#1
I play my music in the sun,
and write with a typewriter I found
years ago.

Friends come and go -
they watch me, they speak of
old times and they light cigarettes.

Sometimes they sunbathe next to me
or let their smoke drift
a little too close,

but they laugh as they
drink and they wait
for the night to arrive.

When it does, I shake hands and
they leave, joining others
on the park opposite my house.

I brush my teeth, wash my face,
climb into bed and
fall asleep.

Sometimes, I wake in the night
and wander over to the
window, where I

watch them laugh and drink and
fuck for a while, before I turn around
and wander back to bed.


o.t.s, c4c.
Last edited by skagitup at Feb 26, 2008,
#2
I like the tone you brought to the table here. Very matter of fact, and laid back, which seemed to fit the character very well and made him that much more believable. I liked some of the topics you hit on in here also, like the smoke getting too close, thats pretty original. Overall, I was please with this piece and thought you did a solid job, which makes me a little urgent to read your future stuff.

If you would like:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=797478
#3
I'm gonna take you up on your offer to give me a crit. So here i am. The link is in my sig. Thanks a bunch.

Oh, and i'll edit in a crit for you here later. Right this moment i'm a little busy. But i will.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Feb 26, 2008,
#4
Solid. I liked the speaker, I felt something for him. Especially the end, that was good.

Sometimes, I wake in the night
and wander over to the
window, where I

watch them laugh and drink and
fuck for a while, before I turn around
and wander back to bed.


I just didn't like the two wanders here, I imagined in the last line that he/you would go back to bed or walk back to bed or something far more resolute than wandering. I really did like this ending though.
#5
this si very well done though im ot a fan of these types of poems but i dont take that into effect on my crits. i think it was well done and not very much to say about.

crit one or two of mine if you get a chance can be a comment or the other form of a crit
link are in my sig
#8
Quote by UVER

English isn't my first language, but isn't it supposed to be "opposite to my house" ?


No

Cheers for the comments, I'll get to yours now.
#9
I liked this, it's intriguing to find a piece of writing where you almost feel like you know the character despite there being no obvious reference to his/her thoughts, simply by the description of his/her actions. There's just enough detail to tantalize... if that makes sense. I like the character also, and I think the two wanders should stay. Almost as though the character is apathetic. Like he couldve witnessed a horrific murder and he'd still turn around and wander back to bed.

Fancy giving mine a quickie? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=796798
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk