#1
I started this after school and have been adding to it when i think of something to add. the last line is based on what i feel dependancy stands for.

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*EDITED THANKS TO ADVICE FROM CRITS*

Dawn breaks through the dusky skies,
To linger down our fatigued spines.
With the dark garment sweeping away from the sky.
It's a time of complete and utter ecstasy,

But for me, this time you see,
Is one i dread entirely.
For on this moment, inside of me,
Stirs the beast called dependancy.

People think its good
To necessitate things.
To demand, and require,
Is all it means.

But this beast of burden
Can represent anything.
For me you see, and the savage agrees.
He stands for pure evil,
Over all other things.
Last edited by xiblackoutix at Feb 25, 2008,
#2
i liked it, i really like the concept, however,
i don't like this line: "To be dependant on things"
imo, seems like filler because you couldn't think of anything.
try to do a different take on the same thought, think metaphors, similes, etc.
#3
It seems to me that the first stanza has no meaning compared with the rest of song. Only the last line really links with the second stanza. I think you could rework it to fit in better. I liked it though, good job.


EDIT: Also in your last stanza, you said a beast of burden, but a beast of burden is like a donkey that carries stuff for you, I would just go with a word like burden.
Last edited by xLotusx at Feb 25, 2008,
#4
Quote by xLotusx
It seems to me that the first stanza has no meaning compared with the rest of song. Only the last line really links with the second stanza. I think you could rework it to fit in better. I liked it though, good job.



thanks for the advice but its how i like it the first part is talking about a morning which ia beautiful time of the day but how i dread it because when i wake up my addiction to cigarettes and other less lethal things (i dont do anything extremely serious like heroin or **** like that, **** that ****) kicks in and i hate it but quiting is so damn hard.

edit. also look, this is from the dictionary: Burden: v. Weight down with a load
Last edited by xiblackoutix at Feb 26, 2008,
#5
Now, as I enjoy a fine piece of cake and a coffee, I shall sit down and crit this as I promised I would.
Quote by xiblackoutix
I started this after school and have been adding to it when i think of something to add.

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Dawn breaks through the dusky skies.
To linger dwon our fatigued spines.
With the dark garment rising from the earth.
It's a time of complete and utter ecstasy,

I like the use of dawn and dusk in L1, but I'm unsure of the period, as the next line seems like a direct continuation of it; perhaps a comma? dwon = down?

I'm not sure of the "dark garment" phrase, either. It seems a little odd. The last line is fine though.


But for me, this time you see.
Is one i dread entirely.
For on this moment, inside of me,
Stirs the beast called dependancy.

Again, L1 should have a comma? The rest of it is fairly good. No complaints.

People think its good
To be dependant on things.
To need, To want,
Is all it means.

L2 has to go, I think. It seems like it was used as a last resort; if you changed it from dependant, it could be much better! Need and want are considered two different things; "want" is unnecessary, unlike "need" which suggests a necessity.

But this beast of burdern
Can be anything.
For me you see, and the beast agrees.
He stands for pure evil,
Over all other things.

burdern = burden; should L2 and L3 run on? I'm a tad confused as to its structure. I also think you should find a synonym for beast. You used it twice in this stanza, and it's very close together, taking away some impact. And a suggestion for L4; instead of "Over all other things". why not "Among other things" as the beast could represent way more than just pure evil.


Overall, good effort, and I liked it. If you perhaps take the time to go back through and consider suggestions that I and others make, then perhaps it will be even better. Solid, and I hope to see more from you.

I have nothing to be critiqued right now, but *marlon brando lisp* one day, I shall call on you to do a service for me; and that day may never come, but until then, accept this gift as a token of my friendship.

Mark