#1
There's a large window in the game room of my retirement home and
I park my wheelchair there and stare out at the pond across the fence.
Every day for the last couple of weeks I've been hoarding my medication.
I'm going to take all of the pills at once and maybe they'll find me the next
morning hunched over in my wheelchair with my hand on my crotch.

I've got a grandson who comes and sees me some time.
He owns his own graphic design business and he makes
billboards for small companies.
He puts his hand on my shoulder.
"How's the food here?"
"It tastes like colbine, I tell ya what."
He wheels me over to that window and there's a young girl waiting
for someone by a car outside.
"Oh yeah? Well what would you like to eat?"
I slide off my wedding ring and toss it at the water fountain.
"Pussy."
Poor advice.
#2
haha Randy, that was actually an enjoyable read, wraping up a lot of normal emotions with some pretty quirky ones. not much else to say other than I wouldn't mind maybe seeing an extra stanza in the middle of these two, i guess for selfish reasons cause I just want to read more. great job.

if you want:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=797478
#3
I really enjoyed how you brought to life a possible emotion or thought that an elderly person in a retirement home would feel. Lonely, desparate, but at the same time not being able to wait for the inevitable. I laughed at the last couple of lines, but that is probably as true as the rest; not being laid in like twenty years would probably get to you. All in all, a really enjoyable read, like all of your other work.

If you aren't busy, you can maybe look over either poem in my sig? It would appreciated, and sorry for the half ass crit, but there is nothing wrong with this piece.

Mark
#5
I've never been a fan of your work, but I liked this. The story you told was interesting, especially with the twist at the end. You've captured the emotions of a person in a retirement home quite well. I didn't like the first stanza at first but the more I read it, the more I get a certain feeling of desperation. I like how the long sentences in the first stanza make the days look so long. I can't really say much about the second stanza, I liked it, the ending was good.

That's all I have for now.

Could you possibly check one of mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=796673

Thanks, J.
#6
You have a great knack for giving me a good image in my mind when I read your stuff. It almost feels like a movie, but at the same time, it's usually deeper than just an image. I read all of your work and I'm glad I do, because I always enjoy it. The ending was great, and I also loved the end of the first stanza.
#7
I think it's great how there is a spectrum of emotion. You start out feeling bad for the character in the (story) song then he turns out to be a dirty old man!

Bravo
E preciso amar as pessoas como se nao houvesse amanha- Renato Russo