#1
Needs a lot more revising; I have a lot of stuff I want to add in, cut up, or move around. But, just your general opinion would help.


FRENCH BOY, MAKE ME SMILE

I'm trying on sweaters in front of the mirror,
flinging oranges thinking of you,
boy with the wayward smile.

And I painted my nails just for you.
Seems like such a foolish thing to do.
Deciding how to make you write


Can I play guitar while you play the piano?
Squaredancing on empty streets.
And stare at the blinking streetlights.
With nothing but sugared words to eat... to eat.


It's alright to wander - alright to wonder.
And the could'ves , should'ves, ifs
Boy, y'know, they're gonna plague us.

Move your knee a little closer,
your seat a little nearer
I'll teach you how to set the plates.
And then you'll ask me out dance.


Can I play guitar while you play the piano?
Squaredancing on empty streets.
And stare at the blinking streetlights.
With nothing but sugared words to eat... to eat.


I'll lend you my bracelet - spell out your intentions.
But your words are all disjointed.
So, we can sit silently for another hour - I don't really mind.
Forget the bracelet - I'll lend you my hand.


Can I play guitar while you play the piano?
Squaredancing on empty streets.
And stare at the blinking streetlights.
With nothing but sugared words to eat... to eat.
If everyone demanded peace, we'd probably have it.

*****

Music is my vice.
#2
Quote by rockn'roll_life
Needs a lot more revising; I have a lot of stuff I want to add in, cut up, or move around. But, just your general opinion would help.


FRENCH BOY, MAKE ME SMILE

I'm trying on sweaters in front of the mirror,
flinging oranges thinking of you,
boy with the wayward smile.
Sets the stage nicely.. I can picture this easily. Maybe a 4th line would help it flow a tad better?

And I painted my nails just for you.
Seems like such a foolish thing to do.
Deciding how to make you write
I like this stanza. The rhyming is nice.


Can I play guitar while you play the piano?
Squaredancing on empty streets.
And stare at the blinking streetlights.
With nothing but sugared words to eat... to eat.
This is one of the best choruses I've read in a long time. Enough said.


It's alright to wander - alright to wonder.
And the could'ves , should'ves, ifs
Boy, y'know, they're gonna plague us.
This particular part doesn't do much for me, but I do like the alliteration in the first line.

Move your knee a little closer,
your seat a little nearer
I'll teach you how to set the plates.
And then you'll ask me out dance.
I like this stanza. The rhyming is nice. And it helps tell a little story as well.


Can I play guitar while you play the piano?
Squaredancing on empty streets.
And stare at the blinking streetlights.
With nothing but sugared words to eat... to eat.


I'll lend you my bracelet - spell out your intentions.
But your words are all disjointed.
So, we can sit silently for another hour - I don't really mind.
Forget the bracelet - I'll lend you my hand.
Here's another addition to the little story. It doesn't quite flow, but somehow that works for me.


Can I play guitar while you play the piano?
Squaredancing on empty streets.
And stare at the blinking streetlights.
With nothing but sugared words to eat... to eat.


I really liked it. Keep up the good work!

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Electronic Audio Experiments