#1

"Christ -
snakes with tits the fuckin' lot of 'em,
fuckin' whores!"
Spitting comments along the bar to me
insults wandering along the hard wood to me
walking past bottles to me.
Around a few stray drops of scotch to me.
Women.
Who'd have 'em ?
Guess the old boy has a story to tell
but I don't wanna hear it -
am living enough of my own,
through various guises and
everyone is worrying about shit
that doesn't matter,
even me.
Drunk: oh yes.
It's like a fix for the life spent
craving clean houses
by all the normal suckers.
Don't do that.
Hate clean houses and you'll live a
lot longer.




love is a dog from hell.



Last edited by we have sound at Feb 25, 2008,
#2
repititions of "to me" were quite beautiful.

"guises" stuck out, and "everyone is worry" i presume is meant to be "worrying" or "will worry" or something along those lines.

I'm not sure about the final lines, I loved them at first but i'm not as fond of "Don't do that" as before, I think you could of worded the end a little better. I don't know.

This is, predictably, another great piece.

I'm spent and need to sleep.
#3
This is so good. So real. So you. I loved it.

I don't feel like digging into this to find stuff that I didn't like. It's great.

Got something on first page.
#5
You're quickly becoming my favorite writer here. It's a shame I passed on your stuff for so long.

Again, alot of perfection. The repetition of "me" and that fucking killer last line. You write in the only language that appeals to me - Drunk and fucked.


I'm not asking for a crit because this wasn't really one, but maybe a kind word on one of mine? I have two floating around here somewhere.
Poor advice.
#6
I like the imagery. "Snakes with tits"

Well done.
E preciso amar as pessoas como se nao houvesse amanha- Renato Russo