#1
Verse 1
Lightning flashes across the sky
Overhead where the dark cloud looms
Whatcha gonna do, your gonna die
In its shadow lies your doom

Chorus
The storm is coming tonight
Brought by man to end man’s life
All disappears in a flash of light
Fueled by hatred ends in strife

Verse 2
Shattered buildings make your tomb
Cars are thrown like Devil’s dice
Rising high mushroom cloud blooms
All from human’s own device

Chorus
The storm is coming tonight
Brought by man to end man’s life
All disappears in a flash of light
Fueled by hatred ends in strife

Verse 3
Asphalt flows to scalding rivers
All of life will now decay
Rubble settles with a shiver
Bird of steel hurries away


Hows it sound so far? I know its real happy...
EDIT: I reworked everything, I think it sounds a lot better now.
Last edited by xLotusx at Feb 26, 2008,
#2
i love it so far not mush i can say rythme is great no problem wiht structure but use more ,as some would say, "smart people words" it, for some odd reason, makes people more interested in the music if they have to think a little. also love the ussage or metapors and similies.
c4c
#3
I added another stanza, I would really like some more crit, this is only a rough draft.
#5
Quote by Spaceeey
don't rly like it : /

..to lazy to tell why


dood same. i like the first stanza though.
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#6
Well I reworked all of the lines and changed up the chorus. Now I don't think it flows as well, but I think it sounds a lot better. I'd really appreciate it if you guys could provide some construction and not just criticism.
#7
Verse 1
Lightning flashes across the sky
Overhead where the dark cloud looms
Whatcha gonna do, your gonna die
In its shadow lies your doom

i really like the first stanza. though i think it would sound better with rythm and flow if you changed looms with lies and doom with demise

Chorus
The storm is coming tonight
Brought by man to end man’s life
All disappears in a flash of light
Fueled by hatred ends in strife

Verse 2
Rising high the white cloud blooms
Cars are thrown like Devil’s dice
Shattered buildings make your tomb
All from human’s own device

i like the 3rd line, but it doesnt sound like it works real well hear, the word dice really throws it off.

Chorus
The storm is coming tonight
Brought by man to end man’s life
All disappears in a flash of light
Fueled by hatred ends in strife

c4c
#9
I'll go ahead and give this a basic crit. Sorry I'm too lazy to go line by line right now.
First off, I wasn't really drawn into the piece. I don't know exactly why, I just didn't get "hooked". Perhaps it was just because all you really describe is some sort a fatal storm, but there's nothing to get attached to or to empathize with, and there isn't really anything to think about. Perhaps it just seems a bit too shallow. I liked the "devil's dice" image, I thought it was original (at least I hadn't heard it before). I don't mean to be nitpicky, but I couldn't help noticing that in the first stanza you describe dark clouds, but then they're white in the second verse. It seems like you're talking about two different clouds, but I wasn't sure. You're chorus wasn't bad. I liked the line "brought by man to end man's life". All in all I give this a 6/10 or so. It's a fine piece, but it seems to lack the "spice" that really brings a piece to life. If you added it in, this would be an easy 8 or 9 out of 10 . If you could look at Beauty of the Moment or Tick, I'd appreciate it Peace
EDIT: I forgot to mention that the rhythm and rhyme and such were great, there weren't really any hiccups that I picked up on
#10
I agree with the above, if there is some SERIOUS kick ass music to back up these words they will suffice. If you are banking on the words alone, I think it's lacking "that something".
E preciso amar as pessoas como se nao houvesse amanha- Renato Russo
#11
I edited it some. Theoneandonlyq I think the reason you saw it as shallow is because you missed the deeper point. I edited it, and now it should stick out more. I hate to reveal the message behind it.