#1
Another thing I wrote during school (remember I live at my school)
rip it to shreads with feedback you can be harsh

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Early morning,
The birds do sing,
Like a chorus of chirps,
A cresendo of beeps.

Then with a vigerous roar,
And a relentless cry;
Thunder strikes from the clouds,
That loom in the sky.

Webs of ideas ruined.
Another afternoon down the drain,
And if you listen a little bit closer
You may just hear the rain.

Pondering for a way
To have fun on this day,
Up out of the drain
Comes a spark of faith.

In this marvelous moment.
On the gloomiest of days,
You think of an idea
A way to get away.

You don't ask your parents,
Because they'll say its not safe.
Stepping onto the front porch
In a yellow banana suit,
And run from under cover;
Out into the rain
Last edited by xiblackoutix at Feb 27, 2008,
#2
i\when u said shredd i though about metal... whn i read the yyrics i became covinced it ws emo blus
#3
Quote by devit
i\when u said shredd i though about metal... whn i read the yyrics i became covinced it ws emo blus



first off i said rip it to shreds as in when giving feedback dont be nice tell me every little mistake and everything the giver thinks i should edit.

second of all this is not a song, I dont write songs. I am a poet, I write poetry
#8
Quote by xiblackoutix
Another thing I wrote during school (remember I live at my school)
rip it to shreads with feedback you can be harsh

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Early morning,
The birds do sing,
Like a chorus of chirps,
A cresendo of beeps.

"The birds do sing" sounds a little forced and uncreative.
like a chorus of chirps? Aren't birds singing an actual chorus of chirps?
+1 for cresendo, good word choice. Though it seems like it might be spelled with a second c...


Then with a vigerous roar,
And a relentless cry;
Thunder strikes from the clouds,
That loom in the sky.

Good stuff here imho.

Webs of ideas ruined.
Another afternoon down the drain,
And if you listen a little bit closer
You may just hear the rain.

Why would you listen closer and how would you not hear the rain? I thought the idea was that the rain was pouring and there was a huge strom.

Pondering for a way
To have fun on this day,
Up out of the drain
Comes a spark of faith.

the first two lines seemed forced on this one too.

In this marvelous moment.
On the gloomiest of days,
You think of an idea
A way to get away.

You don't ask your parents,
Because they'll say its not safe.
Stepping onto the front porch
In a yellow banana suit,
And run from under cover;
Out into the rain

The rest all goes well imho, I like the end.


Reading this poem I see Calvin (from calvin and hobbes) going through the motions and that's a good thing, because Calvin is the man.
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#9
thanks i can see were your coming from and ill work on it. those two lines were forced i couldn't think of anything else that would work so i planned on going back
and dude ive had times were it was pouring cats and dogs and i did not relieze untill i went under my back porch to smoke a cig
#10
wooooooooo


you go and give the rules a once over.

one song per day. two per week.

you had friggin 5.

also, when you comment on people's pieces, take more than 2 minutes to do it. Take the time to read. now you're just giving out helpless comments most of the time. Read the announcement atop the S&L forum.

It has all the rules that will prevent you from getting your threads closed again. It also contains an advice on critiques article, which I strongly suggest that you read.

I'm not warning you officially, because you're new around here. But now you have no excuses anymore.

Welcome abroad.



edit : I closed all but your first 2 threads. Repost the other ones when you don't exceed the limits. Thank you for your understanding.