby?) thats my plan.

I definatly wouldnt use baby in the last line, I would actually get rid of this verse, or atleast word it different and/or give it a little twist, it seems like youre just repeating yourself, but once again it could work.

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk,
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine
(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run,
As fast as I can.
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans.

Im gonna run into the sunshine.
catch me if you can.

nice ending, it adds a nice twist.



yeah, its long... but it fits into about 3 and a half minutes... and most of it is repeated...
thanks for any help
edited version of my other thread
crit for crit


Overall, its not something i would write but i could definately see it in a song. But im not gonna lie, I think it needs some work, but it shows potential for a great song.

#5
I would switch the last to lines of the chorus a round just so it rhymes. I think it would sound better like that. Either that or leave a break between the third line of the chorus and the last line. Hold out the word sun for a while then go onto into the sunshine is what I'm trying to say. Overall it shows potential.

Please crit my songs "I won't be there tomorrow" and "President of War"
#6
bump..
i just changed a few things...
i think its getting close to being finished

a few more suggestions would be appreciated.
thanks
c4c
#7
correct me if im wrong, but it seems to me like you were aiming for a "Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band" kind of layout. Like when you slowed down, and said

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

It reminded me of

What would you do
If I sang out of tune
would you get up
and walk out on me?

But that's just me lol

Also the "catch me if you can" is a great way to end the song.

Good job man Good job

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#8
TonyRandall, how goes it fine man?

I enjoyed this piece. I will admit it does need some work, but there are also some very good ideas and very good lines in there. I particularly liked the lines:

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it with me?

I thought they were poignant questions and by posting them as questions you made the song much more personal, as if you were speaking to whomever you have written this for. The first verse's idea is great, but I don't believe the diction is quite there. Everybody has wanted to leave their town at some point or another, and I don't feel as though you have said anything that somebody else has not said before. Don't get me wrong, I think it is a very solid opening, but I just think it lacks the sort of flash or intrigue that could make a borderline reader become a great fan of this song. Possibly say something about how you could see the reflection of the sun in something, such as the girl's eyes or a lake or even a bottle of liquor, and that is what made you want to leave. Or that could be a completely lame beginning, I'm not sure because I myself am completely lame. Other than that, I think your choruses (logically, shouldn't it be chorii?) are pretty fantastic. I wouldn't change a thing with them because I feel that they accomplish everything a chorus is supposed to. I think the middle chunk of this song really carries its weight with these choruses and the second verse. By far the most enjoyable part for me. That is why I stress the importance of a better beginning because some readers may not get to these gems. I see no other big problems, but I am not crazy about the hold my breath till my face turns blue, it seems a bit corny or forced to me, but then again it will all depend on the music and how you sing it. I will definitely keep checking back on this one to see the changes you make. Good job and keep writing. If you get time I'd appreciate your thoughts on any of the top 3 songs in my sig. Cheers!
#10
thank you all...
crits returned

@ bmac, you crit was great. thank you.
in return i gave you my crits on all three.

and to tatorbits:
lol, ive never heard of that band...
but it does appear that those lines are ripped off a bit from that song though. hmmm.
#11
There's something about this place,
I don't know what it is.
Makes me want to grow up fast;
There's gotta be more than this

Theres something about your face,
i don't know what it is.
makes me feel alive;
like theres something good in my life


this is the style that you should aim for all the time, its the best part about the piece. you start going into unclever rhymes and kind of cliche subjects and descriptions after these two stanzas. i would base your style off that quick, choppy sentence structure of the first two stanzas, it works well for you

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=806331
#12
Quote by TonyRandall

There's something about this place,
I don't know what it is.
Makes me want to grow up fast;
There's gotta be more than this

Theres something about your face,
i don't know what it is.
makes me feel alive;
like theres something good in my life

I liked these two stanzas, maybe change the last line "like theres something good in my life" so it rhymes with the others though? it sorta screws up the flow of the song if you have ABCB rhyme in the first but switch it to ABDD in the second.

i've gotta find a way
out of this place.
i probably couldnt leave if i tried,
but ill try just the same

this one seems a bit cliche to me, and it doesn't have a noticeable flow (at least not just by reading it). the third line seems too long. not as good as the first two stanzas.


(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk,
But I will run there
Into the sun
Into the sunshine

short chorus, but it could work well if it fits in the song

theres something out there for me
somewhere
or so i have been told
where it is exactly, i dont know

again, not very flowing, and it has the ABDD rhyme pattern again. just by reading it, it seems jerky and not smooth, especially with the short second line in there.

(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run,
As fast as I can
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans

I like this alot, maybe change the last line a little bit so it fits better in rhythm with the others.

(guitar solo)

(time change(slows down))--- yeah, i used parenthesis inside of parenthesis.

If this was my last song
Would you sing along?
If this was my last day
Would you spend it with me?

If I had just one last dollar
What could I buy you?
If I had one more breath
Would you breathe it with me?

I love these two stanzas, they pretty much say what the entire song is about by themselves. they flow together well too (yea I'm obsessed with rhythm )

On second thought,
Hold your breath
And Ill hold mine too;
Ill hold my breath till my face turns blue

as we run into the sunshine
as fast as we possibly can.
you must think im crazy
but thats my plan.

these two are great too, except for the last line "but that's my plan" maybe add another syllable in there somehow. it seems two short, like it was added as filler.

(chorus1)
Oh I wont walk,
But I will run
Into the sun
Into the sunshine
(chorus2)
Into the sun I will run,
As fast as I can.
Dance with me across the stars
Unless you have other plans.

Im gonna run into the sunshine.
catch me if you can.

great way to finish "catch me if you can"


yeah, its long... but it fits into about 3 and a half minutes... and most of it is repeated...
thanks for any help
edited version of my other thread
crit for crit


overall I liked it, although it could definitely be worked on some more. 8-9/10

thanks for the crit on mine too BTW
#13
hey thanks man, i didnt expect such a good crit... thanks alot.
i didnt really have much to say about yours...
i really liked it alot.
#14
meh, it's a saturday and I have nothing else to do. could you maybe crit my new recording I just posted? if not that's fine. it's a cover of Jon Foreman's "Learning How To Die"