#1
Still trying to find my "style." Hope you enjoy. C4C. Some of you owe me

Made one quick revision.



Two siamese cats. In stride
across my chest.

Just the image I'd hoped I'd wake up too.
Nothing beats opening your eyes and staring
into the assholes of the worlds most needy
mammals.

5:13.
Two minutes until sulphur rains from
my shower head, christening another wonderful
day in the neighborhood.

"It's for your own good... a little hell toughens
the skin and prepares you for your lashes."
Thanks Mom, I'll log that away and mull
over it while eating my peaches and oats.

Goodwill jeans and fruit of the loom.
Damn, I've got great fashion sense.
Lookout runway, I'll be invading you soon.
You won't know what hit you,
especially if I'm wearing the shoes from
Christmas six years ago.

"Lashes make you into a better person,
they'll shape you into success."
Another Mom-ism. She should be her own religion.
I'll take that at face value. At least someone believes
in me.

People who think I'll succeed: one.
People who think I'll fail, crash, burn miserably,
bring everyone I know down with me: everyone else.
I like my odds.

I'll take solace in the fact that few are great,
most are meth-addicts.
It's better that way,
if everyone was qualified to be president,
who would live in trailer parks?

Last edited by ZanasCross at Feb 29, 2008,
#2
i didn't really like the beginning, up till 5:13.

but i enjoyed the rest.

more to come later.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#3
It forms a very coherent story and I like the random bits of thought from the guy as he goes about his day. For me it creates an image of a young guy working a ****ty job and knowing that he has more potential.. So I hope that's what you were going for. Lines like "Another Mom-ism. She should be her own religion" and "Lookout runway, I'll be invading you soon" also very clever.
#4
Quote by ZanasCross
Still trying to find my "style."
Damn. I sure hope this isn't it.
It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want you to live there.



Two siamese cats, in stride
across my chest.
I don't know why you put them in stride
rather than having them stride across your chest.
Of course that would have made it a complete sentence
instead of a fragment. I suppose this is more abrupt.


Just the image I'd hoped I'd wake up too.
Nothing beats opening your eyes and staring
into the assholes of the worlds most needy
mammals.
Facetious.
You're hostile, in a non-violent way throughout most of this piece.
Whiny, but slightly amusing.


5:13.
Two minutes until sulphur rains from
my shower head, christening another wonderful
day in the neighborhood.

"It's for your own good... a little hell toughens
the skin and prepares you for your lashes."
Thanks Mom, I'll log that away and mull
over it while eating my peaches and oats.

Goodwill jeans and fruit of the loom.
Damn, I've got great fashion sense.
Lookout runway, I'll be invading you soon.
You won't know what hit you,
especially if I'm wearing the shoes from
Christmas six years ago.

"Lashes make you into a better person,
they'll shape you into success."
Another Mom-ism. She should be her own religion.
I'll take that at face value. At least someone believes
in me.
One of the few more pleasant moments.

People who think I'll succeed: one.
People who think I'll fail, crash, burn miserably,
bring everyone I know down with me: everyone else.
I like my odds.
The other one.

I'll take solace in the fact that few are great,
most are meth-addicts.
It's better that way,
if everyone was qualified to be president,
who would live in trailer parks?
Mildly interesting perspective.

That is a sentiment for the ages.
No.


I can't say I loved or hated it.
It's a bit bland.
A slice of life.
Of someone who apparently has no life, yet.
Not even a truly bad day.
Just mundane disappointment.

The opener makes me think,
I'd almost suggest you rename it:
A Rude Awakening.
But the rest of it is sort of 'middle of the road'.
There really aren't any extremes.


Quote by ZanasCross
Some of you owe me
Don't remind me. I still do.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Feb 28, 2008,
#5
Quote by SYK
It's a bit bland.
A slice of life.
Of someone who apparently has no life, yet.


Though the bland wasn't intended... the whole point of this was trying to make me, as a writer, learn to write boring things in a more interesting way. It was based on a bit of me during HS and how life was 5 years ago... but yeah... it was just supposed to be me writing about a slice of life.

Thanks you two.
#6
I didn't really like this one. I'll get back here later, I'm busy busy busy.
#7
I assume this is a poem. Otherwise, skip my post.

Two siamese cats, in stride
across my chest.
Consider a "." instead of the ",". That way, the idea of the siamese cats would hit hard and force the reader to think "what the **** is going on here? is this about a zoo?"

Just the image I'd hoped I'd wake up too.
Nothing beats opening your eyes and staring
into the assholes of the worlds most needy
mammals.
Considering the opening stanza was so short you might want to think about how sudden the tone change is here. Referring to the second line of stanza two. "Nothing beats..." immediately shifts the feeling from matter of fact in S1 to the conversational feel that's in the rest of the piece. In my opinion. Content wise, this was interesting enough but not up to the stanza of the siamese cats.

5:13.
Two minutes until sulphur rains from
my shower head, christening another wonderful
day in the neighborhood.
I like. It's almost diary style. I would normally say the time (5:13 line) adds nothing but I don't mind it here.

"It's for your own good... a little hell toughens
the skin and prepares you for your lashes."
Thanks Mom, I'll log that away and mull
over it while eating my peaches and oats.

Goodwill jeans and fruit of the loom.
Damn, I've got great fashion sense.
Lookout runway, I'll be invading you soon.
You won't know what hit you,
especially if I'm wearing the shoes from
Christmas six years ago.

"Lashes make you into a better person,
they'll shape you into success."
Another Mom-ism. She should be her own religion.
I'll take that at face value. At least someone believes
in me.

People who think I'll succeed: one.
People who think I'll fail, crash, burn miserably,
bring everyone I know down with me: everyone else.
I like my odds.

I'll take solace in the fact that few are great,
most are meth-addicts.
It's better that way,
if everyone was qualified to be president,
who would live in trailer parks?

That is a sentiment for the ages.
Ugh. Horrible ending. After a strong previous stanza I just thought "oh, crap, why'd he go and ruin the whole piece?" But hey, personal preference. Just, I would hugely, massively prefer the piece as a whole if it stood firm ending with the stanza before this hateful line.

But. That didn't stop me enjoying this. I always appreciate how every one of your pieces has a different feeling but I can still recognize them as yours.

All the best.

edit: nobody's got to this, so if you have any time spare?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=799050
Last edited by samoo at Feb 29, 2008,
#8
Of all the things this piece is, bland isn't one of them.

I agree that the final line isn't necessary.

I have quite a lot to say about this but very little time. I think this could be a great piece with some careful revision. Perhaps i'll come back to it.
#9
kinda get the feeling like you weren't very comfortable as you were writing this...not a very solid piece...i haven't really seen anything else of your's, but it seems like you would be more in element in a different style? i don't know....

see what you think about mine -

"a 9-5 revelation"

"questionable answer"

"forgot her the day after"


- keep 'em comin'.
#10
The entire piece was drenched in over dramatic imagery. It was angsty and had a certain bleh feel to it. My only advice, and this applies to not only this piece and every other piece, is that when you force your style it comes off as quite frankly, just terrible.

Just write naturally, without any preconceptions of poetry, just write and block out what you already know, and when it's finished go back and make a few changes, and then post that. Usually the most creative thing we can put out is our natural selves.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#11
Quote by ZanasCross
Though the bland wasn't intended... the whole point of this was trying to make me, as a writer, learn to write boring things in a more interesting way. It was based on a bit of me during HS and how life was 5 years ago... but yeah... it was just supposed to be me writing about a slice of life.
I suppose as a "clinic" piece it has merit. But it seems akin to learning how to putting tits on a duck. Not much of a market for that. A few interesting moments in a bland existence are just that. There's no action, aspirations or awe. Practice your surgical skills, then go install some tits on twiggy.


btw, I think too in the third line should be to. It will still be poor grammar. A dangling something or other, I believe. But that is really of no consequence. Playing fast and loose with grammar helps a piece like this, by making it more common and accessible. Or something like that.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#12
Quote by ZanasCross
Still trying to find my "style." Hope you enjoy. C4C. Some of you owe me

Made one quick revision.



Two siamese cats. In stride
across my chest.

Just the image I'd hoped I'd wake up too. Get rid of the second 'O'
Nothing beats opening your eyes and staring
into the assholes of the worlds most needy
mammals.

This seems like a joke espicially the third line. It seemed too exquiste for the sake of it that I'm not sure if i should dismiss it or just to ask what do you have in mind. I also didn't like the enjambment of the third line either.

5:13.
Two minutes until sulphur rains from
my shower head, christening another wonderful
day in the neighborhood.

Instead of 'Sulphur rains' how about 'Acid rains'. Apart from that i thought this was good.

"It's for your own good... a little hell toughens
the skin and prepares you for your lashes."
Thanks Mom, I'll log that away and mull
over it while eating my peaches and oats.

The quotation was good; i really liked it and what you said was true. The rest was bland.

Goodwill jeans and fruit of the loom.
Damn, I've got great fashion sense.
Lookout runway, I'll be invading you soon.
You won't know what hit you,
especially if I'm wearing the shoes from
Christmas six years ago.

I think you're trying a bit too hard with this stanza. It didn't hit me at all it just left me feeling unhappy, not in the way that you intended. 'Goodwill Jeans' was class.

"Lashes make you into a better person,
they'll shape you into success."
Another Mom-ism. She should be her own religion.
I'll take that at face value. At least someone believes
in me.

I'm not sure if you know this but in this vague stanza you managed to summerise the moral of 'proverb' in the bible, something you hinted at back in the third stanza.
Well done.

People who think I'll succeed: one.
People who think I'll fail, crash, burn miserably,
bring everyone I know down with me: everyone else.
I like my odds.

The punctuation here was horrible. It ruined the flow. Apart from that you'd some good ideas.

I'll take solace in the fact that few are great,
most are meth-addicts.
It's better that way,
if everyone was qualified to be president,
who would live in trailer parks?

This was good but it seemed a bit too premature in chronological-order for it to have had any impact with me. 'Meth-addicts' didn't sound right in phrase.



Overall this wasn't your best; it felt pretentious in some places, at least if i compare this with your others.

#13
Sorry to post in my own, but...

Yes Fred, I did know the reference and conclusion I used. That's why I used the religion line. It was meant in sort of a double way... one as a backhanded comment to her about "preaching all the time" and "to sort of give her praise for completing the circle and making a point with some value. that was considered when it was written.

Thanks for the crit though, appreciated.
#14
Quote by ZanasCross


Two siamese cats. In stride
across my chest.

Just the image I'd hoped I'd wake up too.
Nothing beats opening your eyes and staring
into the assholes of the worlds most needy
mammals.



Interesting introduction. But it reads more like a short story. If you can fit this into a song, you're a genius. Oh, and grammar. '...I'd wake up too' should be '...I'd wake up TO'.

Quote by ZanasCross

5:13.
Two minutes until sulphur rains from
my shower head, christening another wonderful
day in the neighborhood.

"It's for your own good... a little hell toughens
the skin and prepares you for your lashes."
Thanks Mom, I'll log that away and mull
over it while eating my peaches and oats.


The bringing in of the time cuts us off from the exposition introduction. Very nice. The song turns a bit sharper and smoother at this point. Rather wordy following sentence, but it's a start.

Prepares you for your lashes? Lol.
Ho-hum. It promises but we can't quite see what the promise is. On to the next part.


Quote by ZanasCross

Goodwill jeans and fruit of the loom.
Damn, I've got great fashion sense.
Lookout runway, I'll be invading you soon.
You won't know what hit you,
especially if I'm wearing the shoes from
Christmas six years ago.

"Lashes make you into a better person,
they'll shape you into success."
Another Mom-ism. She should be her own religion.
I'll take that at face value. At least someone believes
in me.


Interesting phrasing from the start. Descends into rampant expository again. Perhaps slightly over-indulgent at this point. Too much telling, not enough showing, not enough action or story-telling. 5.13 promised a break, a movement in the story. The song has yet to deliver this break. I'm getting restless.

Quote by ZanasCross

People who think I'll succeed: one.
People who think I'll fail, crash, burn miserably,
bring everyone I know down with me: everyone else.
I like my odds.

I'll take solace in the fact that few are great,
most are meth-addicts.
It's better that way,
if everyone was qualified to be president,
who would live in trailer parks?


Quick jump away, significantly breaking the song up into rather blatant separate parts. Nice snappy lines. Yes, good. I'm slightly disturbed, though. Could this be more poem than song? Perhaps.

Nice final ending. 'Most are meth-addicts' detracts slightly from the feel of the ending.

Nice final line. I've over-used the word 'nice', so that's it from me. Nice song. Damn it, there I go again!