#1
Sorry, mod. I didn't read the rules when I posted before.


Its the first real song I've written
I only have two verses so far
I'll crit4crit if you want
Here it is, its about heroin addiction:

"One more day, let me shed my dead wood
Just a minute, I misunderstood
Buried my soul behind the bleachers
In a cold dark world of ivory preachers

Fifteen miles beneath the sunrise
River runs up towards the sky
Clipped my side to the pink eye flight
Won't come down for the rest of the night"
#2
Hey Always love looking at first songs. I'll do my best here, but two verses isn't much to work with.

"One more day, let me shed my dead wood
Just a minute, I misunderstood
Buried my soul behind the bleachers
In a cold dark world of ivory preachers

Okay, so you have a couple of good images here. First and last line are pretty cool. The middle two don't flow at all. I'd really prefer it [and it'd work better too] if you split the first two lines [while adding another two after them] into one verse, and the last two into another. I feel like you have so much room to dig deeper into the story you're telling, and you're skimming through it all, rushing it, making it too vague. Just try and expand on what you already have here. Also, the rhyme between bleachers and preachers seems forced - change 'bleachers' maybe, or at least work on the flow between the two lines.

Fifteen miles beneath the sunrise
River runs up towards the sky
Clipped my side to the pink eye flight
Won't come down for the rest of the night

First three lines are ace, original and well described. The last line, while it works, feels rushed, again. It's not as original, it's as if you forced the rhyme just to fit. Like I said before, expand, expand. You're telling us stuff, but you aren't explaining why things are happening, or how each idea relates to the other. I'm sure you'll do that in the following verses - but I'm just going off what you've given me.


So yeah, just them few things for me. Great job for a first thing though, you use language really well. Crit one of mine if you could? The last one in my sig should be fine, please.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.