#1
Little Blue Ball

(V1)
There are people in my garage
And they're sittin' in my car
I don't care too much for hope
I just want my little blue ball

(V2)
There's a park in my nightmare
And it's eating all my friends
I don't stand for anything
I just want my little blue ball

I want my little blue ball
I want my little blue ball

(C)
I think the world is full of monkies
High top shoes and clean suits
I once heard that death was healthy
But I don't see no proof

(V3)
There are seven deadly sins
and I don't think sad is one
I don't like want the bible
I just want my little blue ball

(V4)
There's hole in my blue ball
and it's letting out the air
I don't feel so happy now
I just want my little blue ball

I want my little blue ball
I want my little blue ball

(C)
I think the world is full of monkies
High top shoes and clean suits X2
I once heard that death was healthy
But I don't see no proof

I want my little blue ball
I want my little blue ball
I want my little blue ball
" " (until the end of the song)
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#2
I'm sorry, I know you probly worked really hard on this, but this is ****. none of th stanza's have anything to do with the subject. also its to stright forward. its boring, you need to leave the listener or reader thinkin space, but you just throw it out there for them. personally this needs a lot of work.


c4c
#3
Actually I sat down at the comp switched to this forum and said ****, i'm gonna throw down a song. Took bout five minutes. And i'm curious what it is that you think is the subject, because basically there is no subject. The little blue ball isn't literal at all and is wide open to interpretation. You made way too many assumptions on this. But tis all good.

EDIT: I should also add that this is supposed to be a blues song. Not some emo or heavy metal that's supposed to be taken deathly serious.
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

Last edited by 3holepunch at Feb 27, 2008,
#4
Quote by 3holepunch
Actually I sat down at the comp switched to this forum and said ****, i'm gonna throw down a song. Took bout five minutes. And i'm curious what it is that you think is the subject, because basically there is no subject. The little blue ball isn't literal at all and is wide open to interpretation. You made way too many assumptions on this. But tis all good.


I didnt make the assumption, you made the assumption for everyone else when you (1) put the title Little blue ball, and (2) focused most of the stanza's as whating your little blue ball. so dont say I assumed anything
#5
So what about the blue ball is the subject according to you that I threw it out there? And really assuming (yes i'm assuming) you see yourself as a real lyricist/poet you should be constantly looking for possible symbolism. Guess you don't go that deep.
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#6
Quote by 3holepunch
So what about the blue ball is the subject according to you that I threw it out there? And really assuming (yes i'm assuming) you see yourself as a real lyricist/poet you should be constantly looking for possible symbolism. Guess you don't go that deep.



well lets think at the end all almost every stanza you put "I want my little blue ball' if thats a similie then your good as **** with confusing ass similies/metaphors.
also i do find similies in some like the first stanza, in all honest; no homo, makes me think that stanza is about getting rammed in the ass by a bunch of guys and that your giving up hope on escaping and all you wnat is your little blue ball. all im saying is your lyrics were so bland that i want my little blue ball is implied by the poem as the subject. I'm not trying to be a dick, but you were the one who asked for feedback; plus i think its a little bit of a knock off of Red Rubber Ball by Simon and Garfunkel
#7
ha ha ok, this makes me laugh.

1.
I'm not trying to be a dick
and...
I know you probly worked really hard on this, but this is ****.

then your good as **** with confusing ass similies/metaphors.

all im saying is your lyrics were so bland...

I hope not being a dick wasn't your new year's resolution.

2. The song is a blues song, not emo and sad, it's just singing about hard times and the confusion that's about. Simply expression.

3. The little blue is a symbol for whatever may be someone's getaway, you don't take it as and actual blue ball...

4.
Red Rubber Ball by Simon and Garfunkel

Never heard that song in my life.
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#8
you've never heard red rubber ball, yet you r writing a blues song. plus i never commented on the genre of the song. also I want my little blue ball is way to strong of a line to be a metaphor for a way out.
#9
No, and yet I still am. Amazing I know. I just went and looked up the lyrics of that song and the only thing in common is that it says the word ball...

Who are you the god of similies and metaphors that you decide whether or not someone can use one? All songs are open to interpretation whether the writer means what they say literally or metaphorically, and it's impossible to say that something can NOT be a metaphor, because it's always up to someone else's interpretation. If you see it as a literal blue ball that's fine, but don't attempt to decide what it is for everyone else, especially not for the guy who wrote the song.
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#10
i wasnt and i never said it was a complete rip off just sort aof a cliche off of it. also i never said you couln't use them, not once did i say that. I never said i couldnt be a metaphore. its just the way you wrote it and wording that was used just doen't present it as one.
Im not the god of them but I am a pretty damn good writer considering the fact, that I'm only a in the 10th grade and Burkley University(the art one) has offered me a full scholorship because of a short story i wrote and submitted. I've also been asked to visit Juliard (or however its spelled) for consideration fo attending there school. Dont judge my writing ability from how I write on here. when i get damn serious I make sure most of my writing is flawless. Im new to peotry thats why I get advice from others. I dont on the other hand ask for advice then get all bitchy when someone gives me some that I don't agree with. I take what they give into consideration and then if I agree fix it, if i disagree i thank them and forget about it.
#11
honestly man, for a blues song, if you just rock out with it, i think the loose kind of lyrics would work alright.
#12
(v3) is a little meh, but the rest is good.
Rag Mop Do Do Duh DoDo Dedo Do!!!!!

R_A_G_G_M_O_P_P

RAGMOP
#13
Quote by xiblackoutix
i wasnt and i never said it was a complete rip off just sort aof a cliche off of it. also i never said you couln't use them, not once did i say that. I never said i couldnt be a metaphore. its just the way you wrote it and wording that was used just doen't present it as one.
Im not the god of them but I am a pretty damn good writer considering the fact, that I'm only a in the 10th grade and Burkley University(the art one) has offered me a full scholorship because of a short story i wrote and submitted. I've also been asked to visit Juliard (or however its spelled) for consideration fo attending there school. Dont judge my writing ability from how I write on here. when i get damn serious I make sure most of my writing is flawless. Im new to peotry thats why I get advice from others. I dont on the other hand ask for advice then get all bitchy when someone gives me some that I don't agree with. I take what they give into consideration and then if I agree fix it, if i disagree i thank them and forget about it.


That's great and I honestly hope you do well. But I never asked for someone to come in and call me ****, what I wanted was constructive criticism. You're first post was rude, unconstructive and ultimately useless. I noticed in another post all you said to some guy wasy that his piece was something along the lines of "utter crap" and that's all you said. If you're planning on going to a great school like one of those, you have some serious growing to do.

Thank you for comments slide
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#14
Quote by Red33
(v3) is a little meh, but the rest is good.


How do you think it could be improved?

I noticed after reading through it a bit some parts are a little too dark rather than soulful, i.e. v3. Oh and I accidentally added an extra word in there too. whoops.
Quote by acjshapiro

Quote by Vrstone87

meh, I've listened to every radiohead album and honestly don't get what everyone loves about them.....


cause you're ****ing stupid

#16
Quote by 3holepunch
How do you think it could be improved?

I noticed after reading through it a bit some parts are a little too dark rather than soulful, i.e. v3. Oh and I accidentally added an extra word in there too. whoops.



Assuming the rhythm of this song is how I think it is you could replace

"like want"
with
"Fancy"

Sounds more bluesy IMO
Rag Mop Do Do Duh DoDo Dedo Do!!!!!

R_A_G_G_M_O_P_P

RAGMOP
#17
Quote by 3holepunch
That's great and I honestly hope you do well. But I never asked for someone to come in and call me ****, what I wanted was constructive criticism. You're first post was rude, unconstructive and ultimately useless. I noticed in another post all you said to some guy wasy that his piece was something along the lines of "utter crap" and that's all you said. If you're planning on going to a great school like one of those, you have some serious growing to do.

Thank you for comments slide



exactly constuctive critisism. What I said was constructed critism. telling the things that are done well isnt giving critism, but telling how you felt about the peice and some of the things that are wrong, which I did, is constructive critism. plus i never called you ****, I stated that this poem was ****,but hey why do you even care what I think, OMG someone didnt like my poem, buh ****ing hue man get over it; not everyone is going to like everything.
Lifes tough get a helmet
#18
Blackout, not to be a dick or anything, but you really have an attitude problem. Sorry, it's just what I'm noticing. You could constructively break this piece down to better help 3 hole punch understand what you don't like and what needs improving. Don't just tell him it's bad.

For 5 minutes, you just developed a possible blues song worthy of jamming to. I can just hear the twangy guitar in the back ground.

I did try to do a full length crit a few hours ago, but it screwed up. I gotta say, this is good though. PM me tomorrow sometime if I forget to full length crit it.

Mark