Here is a chorus i have written. Its only the chorus though and i plan to build on it.
comment on how i can improve this plz.

I miss you
I need you
I want you back in my life
I love you
I can't go on without you anymore
Its your love that keeps me alive
to be perfectly honest...


sorry :-/
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
Hm, seems to be very cliche. Can't you try to express thing in more indirect way? Like ie. instead saying 'your love keeps me alive' try 'you're the air of my lungs' or something like that just an example. Some straighforward-ness isn't bad, but writing all of the chorus/verse/song in such manner makes it boring and predictable.

I try to write more metaphorically, you could check out my song (in the sig) to see if such style suits you.
Last edited by zombiak at Feb 26, 2008,
this is actually my first song i have written
and thanks for the tip zombiak
i will try that