#1
Window out to nevermore
Murmuring of cellar door
Wonder what I wonder for
Each night as I lay

Words through wind on winter night
Always watching: out of sight:
Waiting for the Joker's slight
Every time I pray

And all these things which we adore
Stand up now and take the floor
And for our patience they implore
Until another day.....

Lullaby for broken hearts
Sleeping when the music starts
A lesson hoping to impart
To save you from the past

But broken heart means tired soul
And tired soul means empty hole
A vacuum from where comes the cold
And lets your heart to freeze


------------

It's not completely done, at least I don't think it is.
"If faith is the answer we've already reached it
and if spirits a sign, then it's only a matter of time"
Last edited by Tantalus at Feb 26, 2008,
#2
Thanks for the crit Alright, here we go:
The first stanza did a good job of drawing me in. I felt like I could kinda identify with what was being said, but I wasn't sure of where it was leading, so it made me want to see more. Nice alliteration in the first line of the second stanza. Might be a bit much to some people, but personally I'm a big fan of it. I didn't really understand what the "joker's slight" was. I liked the third stanza, nothing to suggest there. In the fourth stanza, the last word "past" seems to kinda hang there, like it doesn't quite belong there. I don't know why, but I think that if you reworded it it would seem to end so suddenly. The last stanza has two things I think could be changed. If you changed "where" to "which", I think it would make more sense grammatically, but that's just being nitpicky on my part Also, the "to" in the last line doesn't belong there, because the cold isn't "letting your heart to freeze", it would be "letting your heart freeze" or "leading your heart to freeze" or something like that. Good stuff all around. Thanks again for the crit, I hope to see some more stuff from you. If you add more onto this, PM me and let me know so I can come take a peek Peace