#1
This never-ending battle sends us crossing lands undone
Yet we carry on oblivious to what we have become
We don't have all the answers, just a gun and bloody hands
And the solace for every man

So don't you try to push us down
Just gather up your dead
'Cause one day I will come around
You're messing with my ****ing head

For all the agony and pain
I will pull through and rise again

These tragic sights of heresy that I cannot conceive
Are the only way you truly can defend what you believe
My hands are on the triggers of the weapons of my mind
And the massacre of what they call mankind

I see fire, I see what were friends
Now bodies on the ground
We fought so hard for unity
And now it all comes crashing down

Because you cannot draw the line
Between what you believe and what is right

I stagger out from far behind
What frontlines I can see
The burning in my chest defines
Just what I'm gonna be

As the echoes fade away
Soon all the colours turn to grey

But not tonight
Last edited by NFXtreme at Feb 24, 2008,
#2
I enjoyed it for the most part, though I thought there were some problems with structure, grammer and tense- nothing too serious though.

This never-ending battle sends us crossing lands undone
Yet we carry on oblivious to what we have become
We don't have all the answers, just a gun and bloody hands
And the solace for every man

This is fine, I love 'lands undone' and 'just a gun and bloody hands'. Great imagery.

So don't you try to push us down
Just gather up your dead
'Cuase one day I will come around
You're messing with my ****ing head

Again, fine, apart from the typo and the 4th line. It doesn't seem to fit, and doesn't really need the expletive- it adds nothign and will only drive off some perspective audiences.

For all the agony and pain
I will pull through and rise again

Good, short, makes the point, and I like the structure of the first line.

These tragic sights of heresy that I cannot conceive
Are the only way you truly can defend what you beleive
My hands are on the trigers of the weapons of my mind
And the massacre of what they call mankind

Like the first stanza, I love this one, but I would change 'truly can' to 'can truly' (it comes a little more naturally). Great imagery again.

I see fire, I see what were friends
Now bodies on the ground
We fought so hard for unity
And now it all comes crashing down

The first line seems a little too long, and the last line should be in the past tense to correspond with the third line.

Because you cannot draw the line
Between what you beleive and what is right

I prefered the first two line interval- it rhymed, and fitted better. But this isn't too bad. 'I' before 'E' on believe .

I stagger out from far behind
What frontlines I can see
The burning in my chest defines
Just what I'm gonna be

This doesn't make much sense at all- the second line especially. I would rework it completely.


As the echoes fade away
Soon all the colours turn to grey

But not tonight

Improves again with the ending. as I said, just some small gramattical and structual errors keeping it as a good piece, and not a brilliant one.

Could you have a look at 'The Circle of the Suicides'?

Cheers.