#1
Edit : of course it's a song .


You wear Montreal like a casual dress ;
in rare occasions where you try to impress
well it fits you.
Like a tambourine skin as life beats through.

We're speaking of feathered hearts and
Lying in a room where anything can happen
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on growing trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
we both fake surprise and share similes
we're iron birds on growing trees

You wear Montreal like a casual dress
You wear the feelings you've got to express
it's up to you
if we stay in the city or if we move

A blanket, the fireplace, and nothing tops
the warm sour-sweet lemon tea cups
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on fragile trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
would you guess what you mean to me?
#2
i liked this a lot great diction and it really puts a great image in my mind of sitting next to a warm fire while playing guitar im the winter time. not really anything to correct. Hope to read more from you.

c4c links in sig
#3
You wear Montreal great idea but opening a poem//song with "you" never seems right. maybe you could adjust this. but "you" isn't personal enough and doesn't give the reader any immediate idea of who the character is or what the situation is. personal preference. like a casual dress ;
in rare occasions where you try to impress
well it fits you.
Like a tambourine skin as life beats through.

We're speaking of feathered hearts and
Lying in a room where anything can happen
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready" beginning stanzas with speach is definitely my cuppa tea. i also appreciate it when somebody can start a sentence with 'and' and not sound like a jerk. the quality in content rises here too.
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on growing trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
we both fake surprise and share similes
we're iron birds on growing trees good use of repition. i currently suck at using this. one day i shall reach the level you've reached. but one suggestion: replace the repition of 'oh, "lookitsmorningalready". you don't need to thrust that line at the reader more than once. the rest, i like.

You wear Montreal like a casual dress
You wear the feelings you've got to express
it's up to you
if we stay in the city or if we move

A blanket, the fireplace, and nothing tops
the warm sour-sweet lemon tea cups
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on fragile trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
would you guess what you mean to me?
if this is a song, then the repition could do wonders. otherwise, read above what i said about the repition. i enjoyed this piece, though. if this is poetry, you need to give yourself a kick up the back side and dig deep into your mind and allow yourself to breathe whatever you think about the subject. i think at the moment, you're touching on what you want to say. you need to say it all.

if you could get to my next one, that'd be great.
#4
check your private messeges i proved you wrong which you were wrong int he first place i ahve not exceeded the limit this week which you will see in you inbox. cant wait to hear your reply

Patrick
#5
Quote by circular.parade



You wear Montreal like a casual dress ;
in rare occasions where you try to impress
well it fits you.
Like a tambourine skin as life beats through.

This started out so smoothly, that it made my eyes well up. however, line 3 made my eyes well up for whole new reasons. The flow went to crap in my head. I couldn't make it fit. other than that complaint, this seems great. I love the last line, albeit that it seems a bit wordy.

We're speaking of feathered hearts and
Lying in a room where anything can happen
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls

Eh, this didn't impress me as much. The first line seemed to use a lot of words to not say too much. I mean, it made sense... but it was lacking something, I just can't put my finger on it. Line 2, while not cliche in and of itself, gave me the same vibe that I get from cliche lines. It was like, "eh, this worked, but it could have been done much better." and line 3, I didn't know what pollocks meant. I also would have liked to see another w word before white walls to make the alliteration, if you can work it in some how. given, that last part is being picky. In summary, this worked... but it could use a re-vamp to make it work and still seem awesome.

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on growing trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
we both fake surprise and share similes
we're iron birds on growing trees

I like it... you managed to start your "chorus" with 'and' and still make it work well. At first, I wasn't sure if it was a typo for smiles... but then I read the next line and that sealed the deal. good work here.

You wear Montreal like a casual dress
You wear the feelings you've got to express
it's up to you
if we stay in the city or if we move

This is what your last line just said to me, "Hi, my name is last line, and I end with a glaringly obvious rhyme." You've really not said anything up to this point about "moving" or "staying" or "unhappiness in the city" or anything... and it came out of the blue to me. As I read on, it doesn't relate to anything else... so it just seems forced. Again, I couldn't make line 3 work in my head, but I'm thinking it works for you. This time though, line 3 seemed like it could have worked better in quotes... give it a more direct feel than just a cliche, *shrug* answer.

A blanket, the fireplace, and nothing tops
the warm sour-sweet lemon tea cups
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls

The line break killed me. I stopped at tops and wondered what 'nothing tops' were I say break it after 'the.' Again, I wish I knew what pollock was. I'm a dumb american.

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on fragile trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
would you guess what you mean to me?

Last line hurt my soul. It was too cutsey etc... and generally I just didn't like it. Everything else was ace though.


Despite all the negatives I picked out, I still managed to like this a lot. Do I think it will go down as one of the best things ever, no. But it certainly has a good flow and manages to be a decent little piece.

I'm sure I owe you from sometime, but if you feel like it, any comments on Siamese Chistmas Trees would be appreciated (in sig).

-zC
#6
best I think I've read from you. Really impressive, solid all the way through.

Only line I didnt like would be "Lying in a room where anything can happen" but it fit, it just barely connected to the immediate context. But in a song I'll give you a by.

Really good stuff though.
#7
Really good stuff, I won't give it a crit or anything because I never like to pick apart something I like.



One question though, since it's a song.....will you sing "lookitsmorningalready" as one word, without a pause?
#9
I live in Quebec City. But I'm moving as I'm starting uni in Montreal next fall.

However, I'm often in montreal visiting friends

i.e., I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I'll spend the weekend there (steve and carmel I won't be on much much)

why?
#10
not in a bad way....but, if this is actually "song" material, and not just lyrics; how i'm hearing it in my head kinda reminds me of something Blue October would perform - which is a very good thing.

keep it coming bro.

also, crit mine when you get the time - a 9-5 revelation.
#12
Quote by circular.parade
Edit : of course it's a song .


You wear Montreal like a casual dress ;
in rare occasions where you try to impress
well it fits you.
Like a tambourine skin as life beats through.
"on" rare occasions? not in? Eh, tamborine skin, needed another line to set it up I think, or at least needs to be expanded upon later in the piece. Good opener though.

We're speaking of feathered hearts and
Lying in a room where anything can happen
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls
again, second line, eh. Other two, great.

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on growing trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
we both fake surprise and share similes
we're iron birds on growing trees
suprise is an ugly word, I would prefer suprise for one of them and something like "sunrise" for the other (bad word but some sort of cool rhyme there would be... cool.) Bird metaphor cool. Maybe find another imagery driven word in place of growing, like green, seemed a little preachy ("growing") Show not tell scenario, but it works either way.

You wear Montreal like a casual dress
You wear the feelings you've got to express
it's up to you
if we stay in the city or if we move
eh on the last line, bland but gets the job done. First two are ace

A blanket, the fireplace, and nothing tops
the warm sour-sweet lemon tea cups
as we Pollock thoughts on plain white walls
I hate tops. I love the rest. But tops sounded hella juvinille, but if thats what you were going for then cool.

and oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
like iron birds on fragile trees
oh, "lookitsmorningalready"
as we both fake surprise and share similes
would you guess what you mean to me?
very nice end. suprise worked better here with the "fragile". Nice end, yea.


If you wouldnt mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=803010
#14
You wear Montreal like a casual dress
You wear the feelings you've got to express
it's up to you
if we stay in the city or if we move


I thought that part was amazing.
I like the fact that you opened up with "you." It's powerful.
#16
Okay NICKOLASrox and
the.truth.

I will first and foremost thank you for the kind words on my piece.
I will, however, strongly suggest that you guys read the following thread : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/announcement.php?f=7
Especially the bottom part, entitled "advice on critiques". I know you guys have good intentions, but you are not going to get a whole lot of critiques back. I'm especially talking to you, Nikolas. While your post might seem flattering to some, it comes off as useless and bothersome to others, as it bumps pieces without really giving anything.

You say CRIT MINE, yes? but all you give is a shallow comment. You won't get anything back for that from 95% of users on here.

I am now going to close this thread since it's pretty old.
I'm sorry to tell you guys of like that, but someone has to do it.