#1
“Get out!
Can’t you see I’m right in the middle of something?”
“Oh”
The sweat, the smell, the stains.
He’s definitely scarred.

He fumbles for words
mumbling something about going out.
“Don’t lie!”

TV’s turned on.
He watches it from the edge
hoping to get more than just a glimpse
of Jude Law’s urethra.

“Oh dear God, my life is so hard!”
His own voices grates on in his own brain
while he thinks things over for the last time…

BANG!

“Shit, I missed.”

BANG!

“Sorry mum. You never looked that good behind
glass anyway. I’ll find a better frame.
I'll mend the hole where your noes goes” –

CRASH!

Now he’s dropped his girlfriend’s
wine glass.
“I’ll clean it up.”
“No, don’t worry.”
Clothes fly off, but she’s lost the condoms.

TV’s turned on.
Jude Law returns,
today he’s a turn-off.
Sexuality is subjective and he doesn’t mind.

Now he lives in
New York, New York
and maintains sporadic sex
with that girl, she sells him chopsuei,
lost in some part of central park.
He was never really a proper Jew anyway.

He inhabits a flat,
Hell’s Kitchen,
he has nothing to cook with.
A sticky fly touches his
sweat-matted leg as she tries
to flood his lung’s with her tongue’s
saliva.

He lost his gun quite a while ago and his mum’s underground.

Wondering why his life is so
God-awful
he wonders why he wonders.
They fight.
“You think you’re a God!”
“Well I have to model myself on someone.”
“Oh, stop it, Hannah and her sisters was a much better film.”
SEX.
HIV.
He wonders why.
AIDS.

He finally found his gun,
but Death hid the bullets.
Last edited by confusius at Jun 18, 2008,
#2
“You think you’re a God!”
“Well I have to model myself on someone.”


loved that.

Another solid piece, I much prefer your stuff nowadays.

EDIT: I'll come back and crit this if I can find some time.
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 24, 2008,
#3


That was weird. But great.
Quote by Ichikurosaki
sloth is hacking away feebly at the grass because he is a sloth but he was trying so hard ;_; hes all "penguin im HERE i am here to help you penguin"
#5

Not gonna bother with an in depth jerkoff with this, just a small one I love it




love is a dog from hell.



#7


It was originally a line I wanted to use in the piece but I couldn't put it anywhere. So I decided I'd give it some recognition.
#8
Horrible horrible headache. I'm sorry if something sounds harsh. You asked for it and at the same time I don't mean it like that, it's because of the headache. (I want to get this done quickly)

Quote by confusius

“Get out!
Can’t you see I’m
right in the middle of something?”
What's with the linebreak here. It's pointless and disrupts the flow.
“Oh”
The sweat, the smell, the stains.
He’s definitely scarred.
The last line was a bit too much for me. I kinda got the point from the second line.

He fumbles for words
mumbling something about going out.
“Don’t lie!”
fumble - mumble. get rid of the fumble. it's such an ugly word and the fact that you follow it with 'mumbling' doesn't help either.

TV’s turned on.
He watches it from the edge
hoping to get more than just a glimpse
of Jude Law’s urethra.
I got a problem with the first line here. It's way better when you say 'the tv'. Second sentence was weird. You kinda grabbed my attention here, for the first time in a while. Don't lose me now.

“Oh dear God, my life is so hard!”
His own voices grates on in his own brain
While he thinks things over for the last time…

BANG!

“Shit, I missed.”

BANG!

“Sorry mum. You never looked that good behind
Glass anyway. I’ll find a better frame.” –

why did you capitalise Glass? You don't have a capital at the beginning of every line, so there's no need to do it here. Be consequent. Put capitals everywhere or only when necessary, but don't mix it up. It's confusing to the reader. If the capital on Glass has some special meaning, I think it's lame because there's no way I could get that.

CRASH!
bah.

Now he’s dropped his girlfriend’s
wine glass.
“I’ll clean it up.”
“No, don’t worry.”
Clothes fly off, but she’s lost the condoms.
The transition was a bit weird here. In my experience, you dont have sex immediately after you dropped something; that's not how it is IRL.

TV’s turned on.
Jude Law returns,
today he’s a turn-off.
Sexuality is subjective and he doesn’t mind.
That first line is bad, seroiusly, it annoys the hell out of me. I don't see a link between all this. Who's watching tv? You don't give your reader anything (i know i'm one to talk but you wanted me to be harsh); where is jude law coming from? i'm guessing this is from some movie. The last line is meh. I don't know, I don't want to get personal here but I find it a bit weird to see you talking about sex(uality). I'm sorry. I guess it's alright.

Now he lives in
New York, New York
and maintains sporadic sex
with that girl, she sells him fried pork,
lost in some part of central park.
He was never really a proper Jew anyway.
The rhyme York - pork is the lamest thing i've read in the whole piece. Get rid of the pork and rhyme with park, it'll be less obvious and better. The 'really' in the last line annoyed me too. TOO. MUCH. WORDS. KTHX. I don't see why you repeated new york, new york. it's a scorsese movie, i know that. i didn't see it. wait, it's also a cover done by sinatra, no? and it's also the city NY in the state of NY. So many possibilities, yet none of them really make sense to me and it feels like just something artsy thrown in to a) be artsy b) make it rhyme with the horrible pork

He inhabits a flat,
Hell’s Kitchen,
he has nothing to cook with.
A sticky fly touches his
Sweat-matted leg as she tries
to flood his lung’s with her tongue’s
saliva.
hell's kitchen. did you just refer to the absolutely hilarious tv show? meh, i hated the reference. I don't like 'inhabits'. It's so businesslike. Use 'lives in'. Here, again, problems with capitals. Why is 'he' uncapitalised and why is 'sweat-..' capitalised. Don't confuse your reader.

He lost his gun quite a while ago and his mum’s underground.

don't abbreviate the 'is'.

Wondering why his life is so
God-awful
he wonders why he wonders.
:\
They fight.
There are better ways to announce a fight.
“You think you’re a God!”
“Well I have to model myself on someone.”
“Oh, stop it, Hannah and her sisters was a much better film.”
SEX.
HIV.
He wonders why.
AIDS.
Pff. I'm sorry Kyrl, where did the STD stuff come from now? Unprotected sex earlier in the piece? Makes sense and doesn't make sense at the same time. The two god/model lines were good.

He finally found his gun,
but Death hid the bullets.
I really disliked this ending.


I didn't like this. It was probably your best in a while but I didn't like it. Why? You try to tell a story but a lot of stuff doesn't make sense and/or feels disconnected from eachother. Your transitions aren't clear and that's what made me dislike it.
You know, I get people on my pieces telling me that stuff isn't clear. I'm okay with that. Why? I'm not trying to tell a story; I'm trying to make a statement. If you really want to tell a story like you here, you have to make sure your reader can follow along, which, in my case, I couldn't.

I might get back to this. I'm having a horrible headache atm.


I got a new piece up, please give it a read (excerpts from..)
#9
Alright man, you know I like this, I'll just try point out some things.

“Get out!
Can’t you see I’m no point in line break, in my opinion. adds nothing.
right in the middle of something?”
“Oh”
The sweat, the smell, the stains.
He’s definitely scarred.
Love this stanza. As I said earlier to you, this style is where you wanna go with. Don't tell too much, don't describe too much, just write naturally.

He fumbles for words
mumbling something about going out.
“Don’t lie!”

TV’s turned on.
He watches it from the edge
hoping to get more than just a glimpse
of Jude Law’s urethra.

“Oh dear God, my life is so hard!” nice reference to his erect penis.
His own voices grates on in his own brain perfection.
While he thinks things over for the last time…

BANG! get rid of the capitals. i know what they're there for, but it looks silly. Just write 'Bang!'. Would be just as effective.

“Shit, I missed.”

BANG! [see before]

“Sorry mum. You never looked that good behind
Glass anyway. I’ll find a better frame.” –

CRASH! [see before]

Now he’s dropped his girlfriend’s
wine glass.
“I’ll clean it up.”
“No, don’t worry.”
Clothes fly off, but she’s lost the condoms.

TV’s turned on.
Jude Law returns,
today he’s a turn-off.
Sexuality is subjective and he doesn’t mind.

Now he lives in
New York, New York
and maintains sporadic sex
with that girl, she sells him fried pork,
lost in some part of central park.
He was never really a proper Jew anyway.

He inhabits a flat,
Hell’s Kitchen,
he has nothing to cook with.
A sticky fly touches his
Sweat-matted leg as she tries
to flood his lung’s with her tongue’s
saliva.

He lost his gun quite a while ago and his mum’s underground.

Wondering why his life is so
God-awful
he wonders why he wonders. i've written similar lines before. i dig this.
They fight.
“You think you’re a God!”
“Well I have to model myself on someone.”
“Oh, stop it, Hannah and her sisters was a much better film.”
SEX.
HIV.
He wonders why.
AIDS.

He finally found his gun,
but Death hid the bullets.

nothing to say about the last few stanzas really.

Great piece.

P.S. Good title.
#11
Hey,

It's been awhile since I read any of your stuff but you have improved greatly. This seems to be a more natural writing style for you and it's so much better; the tone doesn't seem forced like it used to.

I liked the God line (clearly a popular set in this piece ) but my favourite by far was

A sticky fly touches his
Sweat-matted leg as she tries
to flood his lung’s with her tongue’s
saliva.


Though I thought you didn't mean lung's possessive, but rather lungs plural?

Also liked the Sex, HIV AIDS bit at the end.

The whole thing was a nice angry juxtaposition of the ideal and the ugly, like how sex -> HIV and how New York, New York is so glamourous but you make it sound like a cheap apartment. I liked it.

The York/pork thing was the only part that stuck out to me in a bad way...it seemed Dr. Seussish after all that buildup. And it did strike me as strange that the clothes flew off immediately after the glass broke, I felt like that part wanted a transition. Also the Hannah and her sisters bit, but I assume that's some kind of a reference that I don't understand (I never understand those).

Overall though...I really enjoyed it. You're getting good man. Haha and if you don't feel the title fits save it for another piece
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Feb 26, 2008,
#12
my brain hurts. that was the msot random **** even yet somehow i loved it. I laughed my ass off . but yes it made my brain hurt comgrats thats never happened. keep up the great work

c4c