#1
Not me at my best, writing-wise, but I hope some of you might find this funny and/or enjoy it.

"One Way of Looking at It"

"I went to an Ivy League School,"
Is what I'll say
In ten years
In an interview
For a job
I don't want,
And I'll think
About tonight
Walking down the hall
To piss
Leaving behind
Egyptian mortuary rites
And being careful
Not to step
On the spot
of the tile
Where last night
I scraped the bottom
of the barrel,
hacking and gagging
Through my nose
and feeling ashamed,
but not for drinking
too much
but for talking
so much
about myself.
#2
Hey this is my first time critting one of your poems, i think.

Anyway i liked this, it's funny. It's hard to explain but when i read it, it felt random but i guess it was the last line that made it all relevent. I like the way you purposely didn't use any full-stops till the end. "To piss Leaving behind" Maybe you should have used a semi-colon?

That's about alls i could crit, i enjoyed this

PS: Can you crit mine called 'Alex' if you've the time
#3
Nice one ! I really like how each thing you speak about is on one line. It made me really read everything instead of if it was on a same line (i don't know if you see what I mean o_O).

And nice ending with "about myself'. Life Bleed Away said, it made it more revelent.

If you have some time, could you take a look at my work plz ?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=795683

Thanks.
#4
I don't think the line breaks do this too much justice really. Especially in the first half. It reads too choppy when I think given the context it should flow in the way that drunken thoughts do - all kind of merged into one, which is how the language works, but the breaks just ruin it for me. I'd at least have a six or seven word-a-line thing going on. I'd also advise keeping "For a Job/I don't want" on the same line, or the flow of the sentence jumps off.

I'd lose the "but" in line 23 as well, it's not necessary.

"Egyptian mortuary rites" felt out of place, maybe that's just me. I'm sure someone more familiar with egyptian mortuary rites wouldn't feel the same way.

I enjoyed reading this, despite what I've said. They are really just small picky things, this was a fun piece (as I predicted it would be from your comment) and it's inspired me to go and find some of your other stuff