#1
Afternoon all,

This is a follow up to my previous song ('This Cold Stone'). It's meant to be metal. I feel the title may be a little... offputting, but can't think of anything better.
As ever, crit for crit.

The Circle of the Suicides

A skeletal hand grips the oar
That rows us through the mist,
On my final journey
Into the abyss.

I am lost without a light
But my mind is at peace,
Crossing now the river Styx,
Death was my release.

Two gold coins pay for my passage
To the other shore,
Just one of many hopeless souls
Lost, for evermore.

The bone white beach is beckoning,
Drawing me away,
Into the eternal night
Where forever I will stay.

Peace!
There is no peace here
Only suffering,
Suffering and fear
This is but a choice I made,
A choice I had to make-
To spare my love this suffering
I had to take her place.

Dis!
The city of Hell
Guarded by furies,
The angels who fell
Past flaming tombs of heretics
Whilst harpies scream above
In the circle of the suicides
I search for my lost love.

Chorus
I will take her place in Hell,
Suffering for both our sins
In the Circle of the Suicides,
Relief will come with broken limbs

My sins bind me to the earth
For all eternity-
I know the past and future but
The present I can’t see.
When the end of days arrives,
And all lost souls are found
The suicides will be left behind,
Rooted to the ground

I am lost without a light,
Silent in the darkness
My skin is turning into bark,
My fingers thorny branches.

The profligates are chased by wolves
Throughout the seventh plain-
The suicides are turned to trees
And slowly go insane.

Chorus

Wingéd fiends are taunting me
But I do not care-
I made the choice to suffer here
And I will not despair.

I ignore the heretics
On whom the harpies feast
To see the future of my love
In Heaven, and at peace.

Chorus (repeats)

Final Chorus
Here forever I am trapped,
Wearing thorny bark for skin
In the Circle of the Suicides
I have saved my love from sin.

Cheers.
#2
I liked this alot. It's great because it plays out like a story and there doesn't seem to be any unneccessary lines or lines that seem forced. Keep up the good work.

Please crit my two pieces.
"I won't be there tomorrow"
and
"President of War"
#3
This is exellent; well done my friend. You're one of the few people who has pulled off 'Abyss' in their piece. You used good lines and for darn sake there wasn't anything cliche about this, and it's a suicide piece!

Well done, i'll love to read more.

Fred Temple

PS: Can you have a look at my 'Alex', it's on the first page.