#1
Pearls nestled in your hair
skin smooth and fair
clear ocean blue eyes
venus like thighs

When i see you in that dress
i must confess you are a goddess
that i'd like to caress,oh yes,oh yes

You were sweet and young
angelic vibrations came from your tongue
you who is devine
place the dagger into this heart of mine

When i see you that dress
i must confess you are a goddess
that i'd like to caress,oh yes,oh yes
Last edited by Rock'n Roll at Mar 7, 2008,
#2
Pearls nestled in your hair
skin was smooth and fair
clear blue ocean eyes
goddess venus like thighs

I like this verse a good bit, only I would consider changing line two up a bit. I feel it would flow much better if you removed was. and then in line three switch ocean and blue around, so it reads: clear ocean blue eyes. then add with at the beginning of that line. also put and at the beginning of the last line

When i see you in that dress
i must confess you are a goddess
that i'd like to caress,oh yes,oh yes

this one is fine

You were of the sweets of youth
angelic vibrations came from your mouth
you who is devine
place this dagger into thy heart of mine

im not shure if this was a mistake or you ment it that way, but in line one should it read: You were made of the sweets of youth. and then remove thy you wrote all of this poem in modern day talking to throw that in really just throws it off, also it really doesnot flow with the rest.

When i see you that dress
i must confess you are a goddess
that i'd like to caress,oh yes,oh yes

besides those few things i really enjoyed it. the last little thing is, use puntuation so the readers know when to pause and what not.


c4c
#3
hey thanks ill let you know if i get around to recording that Hey You!

and i like your song, i can see the doors in it and maybe..just maybe some ACDC?, just because of the subtle but revealing sexual inuendoes, vibrations, sweets of youth, thighs, all that good stuff that doesnt say, but hints at sexual refrences.

only thing that jumped at me was
You were of the sweets of youth
angelic vibrations came from your mouth
-if you were going for the imperfect rhyme its fine but otherwise id say something like

you were sweet and young
angelic vibrations poured off your tounge
i dont know only thing i could think of
cool stuff though let me know if you come up with anything else
#4
Well, there were a few parts that I kind of liked, but me personally, I am not a big fan of a lot of rhyming, and here it just seemed a little over done. But I do know what you were trying for, I just think there could be a better way to go about this, though I am just not sure what that is.
#5
The rhyming, as previously stated, is a little over the top, but nonetheless, it's an interesting, straightforward piece. It's simple and to the point, and doesn't beat around the bush. I like the last line particularly. What genre is this piece written for?
#6
punctuation would have helped, but it wasnt needed too badly here.

only thing i didnt like was the last line of the first verse...
take out goddess,
so it reads
'venus-like thighs' ?

other than that its pretty good.
#8
Pearls nestled in your hair
skin smooth and fair
clear ocean blue eyes
venus like thighs

Maybe use a different choice of words here. Something smoother, maybe. But I like what your trying to portray Its good

When i see you in that dress
i must confess you are a goddess
that i'd like to caress ,oh yes,oh yes

I'd take it out, and put another verb in there. Im thinking something like in Hendrix's "Manic Depression," I wish I could caress and kiss. Something along those lines would be better. But once again, i like what your trying to do here

You were sweet and young
angelic vibrations came from your tongue
you who is devine
place the dagger into this heart of mine

This might be just me, it seems like you killed the beauty of the stanza with the idea of death and darkness.

When i see you that dress
i must confess you are a goddess
that i'd like to caress,oh yes,oh yes

Same thing as before :P another verb would probably be better. Overall good job Just work on choice of words. Sometimes the wrong words can really change the image in the readers/listeners mind. Keep up the good work

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace." - Jimi Hendrix
#9
its a tad short of a song but repeat the chorus once or twice & it'll flow a lil better
you just witnessed the heart-stopping, door-locking, history makin, pants-droppin, earth-shakin, body quakin, lip-quivering, body-tickilin, love-makin fang
#10
ah got it tatorbits here's something i could maybe change it too not sure on the 1st verse tho.

chrous i could change too

when i see you in that dress
i must confess you are a godess
that i'd like to kiss and caress

2nd verse possibly which takes away the death and dispair


You were sweet and young
angelic vibrations came from your tongue
you who is devine
I give you this heart of mine


thank you greatly to all for your crits and help with making this song sound better.