#1
Sorry, last thread broke title rules.


Ok this is my first real song that I think is good with lyrics. The title is still undecided but I just typed that in for the title of the thread and I think that that might make a good title, whatever, suggest names if you want but I really want opinions and constructive crit. Thanks.

Verse One
Fears, of a murderous mother
Eyes, on a cracked open door
I wonder what time my mind will pass
Leaving my brain at rest at last
Not for a while
cause... I'm...

Chorus
Stuck in the middle of two broken pieces
Cannot decide which one to take
**** or ****, what a selection ( the ***'s are s h i t and s h i t. sorry for confusion)
Maybe I just need more interaction

Verse Two
This fire... won't stay lit all night
Let's.. get this **** started
This liquid demon inside my head
Keeps me far away from bed
... What the **** am I doing?

(CHORUS)

Bridge
Maybe if I just wait it out
Something better will work out

(CHORUS)
(END)


Thinking of writing another verse. This depends on if I get bored in Religion class again.


Oh btw, this is melodic, Weezer esq song.
__________________
Last edited by killsPEACHES at Feb 27, 2008,
#2
sorry bought the having to report you. i just think its gay when people right a whole ****ing report on why this is breaking the rules so i like saving people the trouble of having to read it.

Verse One
Fears, of a murderous mother
Eyes, on a cracked open door
I wonder what time my mind will pass
Leaving my brain at rest at last
Not for a while
cause... I'm...

I love how stright off your saying im ****ed up on a drug without actually saying it.

Chorus
Stuck in the middle of two broken pieces
Cannot decide which one to take
**** or ****, what a selection
Maybe I just need more interaction

Im usually good at figureing out what curse words the **** represent, but because you ahve two sets im getting thrown off.

Verse Two
This fire... won't stay lit all night
Let's.. get this **** started
This liquid demon inside my head
Keeps me far away from bed
... What the **** am I doing?

I love how you wrote the metaphor for acids extremely creative (im not a big acid person, dont really get along with my halucinations so i prefer shrooms)

(CHORUS)

Bridge
Maybe if I just wait it out
Something better will work out

waiting it out is the best way to go people who try to fight the trip (metaphorically speaking) are usually the ones that have a bad trip.

(CHORUS)
(END)


I really enjoyed this, how you made a song about acid without actually refrencing the name great job.

c4c links in the sig
#3
Quote by xiblackoutix
sorry bought the having to report you. i just think its gay when people right a whole ****ing report on why this is breaking the rules so i like saving people the trouble of having to read it.

Verse One
Fears, of a murderous mother
Eyes, on a cracked open door
I wonder what time my mind will pass
Leaving my brain at rest at last
Not for a while
cause... I'm...

I love how stright off your saying im ****ed up on a drug without actually saying it.

Chorus
Stuck in the middle of two broken pieces
Cannot decide which one to take
**** or ****, what a selection
Maybe I just need more interaction

Im usually good at figureing out what curse words the **** represent, but because you ahve two sets im getting thrown off.

Verse Two
This fire... won't stay lit all night
Let's.. get this **** started
This liquid demon inside my head
Keeps me far away from bed
... What the **** am I doing?

I love how you wrote the metaphor for acids extremely creative (im not a big acid person, dont really get along with my halucinations so i prefer shrooms)

(CHORUS)

Bridge
Maybe if I just wait it out
Something better will work out

waiting it out is the best way to go people who try to fight the trip (metaphorically speaking) are usually the ones that have a bad trip.

(CHORUS)
(END)


I really enjoyed this, how you made a song about acid without actually refrencing the name great job.

c4c links in the sig


Thanks a bunch. I didn't know if anyone would catch the drug/alcohol reference. Already critted

EDIT: It's s h i t or s h i t. I didn't foresee the problems there lol.
Last edited by killsPEACHES at Feb 27, 2008,
#4
Quote by killsPEACHES

Verse One
Fears, of a murderous mother
Eyes, on a cracked open door
I wonder what time my mind will pass
Leaving my brain at rest at last
Not for a while
cause... I'm...

Just a word change suggestion - "Leaving my word TO rest at last".

Chorus
Stuck in the middle of two broken pieces
Cannot decide which one to take
**** or ****, what a selection
Maybe I just need more interaction

I really like this chorus, the second couplet is good. Not sure what the ****'s are. lol. Kinda confuses me.

Verse Two
This fire... won't stay lit all night
Let's.. get this **** started
This liquid demon inside my head
Keeps me far away from bed
... What the **** am I doing?

I liked this, except line 2 seemed really cliche'.

(CHORUS)

Bridge
Maybe if I just wait it out
Something better will work out

(CHORUS)
(END)


Overall I liked it.
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for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.