#1
well, I think this could become a longer stroy in the future, idk. But this is how it stands for now.

***
Never in the daytime
have my headlights
been on for so long.
The joint we burned
fell somewhere in the console
as I tell my friend Rick to drive,
even though it’s probably not his turn.

These sandstone caves, I’ve heard,
can speak to the heavens
assuming you paid the $10,
and gave back to the gift-shop
the camera I thought you would’ve stole.

“You’re an escape convict?”
I noticed you ask the man
we picked up an hour ago.
I guess he was once a contestant
on a game show in Vegas
where you try and fight the C.O.P.S.,
and dispose of all the blow.

Later, while we were stopping
to get cigarettes and take a piss,
he must’ve connected a few wires
and was possibly half-way to the border
before I was ever able to put down the lid.

Road-trips just aren’t the same without your car;
you never hear of one going that well
on foot, with your thumb up, head down, eyes….

“Hey, is that who I think it is walking this way?”
Sure enough, our car-stealing, hitch-hiking convict
came striding by with the assuring advice,
“You two watch the car,
I’ll be right back with a can of gas.”
#2
A great read.

The first stanza kind of started off as this gooey Jesse Lacey nightmare but the story becomes evident afterwards.

Great last stanza.
Not much else to say.
Poor advice.
#5
"Road-trips just aren’t the same without your car"



blackdotted.

I'll be back with a longer crit but, in short, I loved it.
#7
I didn't like the gift shop lines. What have the sandstone caves ability to talk to the heavens got to do with giving back a stolen camera to the gift shop? I felt you were trying to link together the things you wanted to say a little too desperatly there. I don't know, it reads fine I guess, but at a close looker it's a little off. Nothing serious, I'm sure people will disagree with me because they always do unless I'm wearing my lucky shinpads.

In the third stanza, it gets a little confusing with the "you"... It seems as if you're addressing the piece to a certain person from that point, which is fine, but you never address that person again which kind of makes using "you" in the third stanza kind of pointless. Why not replace "you" with "Rick", who you've mentioned earlier and again, have left to fade into noel edmonds. Again, I'm really just nit-picking, this is a very solid piece.

I'm assuming Mr. Convict hot-wired the car while you were at a stop station, tried to drive off and then ran out of gas, although I suppose it's a tiny bit ambiguous since as you never actually say any of that directly, which I love. The possibilities for this theme of a series are endless... you could keep writing about this roadtrip and change the titles of the series to "Somewhere Between .... and ...." each time, or just follow this up and describe exactly what happened to this convict and you guys.

Sorry for rambling on, but I loved this. First time I read it, I liked it, and it grew on me as I wrote this crit to the point that I now cannot wait for you to continue with this.

Great stuff.

If you're a man who enjoys series, check out the first part of my recent one here. If you like it, the second part is also floating around somewhere.

Take it easy,
skagitup.
#8
Thanks guys for the kind words. Skag, the 'you' you were refering to was actually refering to my friend Rick who was originally in the car with me. I do agree that I should probably use his name to make that more clear, so I will look more into that. You are pretty right on as far as the end go, and I might keep going on this, but I don't know how long in the future it will be. Anywho, thanks for the comments and I'll take a look at your series soon.
#9
I feel this is great the way it is, I love the last lines especially 'you two watch the car
I'll be right back with a can of gas' hahahaha best line ever


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