#1
Day by day.
Staring blankly into the river,
The current liquifies her reflection.
Hours on end she sat on the banks,
Her mind races as the sea rages,
Drifting further from the safety of the shores

So in love with herself,
Did not notice the one who loved her,
He waited until he could no longer,
She never saw her true love again.

Night by night.
Her heart longs for those now lost,
Selfish ways have left her broken.
Pain and sorrow fill her veins,
Like glass, her soul shatters under pressure,
Nothing can repair the damage done.

What a euphoric eutopia.
So content with herself,
Knows nothing of happiness.
Puts the blade to her throat.

Who needs such a waste of life,
Had everything within your grasp,
And everyone wrapped around your finger.

So in love with herself (What a euphoric eutopia).
Did not notice the one who loved her (So content with herself)
He waited until he could no longer (Knows nothing of happiness)
She never saw her true love again (Puts the blade to her throat)

Edit: Changed the last 3 lines of the first stanza, hope it is better
Last edited by kristjantomasso at Feb 27, 2008,
#3
this was really well written only. i think, this is only me, that if you were to not say she was going to kill herself and leave so the reader makes that decision for themselves it would be better.

c4c
#5
Day by day.
This womans life fades into nothingness,
The second line is unnecessary. The next two lines show us that much, right?
Staring blankly into the river,
The current liquifies her reflection.

Like a rose, her heart withers with time,
Too blind to see what she really had.
The rose thing...I don't know. As I read through the piece you make her sound so detestable that it's hard to take a comparison of her heart and a rose seriously. The blind thing, it's so common that it's easy to read right over that without really taking the meaning that you probably intended.

So in love with herself,
Did not notice the one who loved her,
He waited until he could no longer,
She never saw her true love again.
I like the idea you're pulling out of a female Narcissis (or whatever the guy's name was).

Night by night.
Her heart longs for those now lost,
Selfish ways have left her broken.
Pain and sorrow fill her veins,
Like glass, her soul shatters under pressure,
Nothing can repair the damage done.
This is the only part where I feel like you let loose with your descriptions. The glass/veins thing has been done a lot but that's ok. Take the feeling you had when writing this part and run with it! You can do a lot of good with it.

What a euphoric eutopia.
So content with herself,
Knows nothing of happiness.
Puts the blade to her throat.

Who needs such a waste of life,
Had everything within your grasp,
And everyone wrapped around your finger.
It could have been interesting to put the finger near the throat...The problem I have with this, and with some other parts throughout, is that you're using a lot of common phrases. "everything within your grasp, wrapped around your finger, waste of life, etc etc." As a reader I'm not surprised and because I come into contact with those phrases everyday I'm not sensitive to them; I'm not feeling anything as I read them.

So in love with herself (What a euphoric eutopia).
Did not notice the one who loved her (So content with herself)
He waited until he could no longer (Knows nothing of happiness)
She never saw her true love again (Puts the blade to her throat)

It would be more powerful without you spelling it out for us. You're feeding us everything. Let us have some curiosity about this gal, or about your story...when I read a piece I like to have it make me feel something from its use of language, or see something from its descriptions, or both. This did neither...but I think you can go down either route with this idea.