#1
something i wrote again during school today. I plan on making it better but to do that i need advice as to how so here it is

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Pure of heart,
We wish to be,
but because of lust
that can never be.

We travel around,
Like leaves in a breeze,
Like water in a river,
Following eachother.

This problem we established,
Us following the crowd.
Has blocked the path
To being found.

To discover who you are,
you have to break free
From the crowd that surrounds,
Like the shell of a seed.
#5
Quote by kristjantomasso
good piece of writing, the similes are a nice touch, only thing i would change, is that i would remove 'because' in the 1st stanza, just to make it flow a bit better


thanks for the advice but if i remove because it completely throws off what im saying and makes it sound retarded
'but of lust'

or

'but because of lust'
#6
this is really good
i like the similes you used and you get the idea across pretty well also
#8
Quote by xiblackoutix
thanks for the advice but if i remove because it completely throws off what im saying and makes it sound retarded
'but of lust'

or

'but because of lust'


He doesn't just mean "take out because", I would presume that he meant try and work without using because, e.g. replacing it with "due to" or something.

Anyway, I didn't really like this - I thought it was generally bland and the occasional lines that were trying to bring something more were weak or cliched.

"pure of heart"
"leaves in a breeze"
"water in a river"
"break free"

are all horribly cliched lines that I'd recommend removing from any piece if they aren't serving a purpose or can be replaced without weakening the piece. the fact that they are all crammed into this one short piece is distressing.

I'd recommend re-working this and trying to either replace those similies with metaphors (similies in such a short piece can be a bitch - they are bound to stick out and so they need to be strong or will ultimately fail) or trying to be a bit more original.

the final line was contradictory. you can interpret it two ways, in the way that you've written it, which is that you have to break away from the crowd like the shell of a seed, or that the crowd that surrounds you is like the shell of a seed. Ignoring the fact that "shell of a seed" is tediously bland, we must realise that the shell of a seed eventually falls away from the inner seed, doesn't it? (my knowledge of biology is tragically limited)... if that's the case, then the similie doesn't work with either interpretation, because if it's you that was the shell of the seed, you would be the surrounding (not surrounded) and if the crowd is the shell of the seed, you are implying that it will break away eventually, which the crowd will not.
#9
Hey man, you're probably going to get warned that you've posted over your limit for the week, but I don't want people calling me names for being a nag and reporting you.

ANYWAYS, let me say this is fantastic. On stanza 3, L4, I would add an adjective like "really" or "actually" in front of found. It would just flow better, IMO.

Also, in stanza 4, line 4, I'm not a fan of the seed/shell thing; perhaps try to find a different metaphor?

Either than those fews suggestions, it's all good.

Mark