#1
C4C

Suspire the Eastern chill
In a place that's white-and-grey
While I sink in the sidewalk
Concrete flood's filling my veins

Getting lost in crowd of coats
Crucified in every day
I can't whisper, sigh or talk
Though I'm numb this life still pains


Chorus:

Motherland's strangling me ,daughterland is what I need
Caged inside beloved womb, time to leave this living tomb

Verse2

Coffin escapees sleep well
In your womb their place to be
Kept a grain of soil for them
Open curtains, set me free

Chorus:

Motherland's strangling me ,daughterland is what I need
Caged inside beloved womb, time to leave this living tomb


Bridge:

And when my ego sleeps
I balk to bury my heart here x2

But I will
Last edited by zombiak at Feb 25, 2008,
#2
I dont fully understand what the song is about, maybe im just an idiot, could you like elaborate on the emotion behind the song?
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
-Mike Tyson
#3
Well, the song is written from the perspective of a person disappointed with their homeland, and wanting to leave. The title is kind of a key for interpretation here. I wanted to show the reasons for emigration, as well as the respect that he feels to his motherland no matter that his life there is pointless.
#5
Thanks Well, the title can be changed anytime, that's not a problem.

But could you elaborate about which parts you like and which are a bit worse? Because I have a feeling that the quality isn't equal in all of the lines.
#6
I think probably the Chorus is the best part, the verses are great as well, but the first verse doesn't make complete sense. 'it still pains' do you mean it causes you pain?
#8
Yeah man i agree its a god song, but i had the same problem it was just a little confusing with the verses and stuff, i think you can refine to make it a little easier to understand and it would be an awesome song
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
-Mike Tyson
#9
I'm assuming this is to be sung like Zeppelin's Immigrant Song? Nice parody. If it was a parody. If not, still neat. My only complaint is daughterland; you should find a substitute.

Sorry for the lame crit, but it's all I got. Feel free to give a crappy crit to either of my poems in my sig.

Mark
#10
the song seemed okay.. but i was reading it negativly as i hated the pathetic ripped off title...
Light touch my hand, in a dream of Golden Skans, from now on.
You can forget our future plans.
#11
No, the title is kind of an allusion to The Immigrant Song, but it should be sung in a very different way. It's not a rip-off, I did it on purpose...but if more people will think like you I'll change it

Oh, and about the 'daughterland', it's an allusion to one of my favourite Polish books, 'Trans-atlantyk'. In original, there was a concept of 'ojczyzna' (fatherland) and 'synczyzna' (son-land), but son-land doesn't sound very rhytmic and neat, so I decided to translate it into motherland and daughterland, far more melodic.
Last edited by zombiak at Feb 26, 2008,
#12
Wow the people who commented on this are for the most part retarded. i got the allusion to the immigrant song immediately and also understood the concept of an immigrant repressed in their own country seeking for relief. I like the concept behind and it reminds me of a poor industrial Russian worker during the early 1900's for some reason. Only thing i can say is that the second verse appears a little vague and im not sure how it relates to the song, as the same with the bridge. As I read it again I love the concept of a repressed civilian in a presumably communist, fascist or just poor country. I'd say fix up the 2nd verse and the bridge and it would be awesome.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
#13
Quote by Room On Fire
Wow the people who commented on this are for the most part retarded. i got the allusion to the immigrant song immediately and also understood the concept of an immigrant repressed in their own country seeking for relief. I like the concept behind and it reminds me of a poor industrial Russian worker during the early 1900's for some reason. Only thing i can say is that the second verse appears a little vague and im not sure how it relates to the song, as the same with the bridge. As I read it again I love the concept of a repressed civilian in a presumably communist, fascist or just poor country. I'd say fix up the 2nd verse and the bridge and it would be awesome.



I like how you called us all retards because we didnt understand the song, then preceded to tell everyone why you didnt understand the second verse...retard...
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
-Mike Tyson
#14
Quote by IRONMAIDENTLICA
I like how you called us all retards because we didnt understand the song, then preceded to tell everyone why you didnt understand the second verse...retard...



I love how you confirm you're a retard by misinterpreting my post...I completely understand the second verse as in basic rhetoric I just don't understand how it fits into the song. How about you pass 4th grade before you try and insult somebody.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
#15
Quote by Room On Fire
I love how you confirm you're a retard by misinterpreting my post...I completely understand the second verse as in basic rhetoric I just don't understand how it fits into the song. How about you pass 4th grade before you try and insult somebody.



Dude i wanna internet fight cause thats something a 4th grader would do but if you read what i wrote you would see that i was merely confused at first once he explained the song i said almost exactly what you said in that i got the message of the song but the wording seemed off...
"I just want to conquer people and their souls."
-Mike Tyson