#1

i had to change the title.
hope everyone's doing well.
crit for attempt of a crit.
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the point is,
my girlfriend's a vegan and my best friend's a butcher.

though on these pit-of-the-peach nights,
both are paled in the moon's white glow,
luminescent fish of a dark dark sea;
these are the gray scale ruins of a technicolor dream.

with you it's a cosmic dance hall,
waltzing on rings of saturn in a starlit gaze,
and we don't know any earthen circular march.
but when awoken by the eager hands around me,
i'm forced to recall the world.

currently i'm surrounded by cannibals,
wiping their mouths and licking their fingers,
asking, "what's eating you?" while the silhouetted
trees wave hands like reporters at a press conference.

"yes, you, with the bark."
"sir, would you ever consider jumping off of a 90 mph train?"
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Feb 25, 2008,
#2
I like it. Different.
Quote by death_metaller
**** burzum XD

there i said it...kinda

edit: i do realise they are not here...so i kinda didnt say it...




fail
#5
that fucking annoying tiny font again

I thought the second and third stanza's got a bit obscure. I've read them a few times and can't really take any solid meaning from them... maybe I'm just tired. The second and third lines of the second stanza seemed contradictory... am I reading into it wrongly? Probably..

The descriptions in the fourth stanza were magnificent. "What's eating you?". Brilliant. The press conference line hit the perfect tone as well, along with the cannibalism line, playful but not lacking that imagery that makes a piece hit home.

I don't know, the second and third stanza's were written well and read nicely but I couldn't take anything from them no matter how hard I tried. There was too much language and not enough reference to an actual subjective, perhaps.

Your writing is always entertaining and I always have a glance at your pieces for my own pleasure and not just to get a return crit, which only applies to a handful of other writers on here, so kudos.

On that subject, I don't think my comments warrant a return crit, but if you could just read through Touch parts 1 and 2 (here and here, respectively - they're only short) I'd be extremely grateful.
#6
Quote by skagitup
I thought the second and third stanza's got a bit obscure. I've read them a few times and can't really take any solid meaning from them... maybe I'm just tired. The second and third lines of the second stanza seemed contradictory... am I reading into it wrongly? Probably..


it's basically about a guy who's torn between his girlfriend and the life he lives, if that helps. the second stanza is more about how the longer he debates, the harder it is to discern between the two. the third is just kind of insight into the life which he actually enjoys, with his girlfriend.

i'll take a look at Touch now.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Feb 25, 2008,
#7
I like how you began the whole thing with "The point is." It kind of, like, grabs your attention. And I liked the part about the press-conference trees and the "yes, you, with the bark." Clever.

The only part I'd tweak, if I were you, would be the "as seen by dogs" part. I dunno - the rest of that stanza was really good, but that little segment seemed awkward for some reason. Maybe you could reword it with something more dreamy or spacey, to go with the rest of it.

My two pesos, anyway.

But I thought you did well on this.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#9
Well, I didn't mean take it out, per se, because I thought the jist of it was pretty neat.

But now that I look at it, I like it better this way.

I think my gestation might yield fruits in the near future. Keep yo' eyes peeled.
There's only one girl in the world for you
and she probably lives in Tahiti.
#11
Damn, i thought it was pretty good up until the end, then it just kind, didn't do anything for me. I think this piece deserves a better ending...I really liked you tone throughout, very mature and precise, and never really seeming forced. If you can finish this with a better ending, I think you have a fine piece of work on your hands.