#1

Eyes are touching parts of your body
unaccessible by other means -
hands are tied
tongue is tied
all balled up in anger
a coil
when I'm sober.
Drunk want to reach out
engineers toolkit
undo you and take you apart
for inspection.
Fingers running over
intricate mechanisms,
locking tight around your spine
and snapping it
for being stronger than I.
Show more care to thighs and lungs
none to the stomach or liver
strange beasts
that dwell inside.
Take you all apart and
feel
all the little pieces
all their shapes,
looking for something.
Finding nothing.




love is a dog from hell.



#3
for being stronger than I.
Finding nothing.

These two lines were horrendous, forced, predictable and lacked any impact that was needed at those moments in the piece.

"Drunk want to reach out
engineers toolkit
undo you and take you apart
for inspection.
Fingers running over
intricate mechanisms,
locking tight around your spine
and snapping it"

this was just a great section of writing.

Really good overall, but I hated those two lines.
#4
^ I agree with "for being stronger than I", but I liked the "Finding nothing" ending, it was predictable, but in a good way I thought. I love strong endings, even if they are a bit predictable.
#6
One thing: if you're gonna forget punctuation, forget it completely. You use it in some places and some places there's none. But I don't really care, your writing is amazing.
#7
I quite liked this but I don't think it's one of your best. Your descriptions are great as usual but something just didn't feel right about it.
I'd like to thank Sam for ruining the piece for me with his punctuation comment, because now I see that it's really needed (or not needed at all.) It annoyed me a bit.

That's all I have for now. I might come back.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=796673 ?
Last edited by phantom1 at Feb 25, 2008,
#8
Quote by phantom1
I'd like to thank Sam for ruining the piece for me with his punctuation comment, because now I see that it's really need (or not needed at all.) It annoyed me a bit.

hahah. Don't mention it.

we have sound,

I forgot to mention I like the closing lines. Good job.
#9
Yeah, i actually liked the end too, at least the last line that is...it kind of seemed to save the piece cause at times I wasn't sure where it was going, and to be honest, that last line was only predictable after I read it, if that makes any sense.

Some good stuff here, but I guess I just like your other stuff a little better.