#1
Kinda at a block here. Never shared a song that I wrote before but here goes.

Open your mind and step out into reality
There is so much more that your eyes won't let you see

The world is truly yours
On the other side of the door

Bent landscapes and crooked faces is all you see
Clouds from the past don't let it be all it can be

You could have it all
But instead you choose to fall

Plastic Jesus, more Voodoo
The eye in your forehead can see right through you

Wipe the tears from your eyes
You're the one that you despise
But it doesn't have to be
All this pain and misery
Breath in life and you will see
You're free to be free
E preciso amar as pessoas como se nao houvesse amanha- Renato Russo
Last edited by Jay Gatsby at Feb 26, 2008,
#2
this si very well done though i think it would be better if you broke it into multiple stanzas. also use a greater variety of words or as some people put it "smart people words". and work on the rythme and structure just a tad bit.

c4c
#3
Quote by xiblackoutix
this si very well done though i think it would be better if you broke it into multiple stanzas. also use a greater variety of words or as some people put it "smart people words". and work on the rythme and structure just a tad bit.

c4c


Thanks for the critique. As for the ryhme and structure, it goes to the music. I ahve a tendency to write the guitar part then put the words to it. I go into a project knowing a "theme". Then guitar, then words.

As for the diction, I feel I use my words economically. If a "smart people word" is in order I use one.

By the way, I loved your work bro!
E preciso amar as pessoas como se nao houvesse amanha- Renato Russo
#4
I thought this was (or looked, at least) way better when you didn't have the stanza's. The flow is broken now, imo, as I tend to stop reading at every blank line. As far as the writing itself goes, I wasn't really a fan. The first line is something I've read so many times before, it's way overdone and as an opening line it didn't really make me want to read on. I could go over this line by line but it might sound too negative then. Anyway, my point is that most of this is full of clichés, and some of the rhyming is so predictable and forced that it just ruins it for me. Don't get me wrong, this might work as a song, but purely commenting on the literary aspect of this, I didn't like it. Also, you had some grammar/spelling mistakes in here (for example, last line: you're instead of your).
I didn't mean to be harsh, if it came across like that.


Care to have a look at mine? Thanks.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=796673
#5
cool very nice
Quote by mrwaffles
Me-"You know I was just kidding, right?"
God-"..."
Me-"I'm going to Hell, aren't I?"
God-"Yup"
Me-""