#1
Part 1.
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We are the exiles.
A storm's coming, the kind
with horns, horns of Spain, colliding
wild and heavily.
Allah, was not happy.
The men, who were cursed and told to head
towards the eastern shores,
were the first to step out of the ship
onto the grounds of our new home, the port of 'Marsilho'.


I held hands with Mom, none of the elders knew where we were.
The beautiful women in evening gowns spoke in tongue resembling
the concise howls of a Bedouin man. We were cold, so we hid ourselves that night like the Nomads we were not, on a street in a place called 'Panier', until we were hungry.
Father killed seven pigeons and served it on a wooden-platter that Mom brought from Sahara, my sister smiled. Our ancestral land was taken away from us and our finest lambs were killed and served to the General. On this foreign land those who passed by us brought us gifts: cups, bread and sometimes wood.

Mother would smile
while picking up the grapes
and every now and again i would suck it;
grapes only came from the fertile lands of Sahara,
where idle gods were known by the few
.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Mar 4, 2008,
#2
i liked this but the lined in my opinion were way to long. I think if you were to re-read it and make a new line were it feels right, i cant really tell you were, it would be much better.


c4c
#3
I held hands with Mom, none of the elders knew where we was.

'was' should be 'were'

where idol gods were knew by the few.

'knew' should be 'known'

that's all i got for now.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#5
MAN THIS IS SUCH A GOOD (dare I say it) Anti-war poem for this place!
THEY ARE ALL RUBBISH COMPARED TO THIS!!!
Bleed Away I think this is marvellous...
everything...
it reads like a T.S Eliot
The juxtaposition of your meal of pigeons whilst giving your generals your finest lambs...
The fact it was lambs, which suggests youth, to me could be reference that families give their country their young in times of war (lamb to slaughter)...
Allah was angry - brave statement...ha :P
I trust maybe it was ironic...no, perhaps wry is a better term.

THE FERTILE LANDS OF SAHARA----WOW!

The beautiful women in evening gowns spoke in tongue resembling
the concise howls

^
THAT IS THE MOST EXIQUISITE RHYME...
..
Ignore the comments on the lines...
Its perfect in length...
This is one of your best man well done...
I'm pretty embarrassed to ask you to read mine man but I will anyway...
It's slightly more subjective...

A Harbour's Hope:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=13047473#post13047473

Hope you are doing ok

Love from James
#6
wood to me also seems to be a reference maybe to the crucifixation...
just a suggestion...
that idea of sacrifice
#8
wood to me also seems to be a reference maybe to the crucifixation...
just a suggestion...
that idea of sacrifice


Indeed.
#10
Quote by Bleed Away

We are the exiles.
The storm's coming, the kind
with horns, horns of spain, colliding
wild and heavily.
Allah, was not happy.
The men, who were cursed and told to head
towards the eastern shores,
were the first to step out of the ship
onto the grounds of our new home, the port of 'Marsilho'.


I'd go with "a storm's coming" it seems works better with the second 'the' and plus, "the" storm in some fashion implies that the reader should know which storm... and thus when you describe it, that description doesn't feel as necessary. Yeah, I'm **** at interpreting, I'm not really to pick up much on what is going on here. You have some great and bold lines... and I followed toe story, but I get the feeling there is some bigger (see what I did Thur?) picture that I'm missing because I can't pick up on what you are metaphoring.

I held hands with Mom, none of the elders knew where we were.
The beautiful women in evening gowns spoke in tongue resembling
the concise howls of a Bedouin man. We were cold, so we hid ourselves that night like the Nomads we were not, on a street in a place called 'Panier', until we were hungry.
Father killed seven pigeons and served it on a wooden-platter that Mom brought from Sahara, my sister smiled. Our ancestral land was taken away from us and our finest lambs were killed and served to the General. On this foreign land those who passed by us brought us gifts: cups, bread and sometimes wood.

Eh, after reading this one... drop the quotes around the place names. It sticks them out too much. Nothing particularly wrong wtih the writing. All seems in place.

Mother would smile
while picking up the grapes
and every now and again i would suck it;
grapes only came from the fertile lands of Sahara,
where idol gods were known by the few
.

Ok, here is where I had the most trouble. Eh, this seemed fairly bland... I know it was necessary... but look at your first two lines. Those are bleh compared to the rest of this. And then in line 3, what is the 'it' relating too? It just seems out of nowhere. I can't relate it to anything... because grapes are plural... and it just seems to drop out of the sky. Plus, I have an immature brain, and the phrase 'suck it' makes me think of things not quite so serious as the mood you have going. Also did you mean 'idle' or 'idol'? Both work, but I think I would prefer 'idle' instead of 'idol' here.



I mostly picked out the things that bothered me above... because I can't be bothered to say everything I like. This sets a good mood. It's obvious this is an introduction, because in an of itself it is a bit bland. Nothing really happens. It's like I just read the first 3 pages to a 500 page novel and then the book was taken from me. I'm not hugely impressed, but I'm intrigued.

That said, normally I enjoy your work... but I don't sit around and hope for you to post another... but for now, I await the next piece. You've almost set a hook.

-zC

I have a new one in sig... Siamese Christmas Trees. Comments Appreciated.
#11
I don´t want to take the "story" or however to call it out of it´s form by writing my critique down between the verses! I kinda like this whole serious, but for me it´s like some kind of stephen king´s work, it´s not the same style of writing but it somehow reminds me of his stories I hope you like stephen:P Anyway, i think it´s brilliant, ur style and choice of words is very nice and unique at the same time, which is hard to do imo and i like the historical references u use in ur poems or on which u build them, do they have any personal influence if i may ask ?