What She Left Me With

The bleeding eyes of nations in despair:

Come, this is your cup, this is your chair
Look, this is your crown, this is your share
—so plenty of a share. This is your burden
to carry throughout your trivial existence.

The choking voice of children goes unheard:

Come, this is your life, just try to see
Grow, don’t let me die, just try to be
—so painful of a plea. These are your children
that will die with you watching from a distance.

If you pretend to lie, would you be honest?
Let me embrace the night that lies upon us.

This is the life that we were handed
This is the love; this is the passion
This is that fervent, ardent—tainted?
yes.—tainted, and marred emotion...
...breathless ocean...
...lifeless notion...
that i will live for.
And I would die for.
I really love this it is great. theres not much i can say about it other then great job and i hope to see more work from you.

this actually hurt my head while I read it...i don't know why, maybe cause of the drinking a few nights ago, or the fact that this really didn't say anything and kept rhyming non-stop seeming with the first word that popped into your head, or even the SAME word.

I don't know, not to be harsh, but I bet this took you like 10 minutes to write tops. Cause this is kind of how I write when I get in a hurry. Take your time and don't always write the first thing that popps in your head. You'll be surprised

If you would like:
I like how the lines in italics can form a new verse if you put them together.

Also, it's amazing how the last lines of Verse I and Verse II rhyme, seems that you sacrificed a while to invent this form. The first verse makes a better impression on me than the others. The repetition of 'this' in the last verse doesn't seem to 'flow' very well, maybe it's more because of this 'ardent-tainted' part - it's almost like a tongue twister. Otherwise - quite impressive piece!

EDIT: About the rhyming, I quite liked it - maybe the meaning is a great unknown, but the form and the flow of the verses seemed nice.

If you're in a mood for a critique, feel free to crit my song (link in the sig)
Last edited by zombiak at Feb 26, 2008,