#1
crit for crit, this was ots so obviously a little rough.

verse 1
I put my money where my mouth was
now my words are burning holes
got to make back my fortune
its too late to fold
my cards are on the table
this one's a blind bet
and the whiskey in my belly
tells me not to settle yet

chorus
you've got me, I'm all in
kings and queens perfectly scarred
god damn im a sure thing
it's blind bets on old cards
this game's a euphemism
this ace was born flawed
and addicted to losing
it's blind bets on old cards

verse 2
now im trading in my promises
to keep my head above
its too bad I'm on a losing streak
cant win for money nor love
I'm wondering if I've achieved
everything fate had for me
fingers crossed that sinking feeling
is only gravity

verse 3
I got my chips stacked up beside me
this portrayal of my sin
becoming gradually accustomed
to the taste of losing
got my pound of flesh marked out
dotted lines upon my skin
submit to this temptation
tonight I'm all in
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
Last edited by damn-right! at Feb 28, 2008,
#3
blackdotted.

I'm so tired that I could quite possibly die if I stayed up any longer, so to make up for it I'll give you one hell of a crit tomorrow.

#4
... Wow. That was amazing. I liked the consistent usage of the cards imagery throughout, as well as the incorporation of the pound of flesh (greed, one of the seven deadly sins, if I'm not mistaken?). Your rhyme scheme was wonderful. It was so unobtrusive that I didn't really notice it was there until I actually started looking for it The only thing I can suggest for you to possibly fix is the rhythm of a couple of lines, but for an OTS piece, you have a lot fewer than I'd expect. There are just a few lines that seem to be short one syllable or long one syllable, but even then, it can be fixed by reading it to a slightly different rhythm. All said, I loved this and thought it was amazing. Simply stellar... If you could crit Writer's Block in my sig, I'd really appreciate it. Peace
#5
The chorus is excellent, though id consider changing the word 'euphemism' because naturally it begs the question: for wat? if you changed that one line the rest of the chorus lines jive with each other great.

The three verses dont really seem all that connected to a central theme.
the first verse i concluded the song would be about a bankrupt gambler in a drunken last stand to win back his fortunes.

the second verse then sounds like a mid life crisis character retrospecting on his love life and personal self satisfaction.

the third verse starts off back on track but then you threw in a curve ball! im not sure if i understood correctly but it sounds like some type of cosmetic surgery. if you deleted:

got my pound of flesh marked out
dotted lines upon my skin
submit to this temptation

the rest of the lyric is fine especially the last line. in fact if you were to switch the third and second verses the lyric would reach a better conclusion because the plots a little clearer. in effect the theme would shine a little better ending on:

My fingers are crossed,
that sinking feeling
is only gravity

it sorta paraphrases the whole betting gambling aspect of the song. followed by the chorus of course.
im sure once you get down to editing, the song will get alot more understandable.
ah, but theres nothing like a sudden creative ots inspiration!


-Samuel


The Patriots and The Plutocrats
#7
verse 1
I put my money where my mouth was
now my words are burning holes
got to make back my fortune
its too late to fold
my cards are on the table
this one's a blind bet
and the whiskey in my belly
tells me not to settle yet
A decent opening.
Love as a game of chance.
High stakes and desperation.
Whiskey in your belly keeps it earthy.
I like it.


chorus
you've got me, I'm all in
kings and queens perfectly scarred
god damn im a sure thing
it's blind bets on old cards
this game's a euphemism
This is the worse monkeywrench you could have thrown in the works.
Euphemism is a far too complicated a word.
And which word is a euphemism for what?
Or did you mean a metaphor?
But honestly, who gives a fuck?
Don't complicate the thoughts with language.
Dumb it down, a bit.
This song is a lousy vehicle to show off your vocabulary.
Keep it simple, stupid.
Replace that line.
Anything will be better.
It couldn't possibly be worse.

this ace was born flawed
and addicted to losing
it's blind bets on old cards

verse 2
now im trading in my promises
to keep my head above
meh. The phase loses a lot of meaning
when you don't use water to complete it.
And it strays a bit from the poker table theme.

its too bad I'm on a losing streak
cant win for money nor love
I'm wondering if I've achieved
everything fate had for me
The thought itself is rather silly,
if you take the time to think about it.
If it's really fate, you're either there when it happens
or you're not. There's nothing to achieve.

fingers crossed that sinking feeling
is only gravity

verse 3
I got my chips stacked up beside me
this portrayal of my sin
becoming gradually accustomed
to the taste of losing
got my pound of flesh marked out
dotted lines upon my skin
submit to this temptation
tonight I'm all in

I liked much of this. And the basic premise was lovely.
But, as you've gathered by now, I thought some of it sucked.
Definitely worth some more time.

H&K, Liz.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
I'm presuming you'll sing line 3 "gotta make back". If so, why not write it that way.

I really don't like "belly"... It's such an ugly word. It reminds me of Fat Bastard or Shrek or something. There's some kind of glamour that you've got going on with the desperation and the poker game and the whiskey and chance, and then the word belly comes in and ruins it for me. I don't really know what you could replace that with, but perhaps it's worth a thought. I mean, it's no kind of big deal, it's not bringing the piece down as a whole, but I would prefer it without.

In the chorus, "scarred" is a horrible word to use and it seems to be there just for the rhyme with cards. Maybe it's the word perfectly before it that's making it seem a little forced. Maybe just have "are" instead of perfectly, that would sort it out a little. But I'd try and replace that .. Kings and Queens are ....., there must be a better rhyme than scarred hanging around someplace.

"god damn i'm a sure thing" seemed filler.

I agree with SYK about euphemism. It's way out of place.

"now i'm trading in my promises/to keep my head above" is brilliant. favourite line so far.

Maybe "deserved" instead of "achieved"? And then re-work the next line a little to fit better. That would be a nice idea, because I agree that achieved doesn't really make sense for the reasons that SYK mentioned. Definitely re-work that.

"this portrayal of my sin" absolutely sucks, weakest line of the piece by a long shot.
The first line is good - "I've got my chips stacked up beside me".... you can do so much more with the second line. Why not personify the chips or something, or anything that doesn't include the words "portrayal" and "sin".

The ending was fantastic.

Generally, I really liked this. I usually wouldn't have pointed out most of the things I did, and a couple of them aren't really too important, but I'd rather give too much than too little.

Are you or have you recorded this? I can't wait to hear it, you're certainly one of the best composers on this site as far as I'm aware.

But yeah, I think this was a real strong piece.

#9
Okay, this may seem a little self involved but I'm going to crit my own song simply because I'm not convinced everyone got the point of it. For the record-it's not actually about gambling. The gambling is a euphemism for the life of the character, somebody who is greedy, lustful, excessive and has a hell of a lot of bad luck.

verse 1
I put my money where my mouth was
now my words are burning holes
got to make back my fortune
its too late to fold
my cards are on the table
this one's a blind bet
and the whiskey in my belly
tells me not to settle yet

This verse is saying that the character has a habit of shooting her mouth off, making empty promises and never knowing when to quit. Somebody who is thoroughly addicted to bad judgement and stupid decisions which are usually fuelled by alcohol.

chorus
you've got me, I'm all in
kings and queens perfectly scarred
god damn im a sure thing
it's blind bets on old cards

the first line means she's easily persuaded, the second line is meant to mean that she's unappreciative and despite having the opportunity to better herself (she's a king or queen in the cards world) she's a creature of habit, with no real reason for her own hell bent mission of self destruction (perfectly scarred) she's a sure thing- someone likely to make large bets in the poker world, someone easily influenced in the social world. Last line means its cliche bad judgement, the same bad judgement that plagued many before her and will plague many after.


this game's a euphemism
this ace was born flawed
and addicted to losing
it's blind bets on old cards

A hint at what the song is about, a euphemism is substituting a vague word, term or phrase for one that is harsh or offensive. I'm talking about her but i'd rather put it in a mildly pleasing form of a gambling metaphor. the rest is fairly obvious-humans are natural hedonistic to an extent, she was born flawed-everybody is. See christianity: original sin.


verse 2
now im trading in my promises
to keep my head above
its too bad I'm on a losing streak
cant win for money nor love
I'm wondering if I've achieved
everything fate had for me
fingers crossed that sinking feeling
is only gravity

Fairly straight forward, people who make bad decisions usually make bad promises to keep others off their back for a while, its too bad that they'll probably never get the opportunity to fulfill those promises because, well they were empty when they were made. The last part refers to the fact that she often feels like she's done everything she was meant to in life and now she's just waiting around to die. A ridiculous notion but not uncommon.

verse 3
I got my chips stacked up beside me
this portrayal of my sin
becoming gradually accustomed
to the taste of losing
got my pound of flesh marked out
dotted lines upon my skin
submit to this temptation
tonight I'm all in

Basically, she remembers all the stupid stuff she's done, and now she's becoming apathetic, she's greedy, lustful, selfish and apathetic and having to give up more and more the further into trouble she gets. A bad combination and one that guarantees that she'll usually make a stupid mistake that could be potentially dangerous.

I wouldnt consider euphemism a complicated word at all, it's relevant. "The pound of flesh" image is a reference to shakespeares : the Merchant of Venice and very loosey linked "this ace was born flawed" is a christianity reference which is also a recurring theme in the merchant of venice. Everyone get it now?
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk